First Principles

Woo Hoo!  It’s Madness Time on the hard court once again, ladies and gentlemen!  It’s a time I’ve always looked forward to, even as a casual sports fan most of the year, for reasons that totally had nothing to do with finals being over.  And indeed, as our politics have gotten stupider, the need for escape becomes that much greater.  Here at First Principles, I’ve always tried to offer a perspective that you won’t get anywhere else, and that commitment to Uniquiosity™ isn’t limited just to politics.   Anyone can watch games, crunch statistics, know which players match up well against who.  You can look at seeds, win-loss records, RPI, distance from home, etc., and everyone does.  But no one – no one! – seems to account for what might be the most important stat of all:  The Relative Badassity of the Team Mascot, as defined by Myself.

Click on this picture for hilarious real mascot fights.

“Badassity” is a function of many things – “Who Would Win In a Fight” is a major determiner, but that alone isn’t always enough.  Mascots lose points for lack of originality (I’m talking to you, 8 Million Wildcat Teams).  History of the team nickname matters, as well as how it’s used today.  Logo design can be key – what do do when you have multiple Bulldogs?  Acknowledging Badassity doesn’t necessarily constitute endorsement – the Forces of Darkness tend to do well in this bracket.  And I try to look to the past when in doubt in close contests, following the rule of stare decisis when possible.  You can check out 2008, 2009, 2011, and 2012 just for reference (2010 was purged from the record books after an NCAA rules violations investigation that I’m contractually prohibited from discussing).  And of course, the results are totally and completely guaranteed*!

*If you believe this, please join my pool.

So, defend your own school’s mascot if you can, and let’s get on with the Dance!

The First Four – Play-In Round

The (16) Liberty Flames over the (16) North Carolina A&T Aggies

This first matchup is an odd combination of overused mascots tossed together in a stew of medium grade Badassity, but with some real hidden potential in each.  Aggies, of course, refers to the “Agricultural” mission of their school, and while I love farmers almost as much as Paul Harvey, there’s a limit to how badass they are in a combat role.  NC A&T isn’t the first to try to augment this by making their Aggie a tough looking animal, but they lost a lot of points when they went with the OH-so-generic Bulldog.

Birds of prey are also way overused, but I’m intrigued by the fact that this one appears to be in frickin’ fire.  And let’s be honest here – this is a right wing blog, and we love the idea of Liberty and America delivered to you like a meteor reminding those Ruskies who’s still in charge.  The yellow dog clearly lifts a lot of weights, but can’t compete in badassity with the burning torch of freedom.

The (11) Middle Tennessee Raiders over the (11) St. Mary’s Gaels

When you have to ask, “Soooooo…. Just what IS your mascot, anyway?”, then you probably aren’t looking good in the Badassiest Bracket.  Sic Semper St. Mary’s, the poor souls.

You have to give them credit for safety, though – if the guy in that costume falls or bumps into something, his air bags come pre-deployed…

But, we strive to do our research here, and a “Gael” is simply one who speaks some kind of Gaelic tongue.  If St. Mary’s would have been smart, they would have gotten all Braveheart with this concept, but instead they tried to go another direction in that time period and did this.  That’s right.  It’s an inflatable knight in inflatable armor or something, holding its belly like it just ate something it shouldn’t.

Now compare that to an angry Pegasus shooting lighting out of its nose, and you either fell asleep watching My Little Pony while drinking something you shouldn’t have, or you’re up against a very badass mascot.    Sorry St. Mary’s, but this is definitely not your year.

The (16) Long Island University (Brooklyn) Blackbirds over the (16) James Madison Dukes

I like the Blackbird – they’re insanely smart animals (tool using, even), and it’s far more creative than the ubiquitous birds of prey that every other school seems to default into.  They’re small, but clever and with a hint of the Underworld to them.  They definitely punch above their badass weight.

There are always a lot of Bulldogs in this tournament, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen one where so many of them are sneaking in under other names.

