When Death Feels Like A Good Option
Nov 29
Posted by benhuh
It wasn’t until after I seriously contemplated suicide that I was ready to handle a $30 million check.
I closed the doors of my first start-up in the summer of 2001. I was throughly broke, depressed, and feeling the burden of losing hundreds of thousands of dollars of other people’s money. Loneliness, darkness, hopelessness… those words don’t capture the feeling of the profound self-doubt that sets in after a failure. Loneliness. Darkness. Hopelessness. Those words describe the environment of depression. Self-doubt? That shakes you to the core and starts a fracture in your identity that makes you question if you should even exist anymore.
Then, a few short months after closing up my dreams, the planes hit the Twin Towers. I was 23-years-old, just a year older than the late Ilya Zhitomirskiy of Diaspora. It started a descent down to a depth I never knew could exist. Whatever it was, it was over. I knew things would get better. It probably would get better, but I just lost the energy and will to try. Until that point, my life had been a series of struggles and successes. Life was hard, but if you worked hard, if you suffered, if you lived for your dreams, it wasn’t supposed to end this way. There were plenty of examples of winners. People were getting funding, going public, creating change. Was I not meant to be an entrepreneur? Will I never get to pursue my dreams again?
I spent a week in my room with the lights off and cut off from the world, thinking of the best way to exit this failure. Death was a good option — and it got better by the day.
I don’t remember why I left my room. The most meaningful act I performed on my long climb out was to leave that room. It was the best decision I made in my life. I left that room and I got back to my job managing a very dysfunctional Internet radio startup where I was the cause of the dysfunction. It was a actually a positive thing that I left that room to leave a really bad situation to go to a bad situation.
It wasn’t for several months that death no longer became an option, but leaving that room and dealing with reality was the best antidote to a make-belief world where life just wasn’t worth it. When I was fantasizing about death as the panacea, the harshness of reality actually helped — it presented me with problems that I could actually solve.
9 years after I left that room, I would call Brad Feld to invest $30 million in my odd-ball company. Before I picked up the phone, I thought long and hard about losing that money — every single penny of it. And I was OK with it. Failure is an option, and a real risk. Failure and risk something entrepreneurs understand well, and learn to manage. However, death isn’t an option, it’s an inevitability. And before I die, I want to take as many swings at the fence as I can.
For those of you who struggle with this, I’d encourage you to keep walking out that door everyday.
Ilya, I’m so sorry that we didn’t know. From a long line of entrepreneurs who suffered alone and quietly under our own self-doubt, I wish I could talk to you and tell you to bash the shit out of your own self-doubt, or just even slink away with your tail tucked between your legs — either way, the world would have let you take more swings at the fences.
Posted on November 29, 2011, in Business, Personal. Bookmark the permalink. 45 Comments.
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wow, heavy stuff Ben. Glad you stuck it out and brought so much joy into the world. My wife and I thank you for it.
Ben, what an insightful and compelling account of your experiences, made even more significant by ilya’s recent passing. Thank you for this- it really puts everything into perspective and I am sure you have just helped many who are finding themselves in this situation.
Ben, thanks for sharing. Being on the other side of the Internet is difficult (creating vs. consuming). Lots of responsibility come with curating great content but I’m glad that you are still around helping bring smiles to people who need it!
Good stuff, Ben. Really appreciate you taking the time to write it. Most people don’t realize how low the lows can be for an entrepreneur.
Ben, I hope you become very very very very successful. We need people who are humble, smart, sincere, honest and open to win more often so the world knows how things really work.
Well said Ben! I’ve been there many times myself. Glad you took a few minutes to share with others.
powerful. thank you for sharing. hard stuff to vocalize/publicize.
I think you’re hitting on the nut of entrepreneurism itself… even at the absolute bottom of the barrel, something inside finds solace in the challenge (wherever it lies).
All I can think of is Larry from GroundHog’s day, telling Phil, “Man, you touched me.”
Thanks man.
Thanks, Ben!
Thanks Ben.
Great to see such honesty. And really sad to see, how much no one in the startup scene really wants to acknowledge this: usually my startup-related Facebook-posts get a lot of likes and comments from all my fellow founders here in Berlin; not this one, though. It received one “share”, which was deleted shortly after. And I received emails from other founders in response, telling me how much they liked this post, noticing that nobody wants to “like” it because nobody wants to be associated with similar flipsides of this always-on, always-successful startup life. Sad to see this lack of honesty, just to keep up this show of always up that no sane person believes anyway.
Ben,
Firstly, thanks. Secondly, these inspiring and potentially life-saving words should be featured prominently in the entrepreneurs’ handbook.
All the very best,
Gareth
Thank You for the great tribute to Ilya Zhitomirski. Your entrepreneurial passion is inspirational.
Ben, thanks for sharing. Being in the abyss of failure is an awful awful thing. I couldn’t write it better. With entrepreneurship being encouraged by the presidents and veterans like Steve Case, there should be more writings such as to help those that do not succeed in their first try, which, I think account the majority. Failure is not an option, it’s almost a prerequisite for most entrepreneurs and many, such myself, had no idea how deep the abyss can be. Thanks again.
Heavy stuff. Living is the best revenge.
One of the biggest mistakes I made was raising significant amount of money from friends and family. When the company failed and lost all the money, the burden of guilt is unbearable and keep pulling me back into “the dark room” whenever I try to get out.
Will definitely go the angel/VC route next time.
It’s incredibly generous of you to share the story of your depression. The more people admit to dealing with it — especially people as successful as you — the less stigma there will be. Thanks for sharing!
Foster Kamer wrote a very good article on this subject: U CAN’T HAZ SADZ: The Hushed Dangers of Startup Depression (www.betabeat.com/2011/11/22/u-cant-haz-sadz-the-hushed-dangers-of-startup-depression/)
Thank you so much for sharing this, Ben. You have brought out into the light what so many entrepreneurs can tend to deal with.
In Sydney, where I live, a guy by the name of Gavin Larkin (recently passed away from cancer) started a campaign called R U OK? (ruokday.com) The focus of the organisation is to empower people to be going below the surface with their friends, family and co-workers to help eliminate the quiet despair that may lead to suicide. Basically, asking the question, “Are you doing ok today?” This simple, yet powerful initiative has fueled the movement around Australia.
May many draw strength from your vulnerability, Ben.
Ben — I can totally relate. There are really, really dark days… But if it was easy everyone would be doing it.
Thanks for sharing this – I haven’t even begun (technically) and self-doubt has swallowed me several times; it always helps to know when someone says “this is the crack you’re going to fall into, it’s going to hurt…go through it and get past it and you’ll be ok.” As fear engulfing as the thought is, it seems to be a tad better of an experience when someone cares enough to let others know.
Thanks for sharing. Entrepreneurship is tough as hell, but I’m not so sure I’d like it if it was easy…
Thank you Ben. Self-doubt is more powerful than we sometimes realize. It’s helpful to know we’re not alone in our struggles.
Thanks for sharing. From an entrepreneur that’s had his share of failure, I look forward the to kind of success you’ve achieved. Cheers.