Facebook sucks.

Jan
29
2013

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Facebook. Facebook sucks. Facebook is designed to fuck you over. Facebook is not your friend. Please read my embarrassing story of Facebook horror as a warning. Do not let this happen to you. Consider this your friendly cautionary tale.

I was seeing this guy. He mentioned early on that he had an ex wife and I was like, “Fine with me, I’m not looking to turn this into anything where that means something.” I didn’t say that out loud though. I’M JUST BEING BREEZY.

Then I killed the breeziness.

On one fateful night, I’m looking at his Facebook profile, like you do, and I saw a photo of him with his ex. He mentioned that they were on friendly terms so I thought, oh, I wonder what she looks like and if we have any friends in common.

So then I started looking at her Facebook profile. Just out of curiosity. It’s not like I was doing anything weird, I was just scrolling and clicking and thinking, “Hmm, nice hair” and just being breezy.

And then I saw something horrifying. Something awful. Something that you never, ever want to see on the Facebook profile of someone whose Facebook profile you don’t want anyone to know you’re looking at.

“Friend request sent.”

Yes. Somehow, without realizing it and without doing it on purpose, I clicked “add friend.”

This was my exact facial expression:

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This is a still from the scene in “Rosemary’s Baby” where Rosemary sees her baby for the first time and realizes that it isn’t a human baby, but actually the devil’s baby. Our reaction was exactly the same, down to the hand clasped over the mouth.

Then I screamed. My brother ran in the room and said, “What happened?” I said, “I accidentally added this dude’s ex wife on Facebook.” He said, “That’s not bad.” Then paused and said, “Nah…that’s pretty bad.”

I immediately clicked “unrequest” but I have no idea when I clicked “request” to begin with, so I don’t know if she already saw my request.

I have a theory on how this happened: I think I wanted to see what friends we had in common, and the “friends” box is right above the line that says “Do you know blahbah? If so, send blahblah a friend request” and I must have accidentally clicked “request friend” instead of clicking on friends. Fuck you, Facebook. That’s fucking evil. That’s horrible placement.

So I’m sitting there freaking out. Because now I look like what every 20 something woman of my generation looks like that we want to avoid at all costs: a crazy fucking digital stalker. There was nothing I could do. I could tell him before she told him, but what if she doesn’t see it or what if she saw it but doesn’t tell him? Then I’m volunteering my craziness.

Assuming she saw it, I ran through all of the scenarios.

She saw it.

She saw it, and didn’t care.

She saw it, cared, and clicked on my profile.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, and saw that we have her ex in common.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, and told her ex.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, told her ex, and he was horrified.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, told her ex, he was horrified, and they killed my family.

But who would do that, right? I’m safe, right? Right?? Right.

A few days later, the guy comes over. We’re just talking about his cat and then, without missing a beat, he says, “My ex wife told me that you added her and unadded her on Facebook.”

This was my exact facial expression:

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This is a still from “The Shining” when Jack Nicholson goes crazy and comes after Shelley Duvall with an ax.

This was my exact reaction before I immediately hid my face and did a sort of screechy/laughing/groaning thing while shouting, “Let me explain” and “Oh my God” in a failed attempt to be playful and cute and in an even BIGGER failed attempt to be breezy. I didn’t even TRY to be breezy. I’m just trying to imagine what I must seem to him like now. He must think I’m fucking insane. But it was an honest mistake on my part.

Please, everyone. Learn from my mistakes. Don’t do what I did, or didn’t do. Even though it’s HILARIOUS.

One thing though. I am not posting this piece of writing anywhere on my Facebook page, or my blog’s Facebook page, or on my Twitter. So if either of them see this, that means they willingly read my blog, and that’s all on them. Who’s crazy now, huh????? HUH?? BOOM! Not me. Not me at all. No way, dudes. Not me, I’m BREEEEZZZZYYYYY!

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78 Replies

Posted in: dating, facebook, No I will never stop complaining about Facebook so get off my plane, roman polanski

78 thoughts on “Facebook sucks.

  1. spacer Diana

    Screaming in horror/laughing in an empathetic manner if such a laughing manner even exists.

    Reply
    1. spacer Almie Rose Post author

      I believe that it does. Thank you. I like yer tumblr.

      Reply
  2. spacer Cherie

    Actually one of my biggest fears. I feel for you so hard in this situation.

    Reply
  3. spacer katrina

    omg this post is amazing. i’m so sorry it actually happened to you in real life. bahahahhaaaaa f u facebook!!

    Reply
  4. spacer Claire

    I just shared this on Facebook.

    Reply
    1. spacer Almie Rose Post author

      The circle of life.

      Reply
    2. spacer AZZMAD

      what a bitch lol

      Reply
  5. spacer ameena

    some of my biggest fears in life relate to facebook:

    1. accidentally posting a status update with the person’s name i thought i was typing in to the search bar

    2. accidentally liking something on someone’s page when i’m stalking them.

    i can’t facebook from my phone for these reasons.

    Reply
    1. spacer Almie Rose Post author

      “1. accidentally posting a status update with the person’s name i thought i was typing in to the search bar”

      I did that one years ago. Looking up a guy, I accidentally posted his full name in the status box. I thought the best way to cover this up would then be to post my friend’s full name in the status box. I quickly realized that was stupid and deleted both.

      Reply
      1. spacer joanna

        haha! the idea of posting the other person’s name in status is ridiculously funny. kind of logical, too 😉

        I added lots of weird people accidentally on my phone (I just like checking people out. In real life, too…). I really hope I unadded them all.

        Reply
  6. spacer mandy

    omg this is seriously one of my biggest fears, along with accidentally typing someone’s name in the status box. i just want to get rid of facebook, but i think you have to have an account to easily stalk people and i am not letting that privilege go.

    Reply
  7. spacer Adria

    I once did something like this. Except the chick knew who I was, we had a “current” in common and we KNEW about it and I was stalking her Twitter and I accidentally favorited one of her tweets. Yup. Immediate email sent. I feel you on this, Almie, I feel you.

    Reply
  8. spacer Mich

    OMG thats hilarious and horrifying at the same time.

    Reply
  9. spacer Simone

    THIS IS ONE OF MY WORST NIGHTMARES.

    Oh & also kind of hilarious. Especially the photos.

    Reply
  10. spacer Mark

    Oh Miss. Rose, if Jane A., Bill S., and Nora E. were alive today, they would have to cede the palm to you when it comes to honestly and wittily charting the comedies of errors in which we ensnare ourselves in the pursuit of our obscure objects of desire. Funny as hell (or Rosemary’s baby shower).

    Reply
    1. spacer Almie Rose Post author

      Well thank you, what a lovely comment. I can’t figure out who Bill S. is though. May I have a hint?

      Reply
      1. spacer Mark

        Comedy of Errors should be the giveaway….

        Reply