This one, though, might be the most ridiculous.  I was hoping that there was a better story behind this, but James Madison calls themselves the “Dukes” after their second president who himself just happened to have the name instead of earning it with money, royal blood, or some other feat of badassity.  They picked the dog in the 70s – the decadal font of All Bad Things.  And then in the 80s they dressed him up like some weird proto rap star, but in a way that would make Huggy Bear blush.  The total package winds up just being absurd.  It’s a shame, too – I expect better from a school named after a founding father.

But if you still have any lingering doubt, check out this video of the “Duke Dog” starting a fight he couldn’t finish.  With a chicken.

The (13) Boise State Broncos over the (13) LaSalle University Explorers

I originally had this one going the other way.  A charging Bronco is definitely Badass – I’m wary enough of them when they’re just tromping around my neighborhood and jumping in front of my car in the dark – but imagine him bearing down on you, staring you down without any pupils!  Still, the idea of an intrepid explorer in the wilds of the New World Lewis/Clark style like Sieur de La Salle was intriguing to me.

Too bad that isn’t even the guy the University is named after.  That would be Jean Baptiste de La Salle, educator to the needy.  Now I’m not saying educating the impoverished isn’t a noble goal, but it’s hard to call it “badass” exactly.

But some sports writer make a mistake back in the day, and the school just rolled along with it, desperately hoping for some cred in a time when the badassity of their mascot could make all the difference.  It’s all based on a lie, and that cannot be rewarded.

But enough play-ins – let’s see that full dance floor!

Midwest

The (16) Liberty Flames over the (1) Louisville Cardinals

It’s always nice when you get a nice apples-to-apples comparison.  Two birds.  Both red.  Now, one is a songbird, and the other a symbol of strength and freedom worldwide.  One has teeth (?!?), and the other has a hooked beak designed to rip flesh.  One has a little scowl, the other is burning with hate for Commies.  One is red because of its feathers, the other is red because its plumage is made of flames.

Hey, what can you say?  Just because you’re the overall 1 Seed doesn’t mean you can forget to pay attention the essentials.

The (9) Missouri Tigers over the (8) Colorado State Rams

Let’s be honest – neither of these guys looks particularly fired up.  It’s like the Battle of the Meh.  Both of them should be far more badass than they present here, but they’re kind of phoning it in.  As a Nevadan, I wish I could see something that resembles a bighorn sheep – pretty badass as far as ungulates go – and give them a pass against the tired and generic tiger.  Alas, as cool as those horns could be, the weight, claws, teeth, and cunning of this largest of cats is a recipe for mutton stew at the end of this game.

The (5) Oklahoma State Cowboys over the (12) Oregon Ducks

You have to give Oregon some credit – in the past, they’ve done some cool stuff to try to amp up the badassity of their sad little water fowl.  I loved the tire tracks Pacific Northwest Native tribe stylization of the duck wings on their football uniforms.  But in the end, there’s just too much money coming from Disney.  Donald himself can’t even outbadass a mouse with a rather off-putting falsetto, and he doesn’t stand a chance against this crusty cowboy, for all the tantrum skills he brings.

I have to love this cowboy, too, especially next to Donald in full rage mode.  It reminds me of that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indy just shoots the crazy dude with the sword.

The (4) St. Louis Billikins over the (13) New Mexico State Aggies

Here’s another Agricultural student, but at least this one brought a gun, and has a sweet mustache.  I guess everyone back then grew a few crops on the side, so you could make him do pretty much whatever you wanted.  It’s a safe choice, but a solid one.  It should be able to handle…  OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING WINKING AT MY SOUL!?!?!?!?

The Billikins made it to the Tournament last year, and I was perhaps too quick to dismiss them.  Or maybe that shapeless horror just took awhile to associate itself with the hellscapes of my nightmares.  Here’s how it started:

A national magazine for college-bound students recently tapped it as one of the “coolest” campus mascots in the country. But just what is a Billiken anyway? […]

It’s also known that the Billiken was manufactured in the early 1900s as a bank and statuette and was the national rage for about six months — kind of that period’s pet rock. During this time, the Billiken was turned into all sorts of things: dolls, marshmallow candies, metal banks, hatpins, pickle forks, belt buckles, auto hood ornaments, salt and pepper shakers and glass bottles.

