Wonkette
June 9, 2012
Wonkette Providence Happy Hour Extravaganza Details, Come Or Be Hated
by Jim Newell
Who would anyone want to go to a Wonkette Detroit happy hour, besides maybe a car or something? Are you a CAR? So come to Wonkette Providence happy hour instead — it’s right down the street! — with “Internet writer Jim Newell,” who will have to get drunk early in the afternoon by himself if you don’t. Save Jim from an average day, please. READ MORE »
Hillbilly Koran-Burning Pastor Does New Insane Thing For Attention
by Kirsten Boyd Johnson
Florida swamp monster Terry Jones needs money. Or he has run out of sedatives. Or, and we’re going to say this is the most likely one, he is feeling a little hard up these days, because he’s about to get a complimentary body cavity exam from the Secret Service: He put some kind of racist art installation piece on the front lawn of his “Dove World Outreach Center” nut factory that depicts a dummy made up to look like Barack Obama hanging from a noose alongside a sign that reads, “Obama is Killing America.” It’s not a very good caption for this sculpture since Barack Obama seems more like the object rather than the subject of the sculpture, if it were a sentence, but the nation’s illiterate racist contingent will probably get the meaning regardless. READ MORE »
Who Will Rescue the Banks From these Anti-American Assaults on Their Freedom?
by Kris E. Benson
Remember a long, long time ago, WAY back, when the economy was ruined, possibly forever, along with life as we know it? Remember how this was all caused by a handful of banks but then this somehow got turned around and blamed on bunch of Poors? And then, remember how we gave them a bunch of money (the banks, not poor people) with absolutely no strings attached and just asked them nicely if they would pretty please not do anything bad again? And then, remember how the government implemented a couple tepid rules that the banks might get to rewrite, because they don’t like them? Think hard now, do you remember all of that? Because the banks remember, but it’s cool because they TOTALLY HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL, you guys. No need to step in, these are the best and brightest, they know exactly what they’re doing, and they most definitely aren’t going to put up with these “anti-American” efforts to make sure that they have enough liquidity to cover their obligations to investors. Where do you think this is — France? READ MORE »
Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement
by Liz Colville
Well, tragedy has struck in Ron Paul’s kingdom. Rand Paul endorsed Mitt Romney Thursday night on Sean Hannity’s show, presumably because he has been promised some high-profile position in Mitt’s Barbie and Ken’s Dream House™ cabinet. While those pioneering philosophers over at the Washington Post seriously ponder “what” Rand Paul’s endorsement “means” (absolute f#*&-all), other, better people have begun to tentatively trawl The Daily Paul for some commenter takes on what it means for Ron Paul’s supporters. The Atlantic Wire’s exceedingly polite collection: “Rand Paul is dead to me,” “All he had to do was not open his mouth,” and “We will never vote for Mitt Romney or your flimsy son.” We can and will do better than this. READ MORE »
Doughnut Identification Glitch Detected in Mitt Romney Software
by Kirsten Boyd Johnson
Your mostly lazy editor had vowed to challenge herself when typing nonsense posts about Mitt Romney, to not go for the perpetually obvious Mittens-qua-robot theme as a matter of trying to avoid worn-out tropes, but… we give up here. This man cannot identify a doughnut. He looks at a plate of them for several seconds, but no… no, it doesn’t quite come to him. He’ll just point at the items and laugh! Whew, good save. He then promises to perform “testing” upon one of them, to later ascertain the relevant data points and incorporate them into his memory bank. Oop, can’t put it in his mouth, though! Might goo up the circuits. READ MORE »
Homeowner Teargassed, Shot During Eviction Process, Realtor Finds It Hilarious
by Liz Colville
When a person is forced to leave his home because, probably, he was unaware that he was being ripped off by Fannie Mae, the authorities sometimes have to take it upon themselves to eradicate said homeowner like so many elusive cockroaches. In the case of Bruce O’Rando from St. Ann, Missouri, police decided to tear gas the 51-year-old man out of his home. O’Rando barricaded himself in the house, and once tear gas was brought into the mix, he began firing at police officers. The officers fought back, shooting the man in the elbow, maiming him to such a degree that they could successfully remove him from the house and take him to a hospital. Now we’re going to realtor Mark Harder to get a local’s perspective on this shiteous situation. Harder: “I guess he wasn’t too excited about the HUD cash for keys program…or maybe he wanted more cash from his keys.” OK, never mind, get this guy out of here. READ MORE »
Hideous $3999.95 Painting of Andrew Breitbart Actually Swiped from Video Game
by Wonkette Jr.
Welcome to a very special guest post by long-time Wonkette reader “Doktor Zoom.” Enjoy!
So, you know that painting by David Bugnon of Dead Guy Andrew
Breitbart as a Teutonic Knight in Heaven, ready to take on commies, liberal scumbags, and innocent Department of Agriculture employees from beyond the grave? You know, the painting that one actual professional art critic called a “masterpiece of Outsider art, a veritable holocaust-tsunami of bad taste?” The painting that Patriot Depot is selling reproductions of for the bargain price of a mere $3999.95 for a limited-edition 36″ x 48″ giclee on canvas? The painting which The Patriot Update bravely calls, “The Painting Obama Fears?” Yeah, it’s not so much a painting as a Photoshop mashup of a stock photo of Andrew Breitbart and a character from the copyrighted computer game Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, with a pretty sunset-and-clouds background that probably also came from some stock photo website — no doubt somebody will find that soon, too. (NOW WITH UPDATE BELOW!) READ MORE »
Do Not Forget Your Wonkette Meet-Up And Drinky Thing, Detroit!
by Rebecca Schoenkopf
Are you within 300 miles of Detroit right now, Wonker? Are you going to drive hell for leather to the Bronx Bar tomorrow (Saturday), to meet up with likeminded people, and kill them? (NO. We are a pacifist blog! BEHAVE YOURSELF!) Right, so here is your reminder that we (“we” being Your Editrix and YOU!) will be Gathering. Saturday, 7 p.m., at the Bronx Bar, 4476 2nd Avenue, Detroit Rock City. First 10 pitchers, as always, are on Your Wonket.
GOP Rep. Warns Activist to ‘Consider’ Before Trying to Educate Congress Again
by Kirsten Boyd Johnson
Colorado GOP Representative Doug Lamborn, the nefarious numbskull briefly mocked in the national news last year for managing to slip the words “tar baby” into a whine about the black president, would not care to apologize to an award-winning coal-mining activist whose attempt to testify to the House Natural Resources Committee about the pollution caused by mountaintop coal-removal using a photograph of a forlorn-looking child huddled in a bathtub full of putrid orange water was met with a child pornography investigation from Capitol Police, at the request of committee staff members. The police of course found nothing, but let this be…some kind of dire lesson, about trying to educate members of Congress against their will. “I think this woman should consider what type of materials she brings to hearings,” said Lamborn. “Maybe that’s something she wants to consider.” Speaking of considerations, what led him to this astute conclusion? What specifically in his own estimation? READ MORE »