• Home
  • About Me
  • Read Me
  • Find Me
  • Me Likey

A Ghost In My Toilet

spacer Published August 6, 2012 | By Lori Dyan

At Woo Woo Headquarters* I recently took a Healing with Angels workshop. It’s also known as Integrated Energy Therapy, or IET, and is a hands-on healing therapy similar to Reiki. The workshop itself was phenomenal. Considering how disinclined I’ve been to organized religion in the past, the irony of attending a class dedicated to connecting with angels was not lost on me.

I learned that the term “angel” had more to do with universal energy than cherubs playing harps, and while at the workshop I’d felt a profound connection to…something. I wondered if and how it would continue once I was at home, away from the guided meditations and Skor dip. A few nights after the workshop—during a full moon—I crawled into bed long after the Serb had fallen asleep and decided to put my learning to the test.

The house was silent as I focused on my breathing to clear my mind and invited the angels to connect with me.  A gentle current—similar to pins and needles, but more ticklish than uncomfortable—ran up my arms and down my legs, but I couldn’t be sure if it was me or something more mystical at work. I decided to go to the source.

Umm… angels? Are you there?

The tingly sensation intensified and moved to my elbows, then to my shins.

Wow…hi, angels…thanks for stopping by!

My foot began twitching, although I was still wide awake. The prickly feeling settled in my shoulders. It was an interesting and unfamiliar feeling, but I suspected it was still something I was controlling.

Okay, angels—I need a definitive sign of your presence, please.

It was at that exact moment my bathroom light turned on.

Holy sh*t! Was that you, angels?

A surge of energy rolled over me.

Uh, that’s cool. Thanks for clarifying. That will be all for now. See you later…bye…

It was definitely one of the weirder things I’ve had happen to me, and that’s saying something (as readers of my blog know). I found the switch for the smaller light above our shower in the “on” position. The Serb had mentioned weeks before that the bulb needed to be changed.** The switch hadn’t been flicked up by some astral force, but the entire experience was freaky nonetheless.

After enjoying one of the deepest and most restful sleeps since having babies, I wondered if the entire episode had been a dream. A couple of weeks later, I decided to try again as I fell asleep. I asked again for a sign that this angel stuff was really working.

My bathroom light turned on. Again.

spacer

The woo woo at work.

*For all you pervs, Woo Woo Headquarters is not located in my bedroom…that’s Woo Hoo Headquarters.

**Tangent: Is it a husband thing to have an aversion to changing light bulbs? Like toilet paper rolls that require months of nagging and threat of a court order before they’re changed? Or is it a cultural thing, like my husband claims? His explanations are suspect at best.

spacer

Share:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Digg
  • Print
Posted in Kinda weird, Woo woo, Yikes | Tagged angel therapy, crystals, ghost stories, humor blog, humorous blog, integrated energy therapy, meditation, mom blog, mommy blog, Motherhood, parenting blog, skor dip, stuff funny mom blogger, woo woo | spacer 8 Comments

If I’m Not Barefoot, It’s Not Exercise

spacer Published July 18, 2012 | By Lori Dyan

While it’s true that my new job has many perks (did I mention the spa retreat in cottage country next month?), it’s not all rainbows and kitty cats. Aside from the whole working part of it, I’m also finding that the activities like grocery shopping that I once took for granted must now be squeezed into miniscule compartments of time while my kids clamber for my undivided attention.

The biggest hit has been to my exercise. Before starting my job, I was a regular at my kick-ass yoga studio’s sunrise yoga class (Hi Melissa! I miss you!) and downward dogging had become a daily obsession routine. I’ve tried practicing at home before work, but escaping to the land of Zen is difficult with a four-year-old trying to ride me like a horse. Sometimes I drag myself to a class after the kids are in bed, but I’m not in the habit of getting hot and sweaty after eight o’clock unless the Serb buys me a nice meal first.

Then I found Insanity, in every sense of the word. A couple of friends lost their post-baby weight with Insanity, a series of half-hour cross-fit DVD workouts. It’s an eight-week program that progressively intensifies, but I decided to start with the recovery week DVD that focused on core and balance—it sounded vaguely yoga-like and I figured I’d have a fighting chance.

