4 Days to a Forever Marriage is about using a simple, easy choice that can transform your marriage into the lasting, loving connection you want it to be. 

The choice is:  Love or anger.

Is your marriage all that you hoped it would be? Are you struggling right now just to hold on?  Maybe you are thriving in your marriage?  Wherever you find yourself today in your relationship with your spouse this book is for YOU!  I am thrilled to have this opportunity to be able to interview Gary Smalley.  Gary and his wife Norma have been married for 40+ years and they have great insights and advice.  Read my interview below, and then check out our Valentines Day Special!

Q: Gary, as you know, many books have been written about marriage.  What makes this book unique?

A: Norma and I really wanted to put together a fun, easy to read marriage book that was filled with the best relationship advice. What I really love about 4 Days to a Forever Marriage is that it has something for every marriage. Whether a newlywed or remarried or an empty-nester the reader will find this book has very practical content that is applicable to whatever life stage they’re in.

The other unique aspect and a question I’ve received a lot is … why 4 Days? Over the last two years I’ve been doing a lot of research on what it takes to really sustain change in a person’s life. During my research I came upon Dr. Caroline Leaf who is one of the top neuroscientists in the world and she wrote a best-selling book called, Who Switched Off My Brain. She shares how a person can begin to see major changes in behavior in as little as four days. But, the changes come faster with the increase in emotion and commitment. For a couple that may be struggling in their relationship or a spouse who just wants to become a better husband or wife, if they’ll commit to the 4 Days principles outlined in the book they will see a significant increase in their marital satisfaction. 

A: First, anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary feeling. It arises out of fear, frustration, hurt, or some combination of these three. Frustration is not receiving what we had expected from other people or from circumstances. Hurt is when we don’t hear the words or receive the action we expected from other people or from circumstances. Fear is either dreading that what we expect will not come as we wish it to or expecting something bad is going to happen. An example would be if our spouse says something harsh to us we first feel hurt and then anger. As you can imagine marriage sets up those two emotions to happen pretty easily. That is why it is so important to know how to recognize the symptoms and how to resolve anger in your own life.

A: I really encourage marriages that are struggling to look at attending a marriage intensive. I’ve been a part of them and I’m amazed at the work they are doing. The research has shown couples that have gone through a marriage intensive have a 85% success rate in restoring their marriages. For more information I encourage couples to go to my website: garysmalley.com.

A: For Norma and I we both agree that each season has been equal in its challenges and rewards. For example, I thought the “golden years” of our marriage would be easy, enjoyable, and relaxing (especially being a marriage expert) but it has some very unique challenges that Norma and I are still adjusting to. Unfortunately, a marriage will never be perfect or free of conflict but as Solomon shares in Ecclesiastes 9:9 “Relish life with the spouse you love each and every day of your precarious life. Each day is God’s gift. It’s all you get in exchange for the hard work of staying alive.” (MSG) Life is hard, so enjoy each and every day of your marriage to its fullest.

Thank you Gary for sharing your wisdom with us!

Guess what friends??  Gary and Norma Smalley have a Valentines Day Special for you!!  You can purchase their ebook- 4Days to a Forever Marriage for just $2.99 through February 14th, 2012!

This book also has some special features:

1. They include practical steps for him and her, with a great mix of helpful biblical wisdom.

2. A two person perspective from Gary and Norma – giving both sides of the issues from their own challenges and the insight that helped them resolve it.

3. Directed introspection for you at the end of each chapter – and specialized guidance for every season of marriage.

4. Tweet-style insights sprinkled throughout- quick and easy insights for your daily inspiration.

5. Advice for: finding time to speak with your spouse, romantic ideas for $20 or less, Smalley fighting rules, and much more!!

You can get the book for just $2.99 at:

Amazon Kindle

Barnes and Noble

iBooks

ChristianBook.com

Gary and Norma Smalley

Gary & Norma have been happily married for more than 40 years. Gary is a well-known conference speaker, best-selling author, and president and founder of Smalley Relationship Center. And for years, Gary has shared anecdotes of Norma (and their relationship) with audiences across the nation.

Ruth is the wife of a pastor, who is her best friend and the love of her life. She is a blessed homeschooling mother to her four beautiful children, and she eagerly awaits meeting her five others in heaven. She has a passion for following God, leading worship, rescuing orphans, and inspiring others to create a God honoring family.

She thoroughly enjoys warm spring breezes, blooming lilacs, tall skim mochas with whipped cream, root-lifter, eye cream, gel polish, laughing (lots of it), venti iced teas, exclamation points!!, family worship time, and snuggling up to read a good book with her family.

