MutteringfoolDotCom

Yes, I went through with it, I am bald as a peach. I raised a total of 335 dollars but, they are still accepting donations.

A couple pictures and I'll write more later tonight.

I know it has been forever since I posted. I had entirely too many things going on that I can not share since they are not my stories to share and when your brain gets wrapped up like that it is impossible to let it go and write about other things.

But, I'm back, and full of a million different things I do want to say. First, to the few that have donated to St. Baldrick's on my behalf, thank you. I'm up to 200 dollars in total donations, and I will be shaving my head on the 24th of this month. Thanks to Robyn and Nance for their links. There will be pictures of it, when I can bare to post them.

There is still time to donate if you can. Even a dollar or two, any amount, as I really feel bad that I'm cutting over 10 years of hair growth for 200 dollars. Although I keep convincing myself that even 200 dollars is help in the fight to cure childhood cancers.

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The weather today is just amazing, 75 degrees, sunny, bright, a soft breeze, now and then, it's enough to make a person like spring. If it wasn't for the allergies and pollen and knowing the heat and humidity of summer soon follow. There is one thing that makes me willing to deal with it though; Charlie and Tre are outside with their Daddy, running around and playing catch, their giggles floating across the yard and through the open windows. The happy sound of sweet boys wearing themselves out?

Pure unadultered joy. Tired children are wonderful children, as they'll go to sleep at a decent hour.

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Thanks for sticking around and for reading for all these years. In 12 days it will be the seventh anniversary of this journal. Even with multiple hiatuses, that is astounding to me.


See you soon,
Suzy

My first post of 2007 and I'm begging. But, I'm begging for a good cause. On March the 24th at Colonial Beach Moose Family Center, I'll be either cutting my hair short, crewcut or bald.

Right now my hair is extremely long. It hangs past my bra strap and with my hair being as curly as it is, it's even longer than that.

But, it has to go. St Baldrick's is a charity that raises money for children's cancer research.

Now, here's where you all come in. The decision on what my head looks like on March 25th is up to you. If I raise 500 dollars, it's a short woman's cut. 750 dollars, crewcut. If donations in my name reach 1000 dollars I will shave my head bald.

And, I'll share pictures with you all. You can donate in my name right here. (NOTE LINK HAS CHANGED)Every little bit helps. If you can't donate online, you can mail donations in, just be sure to reference Suzy Smith -Bald Moose so it is credited appropriately. Another way you can help is by spreading this link. I wanted to have some cute graphics for this but, well, I suck at graphics, so text links are perfect.

Please, pass this on, donate, or look into doing St Baldrick's yourself.

Thanks for taking the time to do this.

Suzy Smith- soon to be bald, hopefully.

Whoopety-friggin-do, it's the last day of the year and I really don't give a damn. I just want 2007 to be a better year than this one.

Normally on New Year's Eve I list the good and bad things that happened throughout the year. This year it's really not worth it. It was a bad year, there's no getting around that, very little good happened. I'm just glad the
calendar is turing over.

It's almost 6 o'clock and I still have no idea if I am going anywhere or not tonight and I'm just tired of the not knowing about anything. I'm a person who likes to plan things out and this lack of ability to plan a damn thing is more than old.

I hope you all have a better New Year's Eve than I am.
Suzy

I'm addicted. To a game.

The game?

Chuzzle.

I started online with that version, then Tony got me the full version for Christmas (note, WalMart has it for 10 dollars, which is half price of the online one.)

I can not stop. I'm getting Chuzzle hand. My right hand looks like a claw. My eyes can see the little Chuzzles. I must kill more.

Damn games.

This is one of the more interesting memes I've come across so I grabbed it from the lovely Bev to post tonight.

1. Do you think the world will be a better or a worse place 100 years from now?

100 years from now, I hope that things will be better. I worry though, as the administration we have in office is doing so many things that are harmful to the environment and people.

2. Would you accept $1 million to leave the country and never set foot in it again?

Only if I could take my family and friends with me. I can't imagine never seeing them again. Now, if they could come along too, I would leave the USA without a problem. Canada would be my preference for now.

