Tiki Barber Is Hilariously Desperate For Money

11.15.12 Written by Christmas Ape

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Tiki Barber was once on top of the world. A running back who was admired by the media despite rampant fumbling and teammate back-biting. A lucrative post-football career in broadcasting. Sadly, even those things can be derailed by persistent shitty behavior as well as cheating on your wife with a 23-year-old intern who works at your company.

Nowadays, Tiki is broke and willing to do just about anything for money. You name it, no matter how degrading. Play in your flag football game for two grand? You got it. Just name the park.

You’re getting Tiki Barber—the NY Giants all-time leading rusher and owner of one of the greatest names in the history of names—for your next game of flag football. Or basketball. Or kickball. Or pretty much whatever sport/gentlemanly activity you can think of. Because having a three-time Pro Bowl-er on your team definitely qualifies as a Perk.

Ufford recently had Tiki on as his guest for the first edition of his NFL podcast, UFFSIDES. According to Ufford, the flag football offer is “only the tip of the iceberg — you can also go karaoke with him. His go-to: Maroon 5. That was when I told him, ‘You’re so white.’ Probably the highlight of the interview.”

Surely there are even more demeaning things that he can do. Just a few things Tiki could do for $100:

Attend your Christmas party (tend bar)
Join your foursome (as a caddy)
Fetch beer for Peter King (Allagash bottle or GTFO)
Pick up Eli Manning’s toys
Sleep with your company’s intern (that one’s on the house)

TAGS: Tiki Barber, xmas ape
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38 comments
Christmas Ape posted

"Tiki Barber Is Hilariously Desperate For Money"

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    11.15.12 at 11:54 am
    Vince Mancini ☆

    I never hated Tiki Barber until he praised Maroon 5. Someone singing Maroon 5 at karaoke is a war crime.

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      11.15.12 at 12:11 pm
      JimmyJankin

      YES

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    11.15.12 at 12:06 pm
    JamaalCharlesRepairedKnees

    He could become Jay Catler’s personal catnip supplier. Because Jay Cutler is a cat you see.

    Travel the US with King Laserface in the off-season to serve as an example to kids the dangers of being a non-abstinent whore-mongering cock-slobberer

    Hold signs announcing specials in front of any of Pey-peys 21 Denver area Papa Johns

    Could serve as another bodyguard from himself for Dez Bryant (a perfect fit due to their similar ball-handling abilities)

    Professional pep-talker for the Kansas City Chiefs offense to show them how they to, despite having any ability to hold onto a football, can still be considered elite by the media

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      11.15.12 at 12:16 pm
      JamaalCharlesRepairedKnees

      *too

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      11.17.12 at 11:25 pm
      Duchess

      What do you think Sam Hurd was doing? He was arrested because he was trying to score Kilos of “Cat Nip” cops just thought it was street slang for cocaine

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      11.18.12 at 12:34 pm
      JJFozz

      Special knife sharpener to Ray Lewis.

      Keeping track of Big Ben’s Lego collection.

      Helping Mike Vick open up a jar of pickles to prevent Ookie getting a concussion.

      The list is endless.

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    11.15.12 at 12:08 pm
    Breesus Disciple

    How about wingman at a college bar?

    And how do I know I’m getting Tiki? For all I know I could be getting Ronde Barber and then I’d feel ripped off!!

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      11.15.12 at 5:30 pm
      IrishCream

      Like Jose Canseco and his brother do at autograph sessions? Well, used to do…

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    11.15.12 at 12:09 pm
    Bloody Lethal

    Remember the Pratt Promises!

    [24.media.tumblr.com]

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    11.15.12 at 12:12 pm
    JimmyJankin

    Now I see where the inspiration for Petraeus’ behavior came from.

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    11.15.12 at 12:16 pm
    Cuntler

    “Surely there are even more demeaning things that he can do. Just a few things Tiki could do for $100:”

    Appear on a podcast called “Uffsides”?

    /BUUUUUUUUURN
    //Actually, the podcast was quite entertaining

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    11.15.12 at 12:20 pm
    Upstate Underdog

    “…as well as cheating on your PREGNANT wife with a 23-year-old intern who works at your company.”

    /fixed

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      11.15.12 at 1:01 pm
      City of Industry Football Corporation

      I and all the women watching Oxygen thank you.

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      11.15.12 at 6:02 pm
      Bo Higgs

      I didn’t know you were ghey.

      Can you shoot me some fashion advice?

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    11.15.12 at 12:23 pm
    scotchnaut

    I imagine that whenever Jose Canseco is feeling low he calls Tiki, laughs and then hangs up.

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    11.15.12 at 12:29 pm
    Upstate Underdog

    I’m pretty sure appearing on Uffords podcast is the last stop before living under a bridge.

    /I kid because I care

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    11.15.12 at 12:34 pm
    SonOfSpam

    Can’t wait for Ape’s podcast “Tunning Into The Kicker”

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      11.15.12 at 1:36 pm
      Enrico Pallazzo

      Or Drew’s: 2 Yard Gain By Cleveland (Ma)Gary

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      11.15.12 at 6:04 pm
      Bo Higgs

      I think you mean “2 pound gain.”

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    11.15.12 at 12:42 pm
    porkythefirst

    I don’t have any jokes for this. But If I hit the lottery, I’m hiring Tiki to work my lottery celebration party to sit in he dunk tank, and I’m flying out the Gay Mafia and at least 10 of the Kommentariat.

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      11.15.12 at 12:43 pm
      JimmyJankin

      Way cool.

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      11.15.12 at 12:44 pm
      SonOfSpam

      I’ll bring beer. (Sarah, of course, will cater)

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      11.15.12 at 12:47 pm
      Upstate Underdog

      Powerball is up to 214 million. Just let me know the date of the party so I can clear my schedule.

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      11.15.12 at 12:50 pm
      William Charles Schneider

      Fek will bring the tranny porn. And the trannies.

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      11.15.12 at 12:51 pm
      JamaalCharlesRepairedKnees

      Pics or GTFU. I always wondered what Ottoman looks like without a mullet and a tan

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