Sure, that sounds harmless, if a bit insane.  But now?  <shudder>  I feel like that Aggie’s bullets will just be absorbed, winked to death in some alternate dimension where all hope and joy have been banished from my heart.  But hey – there’s an alternate Aggie logo with a lasso, which is more creatively badass than just a gun.  And maybe that creepy winking picture is just a boogie man trying to cover up a run-of-the-mill costume.  Let’s try it again:

GAHHHH!!! WHAT IS IT POINTING AT?!?! THE ROPE DOES NOTHING! MY EYES ARE ON FIRE! AIEEEEEEEEE!

The (11) Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders over the (6) Memphis Tigers

Hey look!  Another tiger superimposed over another “M”!  How original and totally badass!  It can TOTALLY compete with a winged horse who started life by flying out of his mother Medusa’s severed head!

Yes – that’s Middle Tennessee’s mascot leaping free from the freshly severed neck of a Gorgon. And some other messed up stuff. There can be a price to pay for too much badassity, like sanity.

The (3) Michigan State Spartans over the (14) Valpraiso Crusaders

These would seem pretty evenly matched, right down to the plume on their helmets.  But it’s hard to pin down just who should represent the Crusaders in historical context.  Volunteers from all over medieval Europe?  The Knights Templar?  Sean Connery and Harrison Ford?

Pound for pound, it’s hard to match the concentrated badassity of a city-state whose entire culture revolved around them making war.  And their historical record against Middle Eastern armies is far superior.  This is a pretty easy call once you look under their respective helmets.

The (10) Cincinnati Bearcats over the (7) Creighton Bluejays

Seriously, Creighton?  Seriously?

Not even the porn ‘stache on this weird hybrid reject from Dr. Moreau can bring Cincinnati down to THIS level.  The Blue Jay is weak even for a weak songbird – at least Louisville’s cardinal bothered to bare his teeth.

The (2) Duke Blue Devils over the (15) Albany Great Danes

You have to feel for Albany here – Satan practically invented badassity.  But they didn’t do themselves any favors with this particular mascot – why does he look like he’s wearing a hood and welding goggles?  It’s too bad, too, because any dog you could saddle up for a hobbit has some serious badass potential.  Instead, though, it seems they went with the cartoon canine who showed up to his audition too coked up to get the part in Scooby-Doo.

West

The (1) Gonzaga Bulldogs over the (16) Southern University Jaguars

There are way too many bulldogs in this tournament every year, greatly lessening the badassity factor for all of them.  But you have to give the Zags credit for having the best one, and I swear I’m not just saying that because The Wife went there and I have to.  It’s full of attacky rage, it doesn’t wear a stupid hat, it’s not a weird color, and they avoided the temptation of having a tongue lolling out of its head.  It looks mean, dangerous, and focused.

This cat, on the other hand…  I can’t tell if it’s laughing or scared or just what – thoroughly unimpressive.

The (8) Pittsburgh Panthers over the (9) Wichita State Shockers

This one breaks my heart a little.  The Shockers originally got their name because farmers would cut wheat and bundle it into “shocks”.  If we lived in more innocent times, there wouldn’t even be a discussion here.  But we don’t, and the chutzpah that it takes to embrace and own the obscene gesture your school’s nickname has become is commendable.

This is a screen grab from their official website. The one parents look at before deciding who to write a tuition check to.

But as plucky as that all is, they’re facing an opponent who also decided to up the badassity of an otherwise relatively weak mascot.  Look at that thing – it’s terrifying.  It looks like 300 pounds of pure muscle, unburdened by compassion or a soul, ready to tear through anything in its path or die trying.

The (5) Wisconsin Badgers over the (12) Ole Miss Rebels

As a Minnesota alum, I’m contractually obligated to despise seeing Wisconsin win anything anywhere.  I have to admit, they have some serious pound for pound badassity potential.  Badgers are tough, ornery little critters (made more badass in popular culture by their association with YouTube sensation Honey Badger), but then they put that lame sweater on him, overplay said YouTube clip, and force him to be from Wisconsin, taking it way back down the Ladder of Badassity.