She is the creator of The Better Mom and she tweets at thebettermom.

I bet if you polled 100 moms all 100 would say they wished they could be more perfect. That’s what we want. To be the mom who bakes the cookies, plays the board games, cheers the loudest at Little League. Not to mention, teaches our children Scripture, who has daily quiet time with the kids, who models Christlike behavior at all times … or at least close to all times.

That’s why I’ve had a beef with a certain Scripture for a while. Matthew 5:48 to be exact: “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

Really, God?! Is that really in the Bible. You’re not serious are you?

Thankfully, one of my favorite Bible Study tools is my Amplified Bible, which actually explains the meaning of the words within the Scripture verse. This is how it puts it:

“You, therefore, must be perfect [growing into complete maturity of godliness in mind and character, having reached the proper height of virtue and integrity], as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

I like the word “growing” in there. It’s a process. God doesn’t expect me to be perfect today. In fact, I’ll never be perfect this side of heaven. In some respects this has become even clearer since adopting Alyssa. I’m still growing as a mom, even though two of my three older children are already out of the house (and one about to be married!), I’m still growing as a parent. As a person. I haven’t arrived, I don’t know it all, I’m still reaching and I have hope that I’ll get there. God has shown me the standard—Jesus! And what a standard it is.

It reminds me of when I was teaching my son Nathan to set the table when he was four. I started one day by showing him what a set table looked like. “See, here are the plates. Here is the napkin. Here are the forks.”

After that, I gave Nathan the task of setting the table, but I made things as easy as possible for him. I used a bottom cupboard that he could reach to store plastic plates and cups. I also made sure the napkins and silverware were accessible to him.

Nathan enjoyed setting the table, which I liked, but Nathan didn’t set the perfect table right away. Sometimes he forgot the forks. Other times the napkins were set on the left side, instead of the right. I wasn’t upset that Nathan wasn’t perfect, rather I helped him, picking one thing that he could try fix next time.

“Why don’t we have the butter knifes alongside the plates rather than sticking out of our drinking cups, shall we?”

I’m happy to say that at age 16, Nathan knows how to set a proper table. And he does so every night! He’s even graduated to glasses and breakable plates. I’m proud!

I think in a way this is how God feels about us—as moms striving to get it right. God’s given us a perfect standard, Jesus, to mimic, but He also understands if we need to work with the plastic cups for a while. Being perfect is a growth process and training exercise to be sure!

Just like it helped Nathan to know the standard, it helps me to know what perfection means to God. The Amplified Bible lists these things:

1. growing into complete maturity of godliness in mind and character

2. having reached the proper height of virtue and integrity

To me that sounds like living, thinking, and behaving like God would in every situation. A big goal, but also one we can strive toward as we read His Word (to know what He is thinking) and invite His Holy Spirit into our day (to help us live and behave as God would).

So perhaps I’ve been a little off in my idea of what a perfect mom looks like, but I’m thankful that God is giving me a better picture of what that means. And, if you were to poll God, I bet He’d tell you that 100 out of 100 moms can be better moms today … if they just invite Him into the process.

Tricia Goyer is the author of twenty-four books including Blue Like Play Dough, The Mommy Memoir, and The Swiss Courier. She won historical novel of the year in 2005 and 2006 from ACFW, and the writer of the year award from Mt. Hermons Writer's Conference in 2003. Tricia's book Life Interrupted was a finalist for the Gold Medallion in 2005. In addition to her novels, Tricia writes non-fiction books and magazine articles for publications like MomSense and Thriving Family. In 2010 she was selected as one of the top moms to follow on Twitter by SheKnows.com. She and her family make their home in Little Rock, Arkansas where they are a part of the ministry of FamilyLife. You can join her at www.triciagoyer.com and on twitter.

Keeping up with our busy schedules can be a challenge. We live in a fast paced society, and kids are in so many activities, that the”hurry scurry” of life can overtake us and does effect the atmosphere in the home.  With three busy boys I find it is a challenge to combat chaos and keep our home feeling serene and calm. There are some tips I have discovered that help our family function at a calmer level.

• De-clutter main living spaces so everyone feels calm.  Not everywhere in our home has to be perfect, but if the higher traffic areas and sitting areas are kept as simple and clear as possible it makes everyone feel better.
• Use closed storage for small items that tend to clutter up your spaces. There are so many creative furniture and home organizing items available today, that can be attractive and functional.
• Plan meals ahead. I often fail at this, but attempt to keep meals planned out. I don’t like it when my kids come to ask “what’s for dinner?”, and I have no idea.  If I know what is for dinner and prep it early, it makes our entire evening go better.
• Choose pleasing colors for areas that you want to relax as a family or with your spouse.  You will be amazed how when you surround yourself with colors you love how much better you feel. You can do this through paint, simple home accents, and throw pillows.
  