Within minutes I was drenched in sweat as I lumbered through squats, lunges and push-ups. It was eerily similar to the boot camp I’d attempted last winter; that debacle had left me unable to rise from the toilet unassisted for a week thanks to my shredded quadriceps. When I saw the uber-fit twenty-somethings dripping from their efforts, I knew I was in trouble.

I rallied myself with the reminder that I’d birthed two babies, completed a triathlon and endured a 10-month ear infection. Surely I could make it through twenty-seven more minutes of sit-ups. I persevered and finished the workout. And three days later—when I could once again stand up from the toilet without assistance—I bought a six-month membership at the yoga studio.

I’ve determined that I like my exercise like I do my lovin’: sweaty, challenging and yielding positive results, but with minimal chance of me dying during the act.


Insanity Sample Workouts by simright

spacer

Share:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Digg
  • Print
Posted in Kinda weird, Life and other stuff | Tagged funny mom blogger, humor blog, humorous blog, insanity exercise, mom blog, mommy blog, Motherhood, parenting blog, yoga | spacer 5 Comments

Daddy’s Daycare of Doom

spacer Published July 13, 2012 | By Lori Dyan

This has been a dreamy summer for my kids—Fun Daddy has been working from home and taking generous breaks to hit the parks and pools every day, while Get-Shit-Done Mommy slogs it out in a Dilbert Cubicle with busted air conditioning. Every day has been a new adventure followed by homemade slushies and water fights in the backyard. The neighbourhood kids even started hanging around our house to get in on the fun. But last week the Serb hit a couple of speed bumps on his road to parental sainthood, and their names are Pootch and Matsie.

It began on Wednesday with a phone call from home informing me that my four-year-old daughter had stuck tweezers in an electrical outlet. He was wondering if a trip to the ER was required and I assured him that she was fine (kids stick things in outlets every day and learn the lesson to not stick things in outlets, am I right?).

I mentioned the mishap to a few co-workers and got the side eye when I answered that no, the Serb wasn’t rushing our kid to the hospital, and no, I didn’t realize a child’s heart could stop as a result of an electric shock. A quick Google search (“my child stuck tweezers in an outlet”) confirmed that over 700,000 people had dealt with this issue and most of them had sought immediate medical attention.

I called the Serb to find him already at a walk-in clinic, where the doctor told him we were lucky our daughter hadn’t been knocked unconscious, or worse. When I arrived home I saw the charred tweezers:

spacer

Hello, bushy eyebrows.

As well as the exit burn on my daughter’s hand:

spacer

Ouch.

I finally understood how lucky we were (as did my daughter, who kept telling me through her tears that, “I’m sawree and I learned a big lesson ‘bout ‘lectricity…sniff…don’t do it…”).

The next day I returned to work and my colleagues were eager to hear how my daughter was doing. Before I could relay the good news, I received a barrage of texts from the Serb:

spacer

The top picture is my nine-year-old son holding a mother-f***ing snake(!)

For some reason, the snake freaked me out far more than the electricity. I called my husband, squawking about ERs and venom sucking, only to be told that my son had laughed it off (apparently there was a cute fourth-grader nearby) and was already over it.

I try not to be (too) superstitious but can’t help wondering if sending them off to go camping today, Friday the 13th, might be pushing everyone’s luck.

spacer

So far, so good.

spacer

Share:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Digg
  • Print
Posted in Motherhood | Tagged babyproofing doesn't work if your kid can program your iphone, camping with kids, funny mom blogger, humor blog, humorous blog, mom blog, mommy blog, Motherhood, parenting blog, snake bite, sticking tweezers in an outlet is more common that you'd think | spacer 11 Comments

Does This Saracasm Make Me Look Fat?

spacer Published July 5, 2012 | By Lori Dyan

Now that I’m working for The Man, I’ve been wondering if  I should look for a permanent job outside the home once this contract gig is over. Let’s recap some highlights from my resume and see how I stack up against the competition:

A detail-oriented communications professional:

spacer

 

