With Leather Book Club: Tank Abbott’s ‘Befor There Were Rules: Bar Brawler’ Part 1

11.26.12 Written by Jessica Hudnall

Free ridiculous toupée with every purchase!

Ed. note - Brandon here. As regular readers of With Leather know, we have been obsessed with former UFC fighter Tank Abbott’s debut novel, the thoroughly-titled Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel since news of its existence broke last week.

So far we’ve written about the book’s Amazon synopsis (“Tank Abbott takes readers from the parking lot to the cage with a realism and honesty about mixed martial arts never before told or exposed”) and Abbott’s incredible follow-up where he says he got drunk to write it and it’s just like The Old Man And The Sea

We need to know everything about this book. Thankfully, With Leather favorite Jessica, aka Lobster Mobster, actually ordered a copy (!) and seems pleased with it (!!), so we’re letting her do the grunt work and create a sort-of SparkNotes for the trilogy. Without further ado, here is everything you ever wanted to know about Tank Abbott’s book trilogy with an ‘e’ missing from the title but were afraid to ask.

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32 Comments TAGS: AWESOME WRITING, BAR BRAWLER, BOOKS, JOHN MATUA, MMA, STREET FIGHTING, TANK ABBOTT, TITO ORTIZ, UFC, UFC 6, WITH LEATHER BOOK CLUB

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Forget Turkey, Here’s The Bro Who Broke The World Record For Swallowing Swords

11.26.12 Written by Ashley Burns

According to the Sword Swallowers Association – which I swear is safe for work – Ian Brown is a relative newcomer to the world of sticking dangerous blades into one’s esophagus, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not trying to figuratively carve his niche. Brown only recently decided that he wanted to partially ingest weaponry, yet he already holds the United Kingdom’s record for Most Curved Swords Swallowed at Once with a whopping two. And now, as if to tell the world that he is the king of curved swords, Brown has laid claim to the world record for longest sword swallow, as he held two blades in his throat for 13 seconds. Eat your heart out, Sasha Grey.

The attempt actually broke Brown’s previous record of 8 seconds, and while you’d think that a guy would get all Little Junior Brown for having that much metal in his mouth for that long, this Brown says it ain’t no thang but a METAL POINT TOUCHING HIS DIGESTIVE TRACK.

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3 Comments TAGS: AT LEAST IT'S COMPETITIVE, BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT, DAREDEVILS, ENGLAND, IAN BROWN, SWORDS, WORLD RECORDS

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Good Morning! Here’s A Workout Fail Compilation, Because Health Is The Worst

11.26.12 Written by Brandon Stroud

Thanksgiving weekend is officially over, so now it’s time to get in the gym and work off all the gross shit you ate. I mean, you don’t have to do it NOW. You can wait until after Christmas. But eventually you’re going to look like one of the people in this workout fail compilation, and it’s going to be hilarious. (via Bob’s Blitz)

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4 Comments TAGS: EXERCISE, FOR YOUR HEALTH, HOMICIDAL EXERCISE EQUIPMENT, INSPIRATIONAL FAILURES, MORNING LINKS, THANKSGIVING, WEIGHT LIFTING

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The Top 10 YouTube Comments For The Mark Sanchez Assface Fumble

11.23.12 Written by Brandon Stroud

So it turns out that Wild Turkey football-picking turkey Jimmy Junior is full of shit. On Wednesday, we shared the video of him picking the NFL’s Thanksgiving day games … he picked Detroit over Houston (Houston won 34-31 in overtime) and Dallas over Washington (Washington controlled the entire game and won 38-31). His only correct pick was New England over New York, and I don’t want to throw shade at a prognosticating animal, but Paul The Psychic Octopus could’ve called that one, and he’s dead.

I think I speak for everyone when I say the highlight of the Patriots/Jets game was Mark Sanchez running into his own lineman’s ass for no reason, fumbling the ball and giving up a touchdown. It was one of the most inexplicably pathetic things I’ve ever seen on a football field, including the time in 10th grade when I went out for a pass, got wide open, got too confident and tripped over my own feet about 20 yards ahead of the ball. At least I didn’t leave my faceprint in somebody’s buttcrack.

There isn’t a lot to be said that wasn’t covered in the KSK live thread for the game, so instead, here are my ten favorite YouTube comments from Ass Fumble-Gate.

