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The thing is, nobody REALLY tells you about the hemorrhoids. I mean, sure, you might read something in the pregnancy books about swollen blood vessels, but there's nothing that truly prepares you for the day you go to the bathroom and make the Awful Discovery: somehow, you have a tiny balloon protruding from your butt. Possibly there's more than one. Possibly the entire colorful helium-filled cast of Up is suddenly emerging down there, because your body is a precious vessel carrying the miracle of life which apparently includes all sorts of unwanted things peeping out of your asshole.

"Soak your bottom in a warm tub!" the books say. "Apply an ice pack!" What they don't say is 1) putting an ice pack on your sphincter is seriously unpleasant, and 2) things are only going to get worse. Much, MUCH worse.

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You've deliberated long and hard with your spouse and it's time: You're ready to start a family! Time to make the baby. Whee! For most people this is the easy part, right? Just stop using birth control and just -- well, you know what to do. BUT WAIT! Don't throw those birth control pills away quite yet.

There's a few things every couple should do before they try to conceive. (Or, for that matter, if you're sexually active -- Tequlia Sue and Fertile Myrtle.) You'll want to make sure you're in good health before you start that baby making. Here's a few things you should put on your to-do list.

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If you have your heart set on having a baby boy or baby girl when you become pregnant, it can be a little bit of a letdown when you find out you aren't going to be blessed with the sex you'd hoped for. But one mom in Ireland tragically let her devastation get the best of her.

When 35-year-old Anna Byrne learned that she was pregnant with twin boys, she ultimately jumped from a cliff to her death presumably because she wanted a baby girl so badly and just couldn't bear the thought of not having a daughter. (Saddest. Story. Ever.)

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So I'll just cut to the chase here: Apparently Teen Mom's Maci Bookout lost all her baby weight in just two weeks. Jaw drop! Is it true? I don't know -- probably, more or less? That's what her Facebook fan page says. Jeebus! So much for "nine months to put it on, nine months to take it off." 

Teenagers! Shrug.

I mean, Maci was just 16 when she had Bentley. And this is the same young lady who laments that she's "too skinny" (cough, humblebrag, cough). So how much of that two-week weight-loss is due to her roadrunner metabolism and how much of it is due to just dang youth?

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It's hard to tell who gets pregnant more -- Jennifer Aniston or Kate Middleton. We had our latest Jennifer Aniston preggo rumor a couple of weeks ago, so now it's Kate's turn. But this time, just like with Jen's rumor, things are a tad different. Normally, we hear that Kate's got a little royal in the oven from some unnamed insidery source, i.e., who the hell knows who. This time, however, we know who. It's a woman named Jessica Hay, who claims to be a close friend of Kate's. Jessica told an Australian tabloid:

They’re planning to make an announcement in December. William and Kate are focused on starting a family.

And that's not the end of this friend's blabby ways.

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Not news-worthy: Monica Zapotoczny of Buenos Aires recently gave birth to twins. Somewhat news-worthy: Monica Zapotoczny, 45, of Buenos Aires, recently gave birth to twins via her eggs that she had frozen. Crazy news-worthy: Monica Zapotoczny, 45, of Buenos Aires, recently gave birth to twins via her eggs that she had frozen -- 12 years ago. That's a record!

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When I was pregnant, I dreamed of that race to the hospital and worried about all of the things that could happen en route to prevent me from getting there. Two medically necessary scheduled C-sections meant none of them happened to me, but I'm always fascinated by stories of those to whom they do.

Take this woman from Bellville, Ontario, who got stopped for speeding while she was in labor this weekend. There she was just trying to get to the hospital in time when she saw the flashing lights of a police officer. So she pulled over, with one heck of a good excuse.

That's when the police officer got what was probably the biggest surprise of his career.

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Have you noticed how these days, with social media being the norm, it seems like we get a play by play of every woman we follows pregnancy? Even if the mom herself is not all “Look at me," people feel it’s their duty and right to see and touch her stomach. I was never down with the you can touch my stomach. I’m not a big fan of attention being called to my stomach. I’ve spent a lot of time being overweight and my stomach is the last place I want people putting their attention, ever.

All that being said, I did take baby bump photos because I wanted to keep a record for myself and I also shared them with my mom and sisters, close friends because I was excited and we lived about 12 hours from everyone we ever knew at the time, so it was a way to share the experience with people who loved us. Mind you, this was before the Facebook and Twitter boom.

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I think the strangest accessory I sported during my pregnancies was a hair elastic looped around my jeans buttonhole to let my pants gap out and accommodate that awkward definitely-bigger-but-not-yet-ready-for-maternity-clothes stage. A sneakily-placed ponytail holder is nothing compared to the oddball things you see on pregnant women these days, though, thanks to the ever-growing market for maternity gadgets and accessories.

There are all sorts of doohickeys and garments available now, and while some of them sound pretty useful (like these "Pocket Dots" that keep belly bands in place), some are just ... inexplicable.

Here's a just-for-fun roundup of some of the weirdest, most uncomfortable-sounding, tinfoil-hat-worthy maternity accessories I've come across.

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The vagina. It's like a sensitive flower. It will open up if you sing lovely songs to it and show it a little sunshiny happiness, but if you get all cold and dreary, it will basically shun you. This goes for sex of course (flowers like vaginas love to be wet), but also for birth and during your whole pregnancy. When we ladies are pregnant, our vaginas should be praised -- it's like the doorway to life, the passage to the secrets of continuing the human race. Everyone should love vaginas. Especially your OB/GYN. 

When Ina May Gaskin said that doctors should tell their pregnant patients that they have the best vagina they ever saw in Birth Story: Ina May Gaskin and the Farm Midwives, she was right. Think about what would happen if your doctor told you that. You would laugh. Your guard would be down. You'd relax. This is exactly the type of doctor/patient relationship we should have.

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Meet The Stir Columnistas See All Columns-->

Before Gabrielle Blair found an accidental career doing all things Internet, she was a graphic designer and art director. Now she gets her creative fix seeking out and writing about all things well-designed for her popular blog Design Mom and for her "Inspiration Scout" column here at The Stir. She has six children, including a just-born baby girl. 

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