noisemonkey

Manufacturing Music News Since 2002
25th Jun 2012

Although attendance was down by 100% on last year, many hailed the 2012 Glastonbury Festival Of Contemporary Performing Arts and Temporary Art Performances to be “the best yet”.  Queues and traffic were down, as were noise levels, crime, and disappointing headliners.

What better time to look back at previous festivals…

Glastonbury - a brief histo(nbu)ry
1970 - Fossil records estimate that the festival’s origins date from around this year. Archaeologists speculate that it was populated by a long-haired ancestor of modern humans.
1971 - Despite the advance rumours, Coldplay do not headline this year.
1978 - Problems for campers this year as their tents are carried away by a combination of mud (soil/water mixture) and Mud (band). Hundreds die, but luckily it turns out to be a only a MUD (multi-user domain) simulation run.
1979 - Still no Coldplay.
1981 - A permanent pyramid stage is added to the site. Previous attempts at a spherical stage are abandoned, but the research leads to the invention of the hamster ball and subsequent Nobel prizes for all involved.
1982 - A laser light show is introduced for the first time. Tragedy strikes! The laser cuts off the top of the pyramid stage killing dozens, and the electricity bill is enormous.
1983 - Public entertainment licenses are required for the first time. Glastonbury’s license to publicly entertain is granted, but Michael Eavis’ license to kill is not.
1984 - A classic dystopian novel by George Orwell.
1985 - The site is expanded, not only into neighbouring farmland, but also five miles beneath the surface of the earth.
1986 - A classical music tent is added to the festival, but headliner Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart fails to show.
1987 - When Mendip Local Council try to ban the festival, it’s up to Michael Eavis to launch a battle to bring back rock’n’roll and dancing, revitalise the repressed townspeople, and fall in love with the Reverand’s daughter.
1988 - Due to mass forgetfulness, everyone forgot to go this year. Bit embarassing.
1989 - The police are brought into the organising of the festival. [please insert your own gag about The Police / Sting in the space provided……………………………]
1990 - Nothing memorable occurs for the next ten years.
2000 - The festival experience a major problem from gatecrashers, as the site population reaches critical mass and a black hole is formed.
2001 - The gatecrasher problem is solved this year with the introduction of a new ‘Super-Fence’. Unfortunately, due to a design flaw there are no doors, so no-one is able to get in.
2002 - The Super-Fence proves successful this year, putting Lex-Luther-Fence behind bars.
2003 - Tickets sell out in record time (78 rpm).
2004 - Glastonbury becomes even greener, increasing its recycling efforts. It’s good to recycle and re-use things. The site clean-up is completed in record time (78 rpm).
2005 - Terrible weather conditions abound - thunder, lightning, and a giant iceberg ruin the enjoyment of all.
2006 - Everyone oversleeps and misses the festival. Shame.
2007 - A new anti-touting system is introduced. The site is now armed with surface-to-tout missiles.
2008 - All performers are replaced with holograms of themselves. Unfortunately all on-site catering is also replaced by holograms and hundreds die of starvation.
2009 - The festival has become so huge that the ticketing system is now based on an ‘opt-out’ basis, with anyone not wanting a ticket forced to register.
2010 - Glastonbury celebrates its 40th birthday old by showing up in a flashy sports-car with a much younger festival on its arm.
2011 - Coldplay finally show up.
2012 - NoiseMonkey presents a brief histo(nbu)ry of Glastonbury.

17th Jun 2012
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FIVE FUN FACTS: The Ramones

  1. As adults, the Ramones regularly played music club CBGB. As kids, they regularly played CBeebies.
  2. The Ramones songs were so short and fast that they would often finish before they’d started. Their drummer, Dee Dee, would count them in from negative numbers.
  3. Tensions arose between Joey and Johnny Ramone due to the latter insisting on opening all post addressed to ‘Mr J Ramone’.
  4. Although often attributed as the inventors of punk, credit actually belonged to a large number of individuals working independently - individuals such as Alexander Graham Bell, Innocenzo Manzetti, and Thomas Edison.
  5. The hit sitcom ‘Friends’ was originally written as a Ramones vehicle. However, after many re-writes only the Joey character remained.
7th Apr 2012
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TOMORROW’S TECH TODAY: The Audience Height Adjuster (AHA)

Those of us who have ever been stood behind The World’s Tallest Man at a concert are well aware that it is humanity’s most pressing problem - how to conveniently maximise band visibility for all audience members?

Most venues have attempted to solve this problem by issuing ticket-holders with adjustable stilts. Whilst this has provided a convenient short-term solution, the stilts have always tended to attract infestations of clowns.

But now hope is at hand.

The Audience Height Adjuster (AHA) from MoranisTech is a ceiling-based device that subtly and continuously adjusts the height of each and every member of the audience - shortest at the front, tallest at the back, with unobscured views for all. It’s the perfect system.

 We caught up with the makers of the gadget to find out more about the science behind it.  

 ”The Audience Height Adjuster (AHA) works using magnets, a complex system of pulleys, and a shrink ray,” explained Timothy Wardrobe, head scientist at MoranisTech, “Plus a laser for hats. You’ve really got to watch out for hats.”  

 Similar gig technology emerged in the 1990s, but with a key difference. The instrument would enlarge band members themselves by up to 100 metres to make them more conveniently visible. However, the short-lived technology faced sharp criticism after the British pop group Shampoo were made big in Japan and destroyed Tokyo.

26th Feb 2012
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REVIEW
Video Games: The Video Game
PS3 / Xbox360 / Game & Watch £39.99

After a lengthy five year development cycle, this Lana Del Ray tie-in finally hits our consoles. Coming from the producers of mega-hit Lawnmower Simulator 2099 expectations are high, but is it worth the wait?

The game begins promisingly enough with a vehicle customisation menu that would make Gran Turismo blush. Literally hundreds of cars are on offer with the player able to subtly adjust engines, tyres, and seat angle. However, once the game proper starts no sooner have you got behind the wheel of your fast car then you’re forced to pull up at a backyard.

Subsequent levels feature a backdrop of various old bars, downtowns, and, again, backyards but ultimately it starts to feel repetitive very quickly. The final stage (‘Heaven Is A Place On Earth’) brings some variety to proceedings but feels overly reminiscent of Sega’s Belinda Carlisle Simulator (1988).

As music tie-ins go, Video Games: The Video Game lacks the fun immediacy of Mario & Sonic & Mumford & Sons at the Olympic Games and the gritty depth of Grand Theft Auto: Owl City.

This is not my idea of fun - playing Video Games: The Video Game.
Lana Del Rating: 6/10

19th Feb 2012
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FIVE FUN FACTS: Johnny Cash

  1. ‘Johnny Cash’ received his stage-name from his refusal to use credit cards, cheque books, or PayPal. By lucky coincidence this new stage-name was also his real name.
  2. When in a hurry, Johnny Cash would run the line.
  3. As music venues were not invented until the late 1990s, Cash spent most of his career performing concerts at supermarkets, swimming pools, and prisons. The latter provided extremely popular and inevitably became more commercial - as documented in Cash’s hit single ‘Carling Folsom Academy Blues’.
  4. He once fell into a burning ring of fire. Down, down, down, he fell, as the flames went higher. It turned out [SPOILER] that this was all a metaphor, and so the emergency services were unable to respond to his phone call.
  5. Despite his sombre outlaw image and black clothing, few ever suspected that Johnny Cash was actually Batman.
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