Enthusiastic team player:

spacer

 

A dedicated mentor with strong leadership skills:

spacer

 

Proven strategic thinker:

spacer

 

Impressive interpersonal skills:

spacer

 

Established track record for organization and creativity:
 
spacer

 

Passionate about my career:

spacer

spacer

Share:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Digg
  • Print
Posted in Life and other stuff, Yikes | Tagged diary of a work week, funny mom blogger, humor blog, humorous blog, mom blog, mommy blog, Motherhood, parenting blog, work tweets, working mom | spacer 16 Comments

Arrested Development 101

spacer Published June 25, 2012 | By Lori Dyan

The Serb and I pride ourselves in our restraint when it comes to using television as a babysitter. Granted, we may have gone a bit too far with our first-born—sheltering him from television until he was three years old has resulted in him being rendered catatonic in front of any program (i.e. Bass Fishing on Saturday afternoons)—but in general we allow our children responsible screen time in manageable doses. Or so we thought.

What follows is a verbatim transcript from a recent conversation overheard between my nine-year-old son and four-year-old daughter:

Him: Arrested Development is my favourite inappropriate show.

Her: Mine too.

Him: I like Tobias Funke. He’s hilarious and sometimes is coloured blue. And he showers in shorts.

Her: I like the lady with the golden hair.

Him: She’s Lindsay and Tobias is her husband. But they don’t like each other much.

Her: Right.

Him: The grandma-mom is also funny, and she loves al-kwo-haul (ed. note: he means booze)

Her: They all do.

Him: GOB is my favourite. He dances and does magic and thinks he’s really cool. But he’s kind of an idiot.

Her: The golden-haired one is his sister. I like her.

Him: Yes. And Michael and Buster are the other brothers. Michael’s the only normal one.

Her: Buster has no hand.

Him: Yes, and he’s dating a grandma, but not the drinking one.

Her: I’m the one with the golden hair (ed. note: guess who’s seen Rapunzel 26 times?).

Him: Whatever.

Her: You’re George Michael.

Him: Gross! No Way! He loves his cousin, Maeby!

Her: Oh, right.

Him: Daddy can be the grandpa in jail, mommy’s the old lady drinker, I’m GOB and you’re Lindsay.

Her: With the golden hair?

Him: Yep.

Her: Awesome.

Me and the Serb: COME ON!

spacer

Share:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Email
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Digg
  • Print
Posted in Adventures in parenthood, Moments of Awesome | Tagged arrested development, funny mom blogger, GOB, humor blog, humorous blog, mom blog, mommy blog, Motherhood, parenting blog, tobias funke | spacer 7 Comments

Daddy’s Day

spacer Published June 15, 2012 | By Lori Dyan

Every December for the past 13 years the Serb asks me, “When is Christmas?” He’s not joking, nor is he wondering if it falls on a Wednesday. My commie husband needs reminding that Christmas is always on December 25th. I also send him a marital memo each April regarding my upcoming birthday and Mother’s Day in May. And on January 1, 2000 we got hitched, in part to ensure he would never forget our anniversary (or how many years we’ve been married).

My point being, small details like dates aren’t really his thing. Except Father’s Day.

Just like I can find a bathroom in any mall despite my innate lack of direction, the Serb instinctively knows when Father’s Day is coming. I think he enjoys this day even more than his birthday, because it acknowledges more than just being born; Father’s Day celebrates his role as a dad.

And my husband is the dream dad.

Because of my husband, my daughter will grow up knowing that she is capable and worthy. She will recognize what real love is—respectful, joyful, playful—and she will settle for nothing less.

Because of my husband, my son will know that a real man is generous with his time and feelings. That integrity, loyalty and good manners are the epitome of cool. That being true to oneself is the greatest truth.

Because of my husband, I know that I am loved because of my shortcomings. He inspires me to be a better parent, partner and person. And I will always know, and never take for granted, that when it comes to getting lucky in love, I won the lottery.

Happy Father’s Day
Volim te

spacer

spacer
gipoco.com is neither affiliated with the authors of this page nor responsible for its contents. This is a safe-cache copy of the original web site.