The Spontaneous Hausfrau

Have I ever mentioned to you that my body hates me?

No, really. It does. More accurately, my guts hate me.

Kinda the wrong way around, no?

You see, every once in awhile, my body just throws its hands up (likely, in exasperation) and says “Eff this! We are not playing like that anymore!” A whole host of foods normally in my diet just. Won’t. Agree. With me.

Farewell gluten, we’re over you.

Adios, dairy. You’re so last year

Chicken? Turkey? Hated it.

Sugar? Well, it’s always been rocky with you.

This whatever-you-want-to-call-it will last a few weeks and then poof. Gone. Buh bye. Bring back the pizza, with some froyo on top.

Whatever. I’m done trying to figure it out (actually, I can’t remember where I put my food journal), so I just go with it. It’s a good excuse to try out new vegan recipes and eat lots of raw kale salad. Which, incidentally, I just tried the other day and UM HELLO, that shiz is good.

Since Biscoff and cookie butter obsession has been making its way around the internet, I thought I’d try my hand at making a gluten free and vegan version. I even made my own gluten free and vegan Speculoos cookies to go into that gluten free and vegan cookie butter. Because I think I have too much time on my hands and I have something to prove to the dogs.

Huh?

Anyway, this is a cookie butter that’s kinder and gentler to your body and the earth. Thus, you’ll feel 12 times more virtuous eating this version. Which means that you can totally eat half the jar (like I did).

Just try to keep it out of your hair (like I didn’t).

Otherwise your dogs will be getting REALLY friendly with you.

(That’s right – like mine did.)

Gluten-Free and Vegan Cookie Butter

For the Speculoos:
(adapted from a recipe by Matzo and Rice)
1 cup Bob’s Red Mill Gluten Free all purpose flour
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon ginger
1/8 teaspoon allspice
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon baking soda
1/8 teaspoon baking powder
1 stick Earth Balance
1/4 cup evaporated cane juice
2 tablespoons brown sugar, firmly packed

In a small bowl, whisk together the flour, spices, salt, baking soda, and baking powder. Set aside.

In a medium bowl or in the bowl of a stand mixer, cream the butter and sugars until light and fluffy. Fold the flour mixture into the butter mixture until it holds together.

Transfer the cookie dough to a large sheet of plastic wrap or wax paper and form into a log. Wrap tightly and refrigerate at least 1 hour.

When you are ready to bake off the cookies, preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Remove the the cookie dough log from the refridgerator and slice into 1/2 inch rounds. Place the rounds onto a cookie sheet, 2 inches apart. Bake 12 minutes. Allow the cookies to cool completely before making the cookie butter.

For the Cookie Butter:

1 recipe of Gluten Free and Vegan Speculoos cookies (which yields approximately 3 1/2 cups of crushed cookies)
2 tablespoons coconut oil
2 tablespoons brown sugar
6 tablespoons cashew butter

Pulse the cookies in a food processor into fine crumbs. Add the coconut oil, brown sugar, and cashew butter and process for approximately 3 minutes, scraping the bowl as needed, until the mixture is fluffy and creamy. Store in a tightly covered container in the refrigerator.

This salad is my version of the Big Bowl.

The Big Bowl is a concept I learned while working in a telemarketing room during college. The Big Bowl was Robert’s lunch and Robert’s dinner. Probably his breakfast, too – I was never there in the mornings and frankly we weren’t all that tight, so I wasn’t quizzing him about his morning meals.

I’m not sure where Robert is nowadays. He was a colorful individual to say the least, with not only a flair for the culinary but also a rap sheet. A lengthy one, in fact.

Anyway, the big bowl is precisely what it sounds to be. It’s a big bowl. Of food. A little bit of this, a little that. It’s a perfect place for leftovers to land and become something fancy for lunch the next day.

It’s also mildly comforting to sit cross-legged on the couch with that big bowl snugly ensconced in your lap, blindly shoveling its contents into your mouth while you watch Entertainment Tonight.

I think.

I’ve never done it before.

I prefer Access Hollywood. Mario Lopez with those yummy, little dimples.

This big bowl is my favorite version, particularly since it seems I always have random bits of rice leftover in the fridge. Any grain will do though.

I’ve got asparagus, yellow pepper, carrots, blue cheese, parsley, a bit of olive oil, a touch of balsamic vinegar in there, too. They’ve had a chance to meet and mingle. Perhaps they’ve had a few drinks. Maybe a few dirty dances. I dunno. I avert my eyes usually.

And while we’re on the subject, I usually toss in whatever leftover protein (steak, chicken, salmon, tofu, you get it) I can corral. It’s healthy. It’s easy. It’s huggable.

Huggable lunches. I like it.

Get on it.