• Add real living plants. Green plants add serenity and clean the environment at the same time.
• Decorate with mirrors. they reflect light and make a room sparkle.
• Create cozy reading and relaxing spaces where you and your household members can go to have quiet time.
• Limit electronic time. In our house we encourage time limits to television and electronics.  We encourage reading and creative play with our kids. This is a huge part of creating a calm atmosphere for a family.
• Turn off the television during meals, and try to get the family together around the table at least a few times out of the week.
• Burn candles for a nice ambience at any time of the day. Everyone feels special when candles are burning in the home.
• Add subtle fragrance to your home. Use air fresheners, candles, and earthy potpourris to create a pleasing scent.
• Play relaxing music. when you want to calm down the atmosphere in your home.  Music can change the mood in our home within minutes.
• Take time out for you! I have to remind myself of this one all the time.  When we take time out for us, (the keepers of the home) the rest of the house members benefit.
• This is just some of the simple ways I have found to create calm in our home, and help defuse anxiety.What about you?  What have you found that works for you?

Denise is a wife and homeschooling mom who resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. She and her family live a simple and fulfilling life on nine acres in a 100 year old farmhouse. Days are never dull with three boys and a constant home improvement project in the works.
Denise loves Jesus, who has set her heart free to find beauty in the midst of the mundane. As a result of her past experiences, Denise has a passion to encourage moms and women to find their true identity in the Lord. You can find Denise writing at her personal blog Denise In Bloom and at her newest site Sisters In Bloom.

I am the mother of a special needs child.

I don’t talk about it on my blog. I don’t mention it in public. And for years I couldn’t even admit it to myself let alone others.

From the outside, it looked like I simply had a grumpy, extremely shy child.  At home, life was difficult.

When I finally caved and asked for help from an online forum, the unofficial diagnosis I was given was not what I wanted to hear.  I spent years denying what I knew was true.

When my child was young, I sheltered her.  As she grew and her behaviors became more outlandish, I figured all my sheltering had created a monster and I cracked down on my disciplining.  When I finally accepted that all the disciplining in the world wasn’t going to reach the heart of the matter, we finally made some progress.  Very. Slow. Progress.

We learned about natural remedies for the neurological issues and teaching techniques for the behavioral issues and now as an eleven year old, we have more good days than bad days.  Praise the Lord!

But, the worst of it all for me as a mother was that I was fighting for my child alone.  No one truly saw what I saw because no one else was with her as much as I was.  At home was where she let her guard down and what looked like grumpy aloofness in public became an emotional roller coaster at home.  Even here, even now, I don’t feel I can really candidly speak of those years I spent crying in my garage, wondering how we would ever make it through another day.  I would tell my husband over and over, “I’m tired.  I’m just so tired.”

Today, I choose to be brave.  Brave enough to say, “I have a child with special needs you cannot see.”

I am a mother who has struggled day in and day out with doing the right thing for a child who tests my very limits and capacities.  I am a mother who has stayed up nights worrying about the health and welfare of a child who didn’t act “normal.”  I am a mother who rejoices at even the tiniest breakthrough because it means we are one step closer to learning to live and flourish in a life that once felt out of control.

And I am thankful.  Thankful for good days,  Thankful for other mothers who have mentored me.  Thankful for coping skills.  Thankful for a daughter who didn’t mistakenly end up in our family.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.  Psalm 139:14

If you are a mother like me, I encourage you to keep praying, keep giving thanks, keep searching and learning and loving as only a mother can!  You are not alone because even when you feel like no one else in the world understands, God does.  In fact, He knows your child much better than you ever could and WONDERFUL are His works.

Amy of RaisingArrows.net is the homeschooling mother of 6 living children and one precious little girl named Emily being held in the Lord's arms.  Her days are filled with giggly girls, rambunctious boys and sticky baby kisses.  At night, she writes about it all.  It is her deepest desire that out of the overflow of her heart, her mouth should speak...and her fingers type.

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Hi! I'm Ruth and here at The Better Mom our mission is to build God-honoring homes by inspiring moms to be better moms through sharing life and learning together. Read more about me at "Meet Ruth," and our amazing writers at "Meet the Contributors."

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