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Boss Todd Has Got This Figured Out
Written by Christmas Ape / 11.15.12 Todd Haley: Oh, so this is how it’s gonna be, is it? Moping around like a bunch of bar flies after all the good tail got claimed for the night. You pussies are harshing Boss Todd’s buzz. What is it? You’re down because we lost our walking assault charge? Listen, f*ckstains. We’re more than one man. We’re a system. A brilliant system of my design. If anything, losing Pig Ben has freed us. We don’t have to tie our attack to the skill set of a freelancing sack of potatoes. Now my true vision can be seen. Let the dinks and dunks reign!
LEFTRIDGE! WHERE IS LEFTRIDGE?
Byron Leftwich: Leftwich.
Todd Haley: What was that?
Byron Leftwich: Leftwich. My last name is Leftwich.
Todd Haley: Listen up, Leftridge. You got some attitude and I don’t care for your tone. If I had my say, we’d have a real quarterback like Tyler Palko starting on Sunday. Now there’s a boy who can dink. Unfortunately, Boss Todd ain’t calling those shots… yet. He has to play the cards he’s dealt. That’s fine, though. I got an offensive scheme even you can’t screw up with your 10-second delivery. I seen dried up schoolmarms their rocks off faster than you get rid of the ball. The most important lesson of the dinks and dunks is the quarterback having the ball for as little time as possible. If I see you make as much as a four-step drop, I will straight up end you. No joke.
Jerricho Cotchery: What if the offense gets back up on a 3rd and long? Shouldn’t he be taking a deep dropback?
Todd Haley: That’s a good question. Also: F*CK YOU FOR QUESTIONING ME! Since you just HAD TO ASK, we won’t be getting in 3rd and longs because the system is foolproof. I even simplified it so Leftridge here can’t screw it up. HEY LEFTRIDGE: See that little bitty f*cker?
Byron Leftwich: Yeah, that’s Chris Rainey.
Chris Rainey: Hi!
Todd Haley: I don’t give a smelly twirling yellow f*ck what his name is. That’s my new Dexter McCluster.
Jerricho Cotchery: You mean one of the guys you were giving the ball to instead of Jamaal Charles?
Todd Haley: Exactly! I’m glad one of you assholes has been paying attention. Leftridge, anytime I’m calling a pass, you just dump it to Mini McCluster and let him work his magic.
Byron Leftrich: Isn’t that a little predictable?
Todd Haley: Not as predictable as me hating you. Look at that little stringy turdlet. He’s so shifty. Sure, he fumbles once or twice a game. I don’t give a shit. Speed like that you just can’t coach. They’ll never see him coming.
[ER doors fly open]
Ben Roethlisberger: HI TEAM. DOCTOR MAN SAYS BEN MCRIB COULD HURT A ORCA IF THE BEN PLAY FOOTBAW RIGHT NOW. THE BEN CONFUSE. WATCH DISCOVERY CHANNEL. ORCA IS LIKE WHALE. HOW MCRIB HURT A WHALE? WHALE BIG. BIG LIKE BEN. THEY NO GET OWIES. MAKE NO SENSE TO BEN. HOW MAGNETS WORK? ESPLAIN PLEASE.
Todd Haley: Run along. You heard the f*cking quack. No football for a while, Ben. Why don’t you find a bathroom stall to set up camp for a while? This team has important business. We’re plotting out all the dinks and dunks.
Ben Roethlisberger: OHHHH, OKAY. THE BEN GO LOOK FOR FRIEND FOR MAKE PLAY CALL OF DUTY ZOMBIES
NOOOOOO ZOMBIES GET HINES. THE BEN NO LIKE ZOMBIES AND NO LIKE ORCAS
TAGS: boss todd, pittsburgh steelers, xmas ape
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"Boss Todd Has Got This Figured Out"
Zombies. Damn.
“have a real quarterback like Tyler Palko”
I lost it there, bravo sir!
Magnets, how the fuck do they work?
Hard-hitting, incisive questions courtesy of The Ben. We expect nothing less.
Where’s Charlie Batch when you need him? Oh, he’s still there!? I see.
“Huh?! I’m still here, dagnabbit! Now, get outta my chair, and bring me a Beam and a light! Doctor says the booze isn’t good fer mah liver, but I’ve been drinkin’ since D-Day, and ain’t stoppin’ now!”
I love that picture!
Is that Batch or Leftridge?
SO good! I think the dried up schoolmarm line is my favorite. So sad that it is really true and not an exaggeration.
That picture of THE BEN is priceless
It’s the attention to detail that is key. Boss Todd totally looks like one of those redneck assholes that starts sentences with “I seen”.
I live a few miles from the Boss Todd and I saw him at the local Jynt Igl (Giant Eagle Grocery for those of you that dont read Pittsburghese) and the dude went right behind the deli counter without picking a number and started eating the Chipped Ham straight off the slicer…
“Chris Rainey: Hi!”
That shouldn’t have been funny…why the fuck is that so funny?
He seems SO nice!
One line, but the kid nailed it.
/After practice
“A orca.” Took me a minute. After that minute the tears followed. Well done.
You get a disloged rib stabbing into an Orca, you’re getting some blood there.
coach Blackie Tomlin has his dream…. white QB hurt, 2 black shitty QB’s to go… Steelers close to achieving 22 black starters for Blackie coach. how do we get Heath Miller hurt he wonders.
Don’t you have to go starch your white hood or something?
whoops, made a mistake…. Coach Blackie has to get both Miller and Kiesel injured to achieve his dream of 22 black starters. He’s so close. He could be the first black coach to have 22 black starters—- thats not racism of course.
@PKBSsuck: you are human smeg. Drekky fermented remains washed up into your mother (I don’t know her, maybe she’s a fine person but probably not if she raised you). As a lifelong Browns fan, I will proudly say I would have homosexual relations with Ben Roethlisberger before I shook your hand. Please get hit by a car but only suffer two broken knees, ruptured testicles so you can never pass on your mind filth to children, and a hamburgered face so you have to wear a bag (white hood?) over your head all the time so people know what a piece of shit you are.