Fortunately for the cheeseheads, he’s up against the lamest looking bear to ever cheer on a sports team.  This bear looks like a dorky tourist dad that would make Clark Griswold shake his head in judgment and shame.

Ole Miss’ mascot is pretty new.  It used to be this guy, Colonel Reb, until they finally decided celebrating a guy who for in favor of slavery probably ought to be toned down a bit.  There was a campus-wide campaign and vote to select a replacement, and here’s where Ole Miss really dropped the ball.  Apparently there was a big push to take the “Rebel” name in a completely new direction, and name him after Star Wars Rebel Alliance hero Admiral Ackbar.

We can’t repel Badassity of that magnitude!

Alas, they went with the least offensive thing they could find, throwing all badassity out with the “peculiar” bathwater, leaving the Badgers to win by default.

The (13) Boise State Broncos over the (4) Kansas State Wildcats

Wildcat mascots are lame and boring, and Kansas State found a way to hit the bottom and keep digging with that boring logo.  There’s simply no contest here.

The (11) Belmont Bruins over the (6) Arizona Wilcats

Wildcats…  How utterly original!

In the ordinary course, pretty much any bear would beat pretty much any small cat, wild or otherwise.  But this matchup is particularly lopsided with the Belmont Bruin bringing an extra bear-sized helping of Crazy Eyes.

The (3) New Mexico Lobos over the (14) Harvard Crimson

You’d think people as smart as Harvard grads are expected to be would understand that a color alone is virtually incapable of being badass.  How do you represent it?  It just… is.  If any color could be badass, it would be some shade of red – the color of blood, demon eyes, fire, and the Republican Party.  But sitting all by itself without further context just does nothing.  Wolves are pretty badass on their own, but even a lowly Gopher could beat a mere color.

But hey – wait!  I understand Harvard has an on-field mascot they use to supplement their otherwise formless nickname!

Oh, Harvard.  Stop.  Just stop.

The (10) Iowa State Cyclones over the (7) Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Notre Dame is pretty middle of the road when it comes to badassity.  On the one hand, you have to love a torqued off leprechaun wanting to just fight everything it sees.  On the other hand, he’s probably suffering from Napoleon Complex, and that’s just sad. And then, of course, there’s their indifference to negative racial/cultural stereotypes, which could be a plus or minus depending on how important it is to you to stick it to The PC Man.  It’s a safe, conservative choice, albeit with a little baggage.

Iowa State, though, is a study in contrasts.  On the one hand, you have one of the most fearsome, unpredictable, and destructive forces of nature on the surface of our planet.  And then sitting on top you have a… songbird?

Well, at least it looks like he’s been hitting the gym.

Still, in this case I must defer to their actual name, and give it to the killer weather.  Coming from a land of soggy, dreary weather, that angry little Irishman just won’t know what hit him when he finds weather getting its badass on.

The (15) Iona Gaels over the (2) Ohio State Buckeyes

In this battle of the, “What the hell is your Mascot?” teams, Iona is the obvious winner.  There may be no weaker, lamer, less badass mascot than Nut Head over there.  Anyone or anything can beat it easily – even a weird red leprechaun with the wrong color suit and suffering from jaundice.  At least he’s got a stick to swing around at his opponents, tree nuts and otherwise.

East

The (16) LIU (Brooklyn) Blackbirds over the (1) Indiana Hoosiers

Blackbirds are creative, smart, and punch above their basass weight, but ordinarily they’d still be pretty vulnerable.  But Indiana just has… nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  No one even knows what “Hoosier” actually means or where the word comes from, and the best consensus out there is that it’s a midwestern version of a redneck bumpkin.

Indiana really ought to change – plenty of teams have done it (although they’ve usually gone backwards).  Until they do, they’re going to keep losing, and there’s only one thing that can save them in the future!