Being the Smartest Person in the Room…

February 7, 2012 By Carla 4 Comments

Is something you should definitely try to avoid!

 

When Nicki Minaj made her appearance during the Super Bowl halftime show Sunday night, I was reminded of something that unintentionally intrigued me during her performance at “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest.” As I watched her dancers giving it their best during the annual show, my subconscious became so confused that questions interrupted my consciousness. “Why are they so short and stocky?” “Aren’t those dancers hired for their looks –why aren’t they curvier, ‘hotter’?” Then it hit me! “Aha, they’re built just like Nicki, except slightly less attractive” (not that any of them were unattractive, my subconscious just has high standards for media due to its previous input regarding the ‘ideal’ sexy dancer). “How interesting, and narcissistic” I thought. I was tempted to look down on Ms Minaj for not being secure enough to hire dancers who were “prettier” (at least by current societal norms) than her. But from an aesthetic standpoint it did make sense, and she probably pays people to figure all that stuff out for her anyway I reasoned. I let her off the hook. But, I thought, “what about me?” And what about you?

 

Let’s take physical appearance out of the equation since this is largely something we can’t change about us, but what about say intellect? Do we make sure we’re the smartest one at the dinner table? Or worse yet, in the office amongst our staff? Or are we comfortable being the least knowledgeable person at the dinner party and the lowest IQ holder amongst our hired staff? If we’d like to improve ourselves at all (not to mention any larger collective effort such as in an organization) I suggest we get comfortable with being inferior by comparison.

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Sharon (on the left) convinced me to do a triathlon with her (my first event of any kind!). She beat my time by a good 20 minutes but got me to beat my best time which was previously non-existent.

 

While chatting with one of our new pilots on a layover Texas yesterday, he started relaying some recent information he’d heard from some personal trainer to the stars (who’s name I can’t remember). He (the pilot) and I are both into physical fitness, which is a great point of camaraderie, so he was explaining how important the trainer said this was. He explained that essentially the trainer’s advice was to avoid spending a lot of time with those who don’t care about health/nutrition but rather find time to spend with those who do. That made sense to me and started my mind on a tangent as to how I could find more of such people. And then I went back to my earlier Nicki Minaj related musings; actually, it would be best to surround myself with people better than me in the area of health/nutrition.

 

I’ve pretty much decided to get a proper road bike this Spring, and then latch on to some groups that ride locally, even do some events. Now I know I’ll likely be the worst in the group, which will definitely be embarrassing  (I’m not competitive at all spacer ), but that’s a price I’m willing to pay to improve, to push myself. I mean, I could go find a senior citizen’s riding group and be the healthiest and fastest rider (actually they may also be faster) but whom would I learn from? Who could I look up to or set goals from their accomplishment?

 

A friend recently shared the following quote:

 

How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be –Elizabeth Lesser “Being Open”

 

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Check out the guy in the yellow

We do tend to resist change (and growth for that matter) and instead choose a counterfeit to true improvement by surrounding ourselves with those who are a bit worse off to make our current status quo look a little less ‘status quo’, or so we think. But the “difficult times” to which Lesser refers could very well be those times in which we allow ourselves to be the most inferior tennis player, scientist, computer programmer, etc, in the room; that “difficult time” where we are forced to deal with embarrassment over our inferiority. But if we allow, and even seek out such scenarios, I believe we can “break… open” our potential and break off the tired status quo monkey on our back.

 

And this is why I think we should avoid being the best and the brightest in the room whenever we can.

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Bambi and Chicken Little: Why You Might be a Hypocrite

February 2, 2012 By Carla 4 Comments

In our culture it’s generally accepted that animal cruelty is not cool. In fact, the extensive coverage of the Michael Vick case (quaterback sentenced to 21 months in prison after pleading guilty to dog fighting in 2007) and the social repercussions he faced as a result prove the public finds it outrages in fact. And this is how it should be for the most part, for above and beyond the atrocity of inflicting pain on a helpless creature, someone who abuses animals doesn’t bode well for the rest of us. After all, this seems to be how all the sicko serial killers get their start. But what about you and me? We’d never torture an animal –right? Well, maybe not for fun, but for something even more base you probably already have –money. That’s right, in our current culture we’ve been content to support the torture animals in order to save a few bucks at the grocery store. And this, my friends, is the real atrocity.

 

Girls in our culture cry over the ‘big bad hunters’ who kill ‘Bambi,’ but gobble down a tortured version of ‘Chicken Little’ (cold and dead on their pretty little Caesar Salads) noon and night. I wasn’t aware of the way chickens, cows and other species of our American diet were treated when I was a young girl, but I did have an aversion to such hypocrisy.spacer

 

My next-door neighbor and ‘bestie’ at the time was quite a little activist. And being an avid animal lover myself (I even raised Netherland Dwarfs (rabbits)), she easily roped me into starting a club with the sole purpose of stopping animal cruelty. So in my parent’s little spare room up stairs, we poured over articles about animal testing for cosmetics and the tortured life of a Veal Cow. We made buttons and brochures and told everyone we knew not to eat Veal, but that was about it. At the time I seriously considered being a vegetarian but didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I thought: ‘if I stop eating meat because I love animals, I will also have to stop wearing leather sneakers and somehow avoid animal bi-products in all food and cosmetics.’ I thought that would be nearly impossible so I settled for avoiding Veal; something my family never ate anyway. But as an adult I’m revisiting the problem of animal cruelty with new action steps.

