Crude Sex Jokes

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!

Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
A. Speed bumps.

Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis...even a thought can raise it.

Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.

Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Q. What does a female snail say during crude sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!

Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.

Q. What's red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period.

Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.

Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.

Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!

Q. What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.

Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?
A. To let the lumber jack off.

Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.

Q. Hey, what's sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord

Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.

Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.

Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie

Q. How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A. You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed  doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
A. He did okay until his business fell off.

Q. What's the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
A. She can only give you lip once!

Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
A. The Captains Dinghy!

Q. What does 70 year old pussy taste like?
A. Depends!

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to use it.

Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
A. They stay stuck in adolescence.

Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.

Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God's gift?
A. Exchange him.

Q. What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he's getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
A. "Hang on, boy! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!"

Q. Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
A. Because you have to hollow the head out.

Q. What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
A. Strip Poker

Q. What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?
A. The aids team.

Q. What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
A. See you next period.

Q. What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
A. Inserting the anchovies.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Q. What do you call a female clown?
A. A Clunt

Q. How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
A. He fell off the ball washer!

Q. Why do horny women order at Subway?
A. Footlongs

Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A. A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
A. He got the sack.

Q. Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
A. He's down to four butts a day.

Q. Did you hear about the kid napping?
A. Yeah, he woke up!

Q. Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for "lesbian".
A. It has been changed to "vagitarian".

Q. What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A. Two gays with haemorrhoids.

Q. Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
A. They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

Q. What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
A. They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Q. How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A. They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

Q. Did you know 70% of the gay population were born that way?
A. The other 30% were sucked into it.

Q. Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A. "Leave it, it's Beaver."

Q. Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A. He found a hare up his ass.

Q. How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
A. The hero always gets his man in the end.

Q. How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
A. All the good guys are hung.

Q. Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS?
A. They can't get the laboratory mice to arse fuck.

Q. Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A. So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.

Q. Did you hear about the two gay judges?
A. They tried each other.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.

Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand!

Q. What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A. Male fraud.

Q. What's the difference between a hamster and a cow?
A. Cows survive the branding.

Q. What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?
A. A wet nose.

Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
A. Bisexual.

Q. What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A. Gonorrhoea.

Q. Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
A. It's for the Christmas period.

Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A. When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Q. How can you tell she's a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. Why did god give men penises?
A. So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Q. Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
A. They hid their own eggs!

Q. What's the hottest thing in the world?
A. Two rats fucking in a wool sock.

Q. What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
A. Hit either one of them and you're grounded.

Q. What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
A. Playtex.

Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off.

Q. What's female Viagra?
A. Jewellery

Q. What do you call an anorexic prostitute?
A. Lite & Easy

Q. Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A. Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

Q. What's the difference between the San Diego Padres and a Prostitute?
A. Nothing, they both suck!

Q. Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
A. They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.

Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?
A. The porn video has better music!

Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
A. You can drop her off where ever you want!

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