Brown Rice Salad

2 cups cooked brown rice
1/3 cup carrots, diced
1/3 cup yellow peppers, diced
1/3 cup dried cranberries, roughly chopped
10 stalks blanched asparagus, chopped
1/4 cup blue cheese
1 tablespoon parsley, chopped
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 teaspoons balsamic vinegar

Toss all the ingredients in a large bowl and chill until ready to serve.

This flank steak has made an appearance in my kitchen at least 563 times.

Perhaps that’s a gross exaggeration: more like 369 times.

The greatest thing about this steak? Each time I make it, Mr. Hausfrau raves about it and smacks his lips like it’s the first time he’s ever had flank steak this way and his life is changed. Think angels singing and playing harps.

I feel like a superhero goddess every time. And half the time, I imagine myself as a superhero goddess with shapely, slim thighs and a firm, pert bum.

In reality I DO have shapely thighs – the lumps and bumps on the back account for lots of different shapes that make Spanx my best friend. A firm pert bun? Keep dreaming.

Why is this flank steak so awesome? It doesn’t require a long marinade, it’s super lean, it’s fast and easy and it’s all about the texture. The texture!! I’m such a texture person that I border on creepy.

Really. I walk through stores touching things. I walk through people’s homes and touch things. I see friends and shortly after hugging them hello, I’m fussing over their hair and touching this necklace and tugging at that bracelet.

Told you I was creepy.

And you may think that using coffee grounds on a steak is creepy. Pish posh. It’s the perfect way to deepen this steak’s flavor without adding lots of extra calories. It creates a crust that is p-p-perfect. And hopefully I’ll have a butt one day that is close to p-p-perfect.

Until then, I’ll keep making this steak and serving it to Mr. Hausfrau, like we’re characters on Groundhog Day.

Just make sure to watch out for that first step – it’s a DOOOOOOZY.

Coffee Rubbed Flank Steak

1 Flank Steak
1 heaping tablespoon coffee grounds
1 heaping tablespoon steak seasoning
1 tablespoon brown sugar

Combine the coffee grounds, steak seasoning and brown sugar in a small bowl. Rub the mixture evenly all over the flank steak and allow the steak to sit 30-60 minutes at room temperature.

Cook the steak over a hot grill or under a hot broiler for approximately 7 minutes per side for a medium done steak. Remove the steak from the heat and allow it to rest 10 minutes before slicing thinly across the grain.

What can I say about this tuna and white bean salad?

Uhh, nothing.

Not because it isn’t just the perfect little bite of refreshing and tangy and spa-like deliciousness we need this time of year. Rather because I am totally brain-dead.

In the last 3 weeks, I packed up half my wardrobe and sent it halfway down the eastern seaboard. I packed up a car and corralled 3 dogs into it, driving 16 hours, landing amongst palm trees, sunshine, and perfect blue skies.

And later, Mr. Hausfrau and I took a new neighborhood and empty house by whirlwind, arranging deliveries and appointments to fill that house with this little decorative touch or that little special piece. Because we had company coming and there was shiz to be done.

And now the house is done, the company is gone and I am D.O.N.E.

Fo real, yallz, I’m tured. Yes, tured. Because I’m too tired to say tired.

But, if you must know more about this salad, it’s cannellini beans and tuna, tossed with a lemony, pesto-infused vinaigrette, a smattering of sundried tomatoes, a touch of onion and parsley. It’s healthy, it’s real and if you eat it on a dainty plate, it has half the calories.

So, I’m going to go pass out by the pool with a dainty plate of this balanced on my boobies. Wish me luck.

Tangy Tuna and White Bean Salad

3 tablespoons lemon juice
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 15-ounce can cannellini (white) beans, drained and rinsed
1 7-ounce can of tuna, drained
1/4 cup onion, finely chopped
3 tablespoons parsley, chopped
2 teaspoons pesto
1 teaspoon lemon zest
2 tablespoons sundried tomato, diced

In a medium bowl, whisk together the pesto, lemon zest, lemon juice, olive oil, and salt.

Add the drained beans, tuna, onion, parsley and sundried tomatoes and toss gently to coat. Refrigerate for 30 minutes to 2 hours to blend the flavors. Serve.

January 2, 2012.

Can you believe it?

Ugh.

I know. Just ugh.

So, in case y’all already don’t feel bad enough for my poor husband being saddled with a clumsycrazyawkward wife and three noisystinkydemanding dogs, I have the clincher for you: Today is Mr. Hausfrau’s birthday.

A birthday on January 2nd, when the entire world is SO OVER celebrating and barely coming out of their holiday stupor is a little anti-climactic. Folks are relieved to get the holidays past them and resume normal life, getting that increasingly long to-do list checked off. Everyone is getting back to work and spending an extra hour in the gym.

Just try getting a last minute birthday cake on January 2nd. See how the entire bakery will laugh at you. And then roll their eyes.

Yep, when it came to birthdays, Mr. Hausfrau got kinda shafted. Poor guy.

