George W. Bush
told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid
political jokes people make about me." Cheney reassured
him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are
just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In
fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll
show you what I mean."
The Political
Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and
says to the driver, "Please take me to 261 M
street to see if I'm home, " said Cheney.
Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to
M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came
back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not
there! Take us back to where we started,
please."
The cabbie did what he was told without a word.
Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, "You get
the idea? People are idiots wherever you go!
Don't worry about their opinions!"
Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better."
Then he winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he
stupid! He picked us up right in front of a
phone booth. He should have realized you could
have called instead!
A man walked
into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as
President Bush appeared on the television. After
a few sips, he looked up at the television and
mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass
I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the
bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and
decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was
finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the
television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man.
This time, a customer at the other end of the
bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and
knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man
said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be
Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied.
"Horse country!"
George W. Bush
went to see the doctor to get the results of his
brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I
have some bad news for you. First, we have
discovered that your brain has two sides: the
left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't
it? I thought everybody had two sides to their
brain?"
The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President.
But your brain is very unusual because on the
left side there isn't anything right, while on
the right side there isn't anything left."
When Einstein
died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St.
Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his
identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his
equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do
I know you're Picasso?"
Picasso sketched out a couple of his
masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let
him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and
met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to
me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."
St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me
his equations and Picasso drew his famous
pictures. What can you do to prove you're George
W. Bush?"
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and
Picasso?"
St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon
on in."
WASHINGTON
(Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed
the personal library of President George W.
Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the
president was devastated, as he had not finished
coloring the second one.
Bill Clinton,
Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a
firing squad in a small Central American
country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed
against the wall and just before the order was
given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing
squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the
wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the
wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered
what he had just witnessed. Again before the
order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again
the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the
wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed
against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the
pattern here, just scream out something about a
disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently
refused the blindfold as the firing squad was
reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his
direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled,
"Fire!"
Before the
inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get
acquainted' tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he
asked President Clinton if he could use his
personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that
the President had a solid gold urinal!
That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura,
about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I
am President, I'll have my own personal gold
urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her
tour of the White House, she told Hillary how
impressed George had been with his discovery of
the fact that, in the President's private
bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting
ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said,
"Well, I found out who pissed in your
saxophone."
While visiting
England, George Bush is invited to tea with the
Queen. He asks her what her leadership
philosophy is. She says that it is to surround
herself with intelligent people. He asks how she
knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking
them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime
Minister. Please answer this question: Your
mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister.
Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me,
ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the
Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that,
Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be
using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd
better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign
Relations Committee to the test. He summons
Jesse Helms to the White House and says,
"Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What零 on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother
or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I
think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately
calls a meeting of other senior Republican
senators, and they puzzle over the question for
several hours, but nobody can come up with an
answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls
Colin Powell at the State Department and
explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child,
and your father has a child, and this child is
not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course,
you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White
House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I
know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb
shit, it's Tony Blair!"
Bush and Gore
were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the
craziness of the election. When the waitress
came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take
the steak." When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll
take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress
to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He
means the quiche."
In a Veteran's
Day speech, President Bush vowed, 'We will
finish the mission. Period.' Afterwards, he was
advised he doesn't have to read the punctuation
marks.
George W. Bush
and his driver were going to Air Force One and
were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the
road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of
the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to
explain what had happened. He came out with a
beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw
this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?"
The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George
W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."
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