Stumbling Ahead into 2012
I once dated an artist who spoke of a need to get “out” what was “inside” of him. I was a bit intrigued by this unfamiliar drive he claimed. It seemed to add a legitimacy to his work; which already obviously very good, suddenly seemed more authentic, more intrinsic. Though I’ve always had a small amount of natural talent in activities classified under “the arts” (drawing, painting, dancing, singing, blah, blah…) I never thought I’d felt what this artist described, however, in recent months I’ve felt perhaps the most similar feeling yet. During the last half of 2011 I became aware of a growing frustration inside of me, something I was afraid only left me with two options: explode and make a mess or implode and die (yes, I do tend to be a little melodramatic ) And this has led me to make some decisions for 2012.
To the casual onlooker (all three of you ) this may look like just another blog, but for me it’s part of my cure from implosion and furthermore it’s partner to my Resolve for the New Year –to be Carla and get out what’s inside of me. Now don’t get me wrong, unlike the scenario with my artist friend, this is not about legitimacy or something beautiful the world needs me to share. Of course I long to share something beautiful and if I’m honest with myself want to be at least viewed as legitimate, but as one often afflicted with ‘analysis paralysis’ I just need to ‘get it out,’ whether it be beautiful or ugly. Maybe in getting it out I’ll see a strength, or maybe a glaring character flaw. Either way, I’d rather a messy explosion than an anti-climatic implosion. And my New Year’s Resolution (yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and call it that) isn’t just about this blog or writing in general; it’s about the bigger picture of my life during this important developmental phase (do we ever really stop developing?). And I’m happy to report that I’ve gotten a [stumbling] head start, not just with this blog, but in other areas of my life as well.
A few nights ago I had a long text conversation with my younger brother. On the subject of rumination he made a suggestion I’m going to adopt: “Maybe we should fail a few times” he wrote “and think about it once, rather than the other way around : ).” The fear of failing is definitely an enemy to my New Year’s Resolution, but the worst part of actually failing is probably only ruminating about it, and since both problems are only in my head, I’ve decided to just ignore them. And as with my blog, I already have a running, err umm, stumbling start to that too.
Recently I gave online dating a shot. Laugh if you want, but I’ve outgrown my ‘waiting stoically for “the one” phase’ along with its over-complication of the decision to actually start a relationship, it’s role in dragging out the few I did start, AND it’s unhealthy suppression of various inclinations of my femininity. And since I’ve mostly only known the two extremes of a serious relationship or long periods of militant singleness, I’ve made some mistakes in dating in 2011 (and I’m sure I’ll make more). And the best part of my dating mistakes (besides freedom from the unrealistic pressure to be perfect) has been the opportunity to reject rumination, laugh, and move on! With this new-found success, I plan to try it out in every area of my life in 2012.
As I sign off with that thought from 37,000 feet in the air en route to St. Maarten, I’m literally giddy. Not about my 14-hour duty day that’s just started, or the slim hour I’ll get to spend in the Caribbean, but I’m giddy over the instant weight-loss of taking perfectionism off my shoulders. I’m giddy over the release of internal pressure from deciding to let out what I’ve been holding back inside (Shrek was right, “better out than in”). Of course I have no practical idea of what this will look like for 2012, but I’m pretty sure I can fly and I don’t even give a rip if it’s an ugly fly.
What about you? What’s your New Year’s Resolution? Whatever it is, I hope you’ve factored in plenty of room to mess up and not beat yourself up about it. Here’s to a healthy (inside and out), extremely happy and prosperous New Year! I hope we can enjoy it together in one form or another
- Share this:
Speak Your Mind Cancel reply
*
*
Comments
Happy New Year! Enjoy it every way you know how and maybe find some new ways too. That’s my plan.
Love that plan! I’m pretty sure you’ll succeed -you have one of the best abilities to enjoy yourself that I’ve ever seen
You know that writing is not a favorite pastime of mine however, this little blog of yours may have started a spark of interest in blogging……. Love you!
You could start a video blog! Then you could get your passionate thoughts out there without having to write. However, from what I recall you’re a great writer. <3 <3 <3
Hmmm lots of food for thought! Freeing thoughts at that!!
I don’t have any resolutions yet, per se, but I do have a lot of expectancy for this year. I want to follow through to finish more ideas I have. Also, with going on staff, I feel like I’m going to learn a lot about the tension of being who I am as opposed to “what is expected of me as a staff member of a church.” That should be fun.
Along with navigating through my first year of marriage, I know this will be quite an eventful year. I’m looking forward to it!
I’m excited about this year for you as well. I LOVE your writing!
Oooh expectancy is so good! Perhaps the cure to expectations =) Enjoy all the ‘newness’ of this year -glad they’re all good things =)
Thanks for the support, means a lot!!!
I am all kinds of loving your blog, Carla! You are an amazing writer and friend. Cheers to you!
Thanks Katie!!! (Soaking up all this Alicea love ) We need another girl date soon!
YES!! Let’s set up a girl date pronto!
I am loving the uncensored talk! I love your blog.
You are so real, does that make you a realist?!
Looking forward to more.
Ha ha! I have claimed to be a realist before and a ‘communalist’ (not to be confused with communist) because I love living in community. Thanks for reading! I’ll be swinging by your blog for a visit soon. Happy New Year!
I just added your blog to my Google reader. I’m looking forward to your journey of discovery in 2012.
Thank you Jason! I’ll be stopping by your blog too, and trust that 2012 will be a wonderful year of surprising growth =)
Carla keep blogging! It’s so cathartic! I’ve been doing it for over 3 years (geez) and it’s a great creative outlet for me!!! (BTW this is Kristin known by you as McAuliffe!!!)
LOL! I’ve followed your marriage and move to NYC on FB =) So cool you’ve been blogging for so long, will have to check you out. And yeah, it is super cathartic, think I’m addicted!