But, that’s why I made him my favorite smoothie for his birthday. I even crusted the glass with yellow sugar. To add a little bit of special and a touch of crack. Sure there will be candles and cake and ice cream later, but starting the day with a belly full of health is the least I can do for that man.

And if you’re like me and had nearly eaten your bodyweight in sugar coated, fat injected carbs last month? Well, short of a colonic, this smoothie is the least I can do to help your insides start the new year off right.

My Favorite Smoothie
(serves 2)

1 cup frozen strawberries
1/2 cup frozen mango
1/2 cup frozen pineapple
1 cup greek yogurt
1 scoop banana protein powder
4 teaspoons sweetener (honey, maple syrup, Splenda, etc)
1 cup water
5 ice cubes

Add ingredients to the blender in the following order for smoothest blending: water, yogurt, sweetener, protein powder, frozen fruit, and ice cubes. Blend until smooth and enjoy immediately.

Okay, New Years. It’s in a couple days. Who’s planning to go out on the town, set their soul on fire and later promising to stick to their New Year’s resolutions at least until January 23rd?

Me neither. I’m over my resolutions by January 3rd, max.

I also have the heart of a cranky old lady, so there won’t be any hootenannies and wacky hijinks for me as I ring in 2012. Mr. Hausfrau and I are going to celebrate with a few other couples over a cozy little dinner at home.

Perhaps some of you are keeping it real, too, with a small party at your home? Or a big party, keg included? Maybe you’re far more sophisticated than me and you’ll be hosting a New Year’s brunch? Whatever your event, these pecans are an addicting nibbler you’ll want to serve to your guests. They’re impossibly easy, yet your guests will insist on learning WHERE you got these nuts. Because there’s no way they can be homemade. Don’t be offended. They mean it as a compliment.

These pecans are just a little bit of everything: smokey, salty, spicy, and sweet. Besides their merits as a snacky handful, these nuts are delicious on a salad and OVER.THE.TOP when crusting a medallion of goat cheese.

Plus, nuts are heart healthy. And what’s that they say about having a happy and healthy New Year?

In fact, maybe the pecan industry wants to hire me right now as their head of marketing : “Pecans. The (easy) alternative to your (stinkin) New Year’s resolutions.”

Anyway, I’m going to hang out here and wait for the CEO of Pecans America to call me. In the meantime, make these and save a couple for me, would ya?

Smokey and Sweet Pecans

3 tablespoons coconut sugar
1 teaspoon smoked paprika
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1 egg white
4 cups or 1 pound pecan halves
3/4 teaspoon salt

Preheat the oven to 350.

In a small bowl, stir together the sugar, spices and salt. Set aside. In a large bowl, whip the egg white until frothy. Stir in the nuts. Fold in the spice mixture, making sure the nuts are evenly coated. Spread the nuts out onto a sheet pan and bake, stirring periodically, 20 minutes. Cool nuts completely and serve or store in an airtight container.

How was your Christmas? Was it merry and nice? Were your stockings filled with ice?

(Don’t ask. Just nod your head and smile.)

I know that I just posted a brownie recipe last week, and I know that I raved about how I love said brownies but here’s something weird: I don’t really, really love brownies. I mean that sometimes I want a brownie, and I REALLY just need a brownie. But most times, I can pass by a plate of brownies without much of a glance. Something about all that chocolate and not much else going on. I suppose that, alone, will get me voted off the island.

Give me a Blondie any day, however. I love the buttery brown sugar taste, the dense interior, and the crusty tops. Gve me that brown sugar base, and I can go to town pulling out all sorts of mad science moves, adding a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

This go round, I grooved with a lemon theme and added white chocolate chips. Admittedly, I was trying to suck up to Mr. Hausfrau, who la la loves la la lemon and hates the following:

Pumpkin
Sweet potatoes
Donuts
Peanut butter anyplace other than between two slices of white bread
Large quantities of chocolate
Mint desserts
Bacon anyplace other than beside a pile of eggs

(He’s such a boy.)

So, if you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know the past month has left him out of the desserts madness. And gifted me a few pounds. So, aside from sucking up, I thought it was high time for his pants to start straining some seams.

Not necessarily because misery loves company. But maybe because misery is ready to put away her elastic waist pants.

Lemon White Chocolate Chip Blondies

1 stick unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
pinch salt
1 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon lemon extract
1 1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
1 cup white chocolate chips

Preheat the oven to 350.

In a small bowl, combine the salt and flour. Set aside.

In a medium bowl, beat the butter until light. Add the sugars and beat until fluffy. Add the egg, vanilla, lemon extract, and lemon zest and beat until well combined.

Fold in the flour mixture until no streaks of flour remain. Add the white chocolate chips and stir until evenly dispersed. Scrape the batter into an 8 x 8 pan and bake 25 minutes. Allow the Blondies to cool before slicing.