The Fixer-Upper Marriage (a Guest Post) ~ #LifeUnmasked
Today’s Life:Unmasked is a guest post from Tanya. I met her what seems like a lifetime ago, before either of us were married. When we reconnected through Facebook and learned each other’s stories… well, it’s hard to describe the bond between people who have walked the dark places. While our stories are very different, the struggle, the questions, and the transformation are very much alike. I think you’ll appreciate what she has to say.
The Fixer-Upper Marriage
I had a unique opportunity the other day to see current pictures of the first home that my husband and I lived in – 15 years ago. (Talk about a throw back in time!) It is vacant, has just been renovated, and looks fantastic!
The contrast between that home’s condition “then” and “now” was stunning. It took me a little while to move past the first picture. And as I envied gazed at the newly-refinished hardwoods, chocolate-glazed kitchen cabinets, and a fresh coat of paint, I thought, “That’s nicer than where we live now!” We’ve regressed. What’s wrong with this picture? (I know, such a thankful spirit, huh?)
The reality? The materials now featured in that home are nicer than that of our current home. And materials aside, there was no denying how foreign it appeared clean it was. No clutter. No marks on the hardwoods. No scuffs on the paint. Did I mention no clutter??
And since this happened so nostalgically just days before our 15th wedding anniversary, I couldn’t help but take a retrospective look at the couple that occupied those two homes.
Same people. Two very different points in time.
In the one home, a young (sigh) newlywed couple with pretty much all of life ahead of them. And in the other home, a couple who has struggled walked through 15 years of life together. And you know what I concluded? The way those two homes look: Pretty much the same as the marriage.
Because since we’ve been married, we’ve certainly had seasons that have looked much like the newly-renovated house. Incredibly bright days of joy that energized like rays of the sun. Times beautifully painted with vivid colors of laughter. Memories woven together in rich fabric of personal and relational growth.
But we’ve also had times when the leaves have changed their colors, and we’ve found our home in the middle of harsh, cold winters. Times when the supporting beams of life seemed to be collapsing around us. Crises that left us in survival mode – long term.
Times that changed us. And the way we look at the world.
And if our collective walls could speak, they would also attest to the interior realities:
Scuffs of impatience.
Stains of selfish choices.
Dings of disappointment.
Cracks from responses lacking grace.
The constant clutter of my expectations.
Original structure unchanged. But the risk of damage clearly revealed.
Vulnerabilities relentlessly exposed.
The newlywed home looks altogether appealing and intact. But this marriage home often looks worn.
And then I remember. That home is vacant.
It is only spotless because nobody lives there yet.
So yes, our marriage often looks weathered, messy, and needing repairs. But those marks are evidence of our humanity. Evidence of life.
Every scuff testifies to a life lived – together.
Every crack a reminder that we desperately need God
to pull the whole thing off.
So has our marriage been a romantic bed of roses? Nope, it hasn’t.
It’s been better.
It’s been a construction site for our hearts.
A journey of surrendering our wants for God’s best.
A place where we are reminded that God is more interested in our holiness, than our happiness.
Sacred ground where we abide, grow, protect, trust, hope, and persevere.
And I am honored to live out this truth in marriage with my husband – stains, leaks, storms, & all.
Tanya blogs at Truth in Weakness. Her bio: I am on a journey of embracing my weaknesses, because I have found that the more vulnerable I feel, the more God’s radiant power shines through. And while that single sentence sounds very simple, recognizing my humanity is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But as others have been open with me about their struggles, and the aches in their souls, it has given me “permission” to be human, too — which ironically, is incredibly empowering! And so I want to give you the gift of sharing my struggles, my pain. Not for your sympathy, but as a loving reminder that you don’t have to have it all together, either.
It’s time for Life:Unmasked!
On Wednesdays we gather to share our imperfect, masks-down stories from the week. We are real people with real struggles who recognize how encouraging it is to discover that someone else has clutter all over their kitchen counters, piles laundry baskets in the master bedroom when company comes over, and bounces checks now and then. These posts are an effort to climb off the perfection pedestal, get into the muck of life, wrap an arm around each other’s shoulders, and support one another through the hard work of living.
