Mommy Moment at the Monster – Yuliya Style

A couple of weeks back I told you I was changing the name of Monster Mommy Moments to Mommy Moments at the Monster. I decided to change the name after people kept asking if they had to write about a horrible parenting moment…and that is not the point of MMM at all! All stories can be shared…monster moments, happy moments, funny moments, and on and on.

And that is exactly what today’s guest is doing. Please welcome Yuliya from She Suggests! Yuliya is a mommy, an incredible writer, a photographer, and a friend. She also happens to be funny and upside down. No seriously, have you seen her Twitter avatar?

She also has become a friend, and I am certainly looking forward to drinking wine and partying with her meeting her in real life at BlogHer next month!

So once again welcome Yuliya! If you’re not sure what a Mommy Moment at the Monster is, head over and read all about how Mommy Moments at the Monster came to be.

Go grab a cup of coffee and a donut, ahem, I mean a low-fat muffin, or depending on the time of the day maybe some wine and chocolate, and sit back and enjoy the story!
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When I was originally asked to write about a Monster Mommy Moment back in February, I honestly didn’t have a whole lot to share. I was a perfect mother then.

Around that time my daughter was only one and I had not yet gotten to that breaking point that only eight hundred and fifty one consecutive renditions of Itsy Bitsy Spider will drive you to. Lo and behold a mere five months later I had so many good ideas for a Monster Mommy Moment it was hard to pick just one.

The compostable straw that drove this free range camel’s back came in the form of juggling not one kid but two, as I had (delusionally and under great duress) volunteered to do just this past month. One sixteen month old plus a one-hundred and twenty three month old and we have ourselves several Monster Mommy Moments…

Picture it.

A blistering hot day in June. There I am rollin’ down the street, positively NOT smoking or drinking gin and juice. Because that would be a bad influence on the children. (And because I’m more of a vodka girl. Obviously.)

I crank up the radio, positively NOT because I am attempting to drown out the loud cries of my car-hating toddlby (not a baby, not yet a toddler) but because I am trying to be the “cool mom”.

You know what a cool mom is don’t you? The kind that dresses in something other than yoga pants, allows everyone to have frozen yogurt with not one but TWO “junk food” toppings, has some clue who Bruno Mars is (I didn’t but luckily the kids at the playground schooled me) and plays fun “music” like his in the car.

There I was, rockin out to his latest abomination, I mean hip new musical creation…

“Today I Don’t Feel Like Doing Anything
I Just Wanna Lay In My Bed”

…sing it brother! I can totally relate to that. I started to day dream about how great it would be to take the day off but instead how I am awesome as the cool mom of not one, but two kiddos this week. Both are fed, appropriately dressed, I am totally pulling this off! It was then that I decided to clue in to the lyrics…

“Tomorrow I’ll Wake Up Do Some P90X
Meet A Really Nice Girl Have Some Really Nice Sex
She’s Gonna Scream Out “This Is Great!” (Oh My God! This Is Great!)”

CRAP!!! The toddlby was thankfully clueless, but I had to act quickly because my other charge, the ten year old was giggling furiously. I frantically spun the dial and landed on this gem…

“I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to f****ng leave again
I’mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire”

Excellent.

Now I needed to have a sit down and talk to her about S-E-X and domestic abuse. This is what I get for trying to be cool instead of forcing her to listen to my usual (90’s gangsta rap) oldies.

That was not the only uncomfortable conversation I had to have with her that week.

We talked about manners, body image issues, why she cannot watch another episode of Wizards of Waverly place, why it is that my husband and I lived together before we were married, why it is NOT appropriate to slam the door when you are angry, why it is unacceptable to have a crappy attitude when you are being treated to breakfast and a manicure and are currently a guest in someone else’s home missy! (Deep cleansing breath.)

I realized I would have a lifetime of not-so cool and not-so perfect parenting moments ahead of me. Times where I would expose my own innocent child to the misogyny (yet all too alluring beats) of Eminem’s music, hours of uncomfortable conversations, and scores of parties that will be hastily departed thanks to my future tween’s crappy attitude.

But that’s ok. Because I have a blog and until my kid starts writing her own I can put all the positive spin on my less than stellar parenting behavior that I want. So there! Crank up the Snoop Dogg and call it a day. Peace out peeps.

PS it wasn’t all drama and censorship at my house while my cousin was here, check out this sweet moment between her and my kiddo caught on film…

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Now you see why I love Yuliya if you didn’t already know her.  Thank you for sharing your Mommy Moment at the Monster with us…and for reminding us how awesome gangsta rap is….kidding!! They grow up so fast and I’m dreading those s-e-x talks for sure. Sigh. And uncool parenting? I’m pretty sure I already have that mastered. Sigh.

Now go swing by She Suggests and say hello to Yuliya, and if you’re new there make sure to tell her that I sent you. I know you’ll really enjoy her blog!