Since we're all, first and last, flawed human beings, our design flaws in any one area of life are likely to influence other areas also. And so it's that Gerber's comments about replacing assumptions (and aspirations and dreams) with clear-sighted strategies that relate to our emotional world also.
Gerber writes:
"Many of us have had the experience of being disappointed by someone in whom we've put our trust. Trust alone can only take us so far.
Trust alone can set us up to repeat these exact same disappointing experiences because true trust comes from knowing, not from blind faith. And to know, one has to understand.
And to understand, one must have an intimate awareness of what conditions are really present.
It becomes possible to develop 'an intimate awareness of what conditions are actually present' whenever you are prepared to leave on hold the romantic justification: "Love is all you need" for as long as it takes to work through the numerous stages of relationship building. Gerber defines this as 'Infancy', 'Adolescence', 'Beyond the Comfort Zone' and 'Maturity'.
"And how am I expected to manage that?" you might be wondering. Once again, Gerber has an effective answer - if you're prepared to replace the term "relationship" with "business".
Gerber talks in more detail about working on the business rather than in the business - a fascinating idea for anyone who has ever spent time trying to pick up the broken pieces of a relationship within the wake of a partner's abusive outburst.
Gerber says:
"Basically, your job is to prepare yourself and your company for growth.
To educate yourself sufficiently so that, as your business grows, the company's foundation and structures can carry the additional weight.
And as awesome a responsibility as that might seem to you, you've got no other choice - if your business is to flourish, that is."
Having spoken with numerous abused women over the years, I can say with confidence that abusive men don't change their spots.
You must understand and accept this before you use online dating chat sites. If you are attracted to these types, you are more than likely to find yourself gravitating to this kind of individual on a free online chatting dating site. Beware of dishonesty on any online chatting site.
The Love-is-all-you-need method will blind you to the spots. They may use concealer when you first meet and fall for them, and their spots might proliferate as time passes, but still those spots are there from the start.
Working from the beginning at establishing a foundation of reciprocal care, respect and equality will quickly allow you to see the face beneath the concealer.
I've yet to encounter an abuser who can maintain selflessness for longer than it takes to earn several vital brownie points. And even then they don't just do it, they make a 10 course banquet of it.
Nor do abusers 'do' strong foundations. Love is all they need. What they term love - over time increasingly a justification for all manner of poor behavior- is most unlikely to be all you need.
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