Have a post, video, or photo to share? Link it here! (Please use the direct link to your post, not a general link to your site). Then please visit at least 2 other posts linked up as well, and leave a comment to encourage your fellow life:unmaskers.
Marriage Letters: Opposites Attract
Dear Scott,
Some days, as we move through life together, that old song by Paula Abdul runs through my head. You know the one: “We come together ‘cuz opposites attract.”
If you ask someone for one word to describe you, they almost always respond “steady.” Ask someone about me and if we’re lucky, they’ll come up with something half-way positive like “outspoken” or “passionate” (which is a euphamism for something less nice, I’m sure).
We live so differently. You like flat surfaces to be clear of paraphernalia. I like things to be within easy reach at all times, especially when I use it often. I stack my stuff in nice neat piles all over flat surfaces (or not so neat piles, but whatever.)
You like to put money into savings. I like to get rid of debt. (Turns out that you win this one – to keep debt at bay, you have to have savings.)
You think about and do just one thing at a time. It has taken you years to get used to my penchant for combining tasks, trips, and visits. I think, “We’re driving past a friend on the way to Someplace Else? Let’s stop and see them!” while you’re thinking, “Can’t we just get there?”
You don’t seek out change, preferring to sit back and wait for things to happen and you’re adept at finding what’s good about the present. I see how things could be better and have grand idealistic visions for the future. You think incrementally – what’s doable today? I think big. Changing the world gets me fired up, and I’m either chomping at the bit or wearing myself out pushing, shoving, nipping at heels, or posting provocative things on Facebook.
You can sleep in any position, anywhere, and through anything: screaming babies, puking toddlers, terrified sleep-walkers, and alarm clocks. I don’t sleep through anything. It was a great day when I finally convinced you to move your alarm clock across the room – it ended the torture of hearing you snooze your alarm for 45 minutes.
I came out of the womb loving books, while you’ve had to learn to love reading. You’ve taught me about 80s pop culture and pratfalls, and I’ve introduced you to classics like The Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia.
I throw the windows open whenever I can stand it, loving a fresh breeze blowing through the house and natural cooling. You prefer everything tightly closed and your climate to remain artificially controlled at all times.
I take things too seriously and too personally. You find the joke in the unexpected, or you make one up. I’m sure you’re prolonging your life (which is a good thing). I love how you keep me laughing. I need that.
We're really good at serving birthday cake. (His t-shirt says "I put ketchup on my ketchup." It's perfect.)
These sorts of differences can drive a couple crazy and split them apart. We’ve chosen to make our idiosyncrasies into glue. We celebrate our differences because they keep us balanced. We need each other to stay out of trouble and avoid our personal extremes, and we know that. It shouldn’t work, but it does. We make a great team, you and me.
This week Seth, Amber, Scott, and I decided to write on the prompt “opposites attract.” Don’t miss their letters (Scott’s made me laugh so hard I cried)! Want to write a letter to your spouse this week? Post it any time in the next week and then link up on Amber’s blog.
Do you have a suggestion for a writing prompt for these letters? Leave it in the comments!
Saturday Evening Blog Post ~ Best of January 2012
It’s the first Saturday of the month, which means it’s time for the Saturday Evening Blog Post hosted by Elizabeth Esther. We link up our favorite, most popular, most controversial, or most whatever post (your choice!) and then visit a few new bloggers to see their most whatever post for the previous month, too.
In January, I wrote “Gratitude Lists and What to Do with Pain,” reflecting on the tendency I see in Christendom to call bad things good and claim to know exactly why God allows those bad things. After several years of relentless, almost frantic striving to find answers to my Why questions, I’m finally able to rest, to mourn the bad, and call it what it is. Gratitude lists are a help, but neither are they a miracle cure.
My husband and I also joined a new Monday series begun by Seth and Amber Haines called “Marriage Letters.” We’re writing to each other and sharing those letters with all of you in hopes that sharing the struggle and joys of marriage will encourage each of you to fight the good fight for your relationships. I couldn’t pick one favorite, though! We wrote about “secret fantasies…. for the future,” our nightly rituals, and then a plain ol’ ordinary love letter. This coming Monday, we’re writing on “opposites attract” and we’d love for you to join in!
What was your favorite, most popular, most controversial, or most whatever post for January? Link up with Elizabeth and share!