3. If you could wake up tomorrow having one ability or quality, what would it be?

Does it have to be a realistic one? If not, I want the ability to make money appear out of thing air.

A realistic one would be the ability to draw. I have always wanted to be an artist and I just have no artistic ability at all.

4. Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?

I hate these kind of questions. I have no idea what I would do.

5. If you could choose the manner of your death, what would it be?

Ha, old, in my sleep, with no pain. But, that's boring. I'd actually really like to die surrounded by my friends and family, drifting away on their love.

6. How do you feel if people sing "Happy Birthday" to you in a restaurant?

I become extremely embarrassed but, I deal with it. I'd much rather be wished happy birthday in a much quieter way.

7. If you found a good friend has AIDS, would avoid him?

Of course not. That's really an odd question to my mind but, obviously there are people who would avoid a friend who had AIDS.

8. If you walked out of the house and found a bird with a broken wing lying in the bushes, what would you do?

Call the local Animal Control so they could tell me who to call. Although if there was a bird with a broken wing out here, the neighborhood animals would get it, sadly enough.

9. Would you be willing to spend a month of solitude in a beautiful natural setting? Food and shelter would be provided, but you would not see another person.

Without a doubt. In fact that sounds like my fantasy vacation. As long as there are books, that is. Internet would be nice but, I could deal without it.

10. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important that people mourn your death?

I've never really pictured it. And sitting here thinking about it, I imagine it will be small and inexpensive as I don't want much money spent on a funeral for me.

It is late. Way too late for me to be awake if I'm going to get up tomorrow morning and be worth anything. Yet, I'm sitting here with music playing and doing everything possible to keep myself from climbing into that bed, alone, and go to sleep.

Sleep is when it comes back. When my eyes close and my breathing becomes deep and even, it is there. During the day I can fight it off, albeit, not completely, as I've had multiple panic attacks. Night though, I can't stop it at all.

Six days out from the incident* and I am just not dealing well. The act of writing about the nightmares alone is bringing on the feelings. I can feel the inability to move or breath there; I can see the people around me thinking I'm just scared, then feel myself pitch forward as the oxygen level gets too low to substain me.

My hands are trembling now. The incident traumatized me much deeper than I thought possible. It is not just the fact that the negligence of others almost cost me my life but, the fact that when everything went black, it went black. There was nothingness.

I've been struggling with faith, or the lack thereof, for some time now. Now, I know with a lot of people this incident would have made them pray and bring them closer to God, or their version of God. Yet, I don't feel that way. If I was dying and I was, and it was all black, is that it?

Is the last time we draw breath the end of us? Do we not really have souls in the way I was taught every Tuesday afternoon at CCD classes? Will we just go away, our bodies into the ground, and that is all?

What happened to the white light and all of that? Where were those who had gone before me? Are you really that alone as you drift out of existence?

The more I reflect on all of this, the harder it is to believe in anything. The last bit of faith is trickling away. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know how to get past the incident.

And, I don't know what, if anything, I believe in anymore. That is tearing me apart inside. 31 years of faith and now it is trickling away. How can I look back on all those years and think I was wrong?

There are too many questions surrounding this. The nightmares, the blackness, the faith or none, all of it, I just don't know how to process it.

*I have no idea of what else to call it. I think of it as "the big fuck up" but, is that appropriate?

Tre's asleep on my bed, he was watching Backyardigans, singing along, bopping his head, then whomp. The poor kid got overwhelmed by the need to sleep.

Charlie's sound asleep in the other room. He's as overwhelming tired as Tre is. You can hear little baby snores throughout the house. The snores are cute, although the reason they are both so tired is not so cute.

Of course they're tired, they both were up late last night, then spent half the night, in my bed (both of them, at once) abusing me and not able to sleep. Which meant, I wasn't asleep, which means, I'm utterly exhausted.

But, I'm not asleep, oh, no. I'm awake and whiny, while they snore. They'll be awake soon, though as I refuse to have another late night with them. I want an early night, a long night, a full night of sleep, please.