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Stupid Old Joe Biden Takes Thanksgiving Vacation, Is Stupid

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Dumb Joe Biden, what have you done now!!! Keith Koffler, of White House Dossier, is here to tell us in the excellent journalistic scoop “’Middle Class Joe’ Takes Thanksgiving on Nantucket.” Vice President Biden, who thinks of himself as middle class and self-identifies with average Americans, embarked Tuesday for the exclusive resort island of Nantucket, [...]

Wives! Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can Kill ‘Em, According to Charismatic ‘Ex’-Gay Christian-Orgy Cult Leader

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Tyler Deaton is a handsome young man. He met his wife, Bethany, in prayer group at college. He was so charismatic that by his senior year, he’d convinced a bunch of hot dudes to leave the school-sanctioned Christian fellowship at Southwestern in Texas, and join him in Kansas City instead, so they could be close [...]

Anti-Gay Christian Lawyer Lady Spread Gospel, Teen Girl’s Legs With (Alleged) Cross-Border Child Porn

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

It has been at least a week since someone involved in an anti-gay Christian group was found with a hooker’s penis in his bottom or (allegedly) diddling a child, and a week is five years in Blowvember-time. Luckily, Lisa Biron, a New Hampshire lawyer associated with the “Alliance Defending Freedom,” has gotten herself into a [...]

This $100,000 Chicken Coop Will Win You A ‘First Place’ Against ‘The Wall’ When ‘The Revolution’ ‘Comes’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

It’s that time of year again! Time for the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Christmas Book of Charming Gifts for the guy at Papa Johns! Can you stand the excitement? Neither can we! But while there are plenty of stupid ways to blow the greasy wads of cash that have turned you from human being to Donald [...]

Barack Obama Was Probably Banging Jill Kelley Obviously, Except For How He Is Gay

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Well this is much better! Tampa nonsense queen Jill Kelley and her evil twin visited the White House three times this year, an administration official told AP. Obviously, this means President Barack Obama has been boning both of them, in the SitRoom, while eating popcorn and laughing while watching Christopher Stevens die. He did this [...]

Anonymous Claims It Stopped Karl Rove From Hacking The Election By Hacking ORCA, We Think

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Oh cool, Anonymous (we think it is Anonymous?) says Karl Rove was gonna vote fraud all the Machines, and that’s why he was so flabbergasted and refused to believe it when Fox called Ohio for Bamz, but they stopped him from stealing all the Machines by jamming up ORCA, because it was not actually a [...]

Alabama Fella Pretty Much Started Petition ‘Cause Fascist Gubmint Shut Down His Nudie Carwash

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Lots of red-blooded US Merkins love America so much they want to LEAVE IT (because Kenyan Mooslim Sharia Oppression and such). But one such patriot is a little more interesting! Sup, guy who started Alabama’s secession petition Derrick Belcher, 45, of “Chuncula”? “Blah blah libertarianism, RON PAUL!!!1!, freedom, not-racist, hard-working, etc.” Oh yes, here it [...]

Pro-Life Tennessee Congressman Just Having All The Abortions So No One Else Has To

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Remember Scott DesJarlais? Of course you do. He is the “pro-life congressman” who whined at (one of) his (many) mistress(es) to have an abortion — while recording the telephone call in which he pressured her (with his whining)? Well, now it appears the “consistently pro-life congressman” — who just won re-election — supported his wife [...]

Nobody Expects The Minnesota-Teens-Who-Approve-Of-Gay-Marriage Inquisition!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

We all know that the holy rite of communion is not available to divorced Catholics, remarried Catholics, and nuns who are hospital administrators and allow women whose lives are in immediate danger from their pregnancies to get abortions. (And may get excommunicated, depending.) (Oh and it’s still available to priests who rape their charges, because [...]

Fox News Just Gets It

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

What have the Communists at Think Progress found for the Internet this time?

Maine GOP Chair: I See Black People

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

DId you know only about 1 percent of Mainers are of the African American variety of American? Did you know that adds up (every little bit counts!) to about 15,000 or so black Mainers? Well Maine GOP chair Charlie Webster apparently did not know that, because, as he told NBC, a whole bunch of black [...]

John McCain Continues To Be A Bitter Old Idiot

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

You know who is so mad about the attack on the American consulate in Benghazi, and how Barack Obama sat around in the SitRoom, eating popcorn and demanding the CIA stand down and let our ambassador, Christopher Stevens, die and get dragged through the streets*? John McCain is so mad about it! He is so [...]

Mitt Romney Drops By To Make Sure You Still Loathe Him

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Mitt Romney was lonely. A week after the election, and all anybody was laughing at was Karl Rove and Fox News and Dick Morris and Gallup, and people had kind of forgotten Mitt himself, the onetime standard-bearer of the GOP. Had he himself not shit the bed? Was he not the master of his own [...]

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Present To You: ‘The Shirtless F.B.I. Guy’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

By all appearances, Frederick W. Humphries II, 47, has asked his remaining friends in the Federal Bureau of Investigation to reach out to The New York Times and speak as glowingly of his character as certain other people have spoken of certain other people’s maternal love. Wait, what? Oh, don’t worry about it. You guys, [...]

Daily Caller Outraged: Queen Michelle Obama Bogarting All The Downton Abbeys

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Well we never! Did you know that Queen Michelle Obama is so enamored of the BBC televisionne programme “Downton Abbey” that she “begged” to get season three before the rest of us servants, and they gave it to her??? The Daily Caller knows, and they are, predictably, taking exceptionne. So much for being an average [...]