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14 Comments TAGS: EPIC FAIL, MARK SANCHEZ, NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS, NEW YORK JETS, OUCH MY ASS, OUCH MY FACE, THANKSGIVING, YOUTUBE

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Aaron Rodgers Said Sam Elliott Has The Greatest Mustache Ever, Is Totally Right

11.23.12 Written by Ashley Burns

As a grown adult male who has never been able to grow sufficient facial hair, I don’t typically handle news involving mustaches and beards very well, but if that news creates the opportunity to rank celebrity mustaches and/or beards then I can live with it. In this case, Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers appeared on Jim Rome’s new show on Showtime Wednesday night and Romey asked the hard-hitting questions as usual.

Asked Rome, as his assistant cleared a spot on his mantle for a Pulitzer:

“You have long been a practitioner of the mustache. In the spirit of Movember, who are the greatest ‘staches in history? Which gentlemen belong on Mount ‘Stachemore?”

Of course I’m kidding with my jabs at Rome, because this kind of question is right up my alley, perhaps behind similar queries like “Have you ever tried to get two girls pregnant in the same threesome?” to Antonio Cromartie or “A-cup, D-cup or a nice palm full?” to Jay Cutler. So who did Rodgers name as his facial hair inspirations? Dude, it’s right there in the headline. Geez.

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10 Comments TAGS: AARON RODGERS, ACTORS, GREEN BAY PACKERS, JIM ROME, MOVEMBER, MUSTACHES, NFL, SAM ELLIOTT, TMZ

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Tank Abbott Compares Himself To A Drunk Ernest Hemingway

11.23.12 Written by Brandon Stroud

They are the same guy. No, really.

On Tuesday, we introduced you to Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel. If you can’t figure it out by the title, it’s the first of three self-aggrandizing docu-novels about a tough, cool, successful fighter, written by a fat guy who used to fight and is now mostly famous for farting his life away in backyard deathmatches. Oh, and he has a dog named after Hitler. Because reasons. And “before” is missing an E, which is his thing, not mine.

Anyway, the two easiest jokes to write about Bar Brawler are 1) a sarcastic “he’s just like Ernest Hemingway,” and 2) he must’ve been drunk when he wrote this. Lucky for us, Tank Abbott is in on the joke, and revealed two important things about his debut novel — he was drunk when he wrote it, and it’s kind of like The Old Man And The Sea.

These are actual things Tank Abbott said.

I made sure I had a couple of drinks in me before I’d start taking pen to paper.
There could be 10,000 pages of fights if I was going on my memory, but … every fight in the book has a purpose and a meaning and it’s written very metaphorically,” Abbott said. “Everything has a purpose. It’s not just like a biography where someone says, ‘Oh, I was wrestling in high school and then I went to college and I dropped out because my girlfriend wouldn’t write papers anymore,’ that kind of stuff. … It’s not one of those things. It’s kind of like ‘Old Man and the Sea.’ It’s about finding your meaning in life and being lucky enough to live it. (via Sherdog)

This is the gift that keeps on giving. The book’s fights aren’t based on real fights, they’re VERY METAPHORICAL and there for a purpose. Best of all, Tank Abbott thinks the average person’s college experience is dropping out because your girlfriend stopped writing your papers. Real men don’t write papers, they write THREE BOOKS ABOUT FANTASY BAR FIGHTS.

I can’t with this thing. As soon as site favorite Jessica/Lobster Mobster gets her copy of B4 Their Was Rulez, I’m making her copy and paste the entire thing onto With Leather. I can’t wait to see whether or not the Hitler dog is based on a real dog.

5 Comments TAGS: BAR BRAWLER, BOOKS, DRUNK ATHLETES, ERNEST HEMINGWAY, MMA, TANK ABBOTT, UFC

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With Leather Book Club: Tank Abbott’s ‘Befor There Were Rules: Bar Brawler’ Part 1

Forget Turkey, Here’s The Bro Who Broke The World Record For Swallowing Swords

Good Morning! Here’s A Workout Fail Compilation, Because Health Is The Worst

The Top 10 YouTube Comments For The Mark Sanchez Assface Fumble

Aaron Rodgers Said Sam Elliott Has The Greatest Mustache Ever, Is Totally Right

Tank Abbott Compares Himself To A Drunk Ernest Hemingway

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