Techronia
Technical Support Services
"The world of technology can be difficult for
some." - Press Release
We offer a range of quality services to satisfy
any possible technical support requirement. Time
and time again, companies rely on our services
to fish their workers out of daily situations
and problems. Most companies only give you the
"royal shaft" treatment, Techronia gives you the
answers. We probe deep into the partially
working minds of our clients and delve into
their shallow waters to discover what they want
from us. Whether it's the fact that they are
incapable of figuring out a device like the
"mouse" that 6.7 million other people know how
to use, or finding that ever elusive power
switch for the monitor, we are here to help.
Lets look at just some of the service offerings
available from Techronia at competitive industry
rates...
Techronia Phone Support
When the statement "Click Here" isn't clear
enough; when "Press any key to continue..."
doesn't provide enough options; when "Are you
sure you wish to format non-removable device?"
is just not informative enough, Techronia will
be there. Tony Pallers explains, "It was about
3:45pm and we received a call from what we
classify here as a Loser User... ", stopping
momentarily to reminisce he continues in the
sound of the users voice, "I have lost all my
files! I go to drive 'A' just like the book
says, this is not a joke and the computer says there is nothing
there!" Tony continues in his normal voice, "I
asked the user if he took the disk in drive A
out. The user on the other end of the phone is
silent for a few seconds and replies, 'yeah, why
do you ask?' To which I replied, "BECAUSE YOUR
FILES ARE ON THAT FUCKING DISK YOU PRICK!"
Quick, accurate service makes Techronia, support
firm chart topper for the past 5 years.
Techronia Priority Out Of Hours Wanker
Service
"I remember one client calling... It was about
2am and he used our Priority Out of Hours Wanker
Service... He called saying that his screen was
blank, his mind was blank, and he needed to
start writing a presentation due to management
the next morning." recalls technician Bob
Goldbalm. "We immediately provided a solution,
by asking the user to plug the computer in, "For
the thing to work, just plug it in, moron!".
"It's moments like this, to hear the squeals of
glee from this fucking moron that make me feel
like I am doing my job." says Bob shaking his
head in disbelief.
Techronia Group
Therapy
It doesn't just end at simple phone support for
our customers... Since things like, undeleteing
files clients so recklessly deleted isn't always
possible, we offer stupidity consultations. We
open up user groups to talk about where their
stupidity originated. Heredity, social status,
the fact that they received a pink slip 3 weeks
ago but are still working for the company, are
all group discussion topics that bring subjects
into the open. Although most of the clients are
irreparably moronic for the rest of their lives,
we can look at ways of curving the impact of
their truly stupid acts from effecting the
remainder of the company.
Techronia Out
of Hours On-Site
It was about 11:30 on a Sunday morning, when I
get a request to go onto a client site. When I
arrive, a man flailing his arms comes up to me
and states, "I'm trying to print this
document!...And the printer wont work! Why can't
you guys get this printing thing right?" the
user said. I approached the printer, pointed to
it, and said, "Do you know what that blinking
red light next to 'PAPER JAM' means?", to which
there was the usual pause and, "No?" Opening the
printer I exclaimed, "It means there is a
fucking paper jam, as in open the printer, and
take the fucking paper out, cunt." Our on-site
support not only resolves the immediate problem,
but helps instruct the user on how to resolve
the problem in future incidences, rather then
resorting to their usual complete display of
arrogance.
For further
information on these and many other services,
contact 1-800-DUM-USER
How to Please Your
I.T. Department
01. When you call us to have your computer
moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a
ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed
animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and
children's art. We don't have a life, and we
find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting
glimpse of yours.
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play
back the error messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right
over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there
when we need your password. It's nothing for us
to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you
want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We
don't need to know that you can't get into your
mail because your computer won't power on at
all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with
high importance, delete it at once. We're just
testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his
desk, walk right in and spill your guts right
out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail
server picks it up and flags it as a rush
delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call
computer support. There's electronics in it.
09. When something's wrong with your home PC,
dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name,
no phone number and no description of the
problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer
screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We
love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be
there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of
voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the
job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get
sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20
tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the
company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything
technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My
thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for
wimps.
"Puff the Fractal
Dragon"
No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal
Puff -
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink
him far enough.
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
And swapped out all their data space when Puff
pushed his stack frame.
Chorus:
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in
mainframe memory.
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in
mainframe memory.
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved
like snails
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his
gigantic tail.
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said,
"Enough!"
(chorus)
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
The operator killed Puff's job - he didn't seem
to care.
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the
end,
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from
naught again!
(chorus)
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