 

A couple years ago I read the book “Serve God, Save the Planet” by Dr. Sleeth and was inspired. It not only renewed my pursuit of the happiness that only comes through simplicity, but it also reminded me of the importance of ethical consideration of my neighbors around the world and all of God’s creatures. Now I don’t feel bad about eating meat, because for one thing other animals do it too. However, I am no longer alright with supporting needless animal cruelty. As a human on this planet I am not okay with mistreating any creature or paying others to do it for me. This may sound a bit dramatic to you so let me explain a bit of what goes on.

 

The following article excerpt describes the needless abuse of chickens by workers of a typical supplier; something I believe to simply be a by product of the larger unethical practices of chicken suppliers who genetically engineer the birds so they can’t stand, cram them into unsanitary and painful environments with no natural light and no rest for the entirety of their sad little lives, all in an effort to feed our demand for cheap/fat chicken breast by the way:

 

the results of an investigation into a KFC-supplying slaughterhouse in Moorefield, West Virginia, where workers were caught on video stomping on chickens, kicking them, and violently slamming them against floors and walls. Workers also ripped the animals’ beaks off, twisted their heads off, spat tobacco into their eyes and mouths, spray-painted their faces, and squeezed their bodies so hard that the birds expelled feces—all while the chickens were still alive (PETA, 2012, kentuckyfriedcruelty.com/u-pilgrimspride.asp).

 

spacer If you are unaware of the atrocities of the chicken industry or of the rest of the food industry for that matter, stop what you’re doing, and watch the documentary “Food Inc.” online. They do a much better job of explaining the problem (and the solution) than I will, so I won’t go into further details about the kind of animal abuse we support everyday when we go to Wal*Mart (actually I avoid it at all costs!). Personally, I know that fearing hypocrisy is no longer excuse enough to do nothing toward stopping animal abuse in our opulent society (so opulent in fact, you’d think we could afford to treat animals better!). What I now do is pay extra for the ‘Cage Free’ eggs and natural meats. As a result I eat less meat and more vegetables as well as fish and hunted game if I can get my hands on it (at least I know the animal lived a good life and that it ended at the hands of a respecting hunter). You can feel free to keep saving a buck (no pun intended spacer ) and in so doing support animal cruelty, but if you do, don’t even think about crying over Bambi because if you do, you just might choke on Chicken Little.

 

 

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Overcoming Sexualization and Depersonalization

January 30, 2012 By Carla 8 Comments

Recently a young man told me he was sure I got ‘hit on’ all the time. He wondered how I handled it when the wrong kind of guy ‘hit on me,’ or if I’d managed to avoid it all together by mastering the ‘don’t ‘f’ing talk to me stare’. I know he was giving me stealthy a compliment (always appreciated) but I answered his question honestly none-the-less. I told him I could give that look if needed, but that I’ve generally taken one of two approaches. The first approach I explained is to avoid eye contact and look as bitchy (excuse my French) as possible as I walk by. However, I noted that this approach can often backfire as it can actually be a ‘turn-on’ to troubled men and makes it easier for them to depersonalize and sexualize the woman using this approach. So I explained that the second approach I’ve found is to simply engage with platonic kindness. The young man saw how this could actually work, and even felt it was good advice for his younger sister. Later, thinking more about this concept I realized something profound: not only have I been the victim of depersonalization and sexualization by depraved men in our society, but I have been the perpetrator of depersonalizing men.

 

What do I mean by “depersonalization” and “sexualization”? A rhetorical question may best illustrate my point. When a man shouts out a crass comment about a female jogger’s anatomy as he drives past her, do you think he’s viewing her as a person or a sexual object? The answer is obvious. He doesn’t care who she is, what her story is and would think her name completely irrelevant. He’s not trying to start a relationship, just unload a bit of his lust onto ‘Female Jogger ‘A’’ who doesn’t exist in his world as an actual person. Now I’ve noticed some interesting ways I can alter such behavior while jogging myself. Besides the place and time of day I run, I’ve notice that if I wear a hat I get less honks, whistles and what have you (I honestly wouldn’t have guessed such guys pay attention to anything above my shoulders). And when I add to my baseball cap a sweatshirt tied around my waste, I’m not getting any drive by love spacer . But something I tried this summer while up in Connecticut was the best trick I’ve found to date.

 

Running near a friend’s house in July, I started getting heart palpitations when I realized I couldn’t avoid running past a group of construction workers on break (so cliché I know!). I think this scenario makes every girl paranoid, but the extra blood flow from my cardio must have made a difference because I thought up a plan quick and took the lead before they could. “How’s it going guys?” I said with the tone a professional peer would use. I’m not sure they knew what hit them, and as a default they responded with the same respect. On the way back they were still there (‘GREAT!’ I thought), but I let them know again that I was a person just like them, “Are you guys still on break?! Must be nice [insert platonic smile].” They laughed, and remained too stunned to come back with a “hey Baby” or any other nonsense. What a great run! And since then I’ve tried a similar approach with the same promising results. But it wasn’t until this week that I thought a little deeper into why this works or what was so wrong with my earlier approaches.spacer

 

Engaging with platonic kindness works for me because it forces the potential perpetrator to face my personhood. With the proliferation of unsavory magazines and every other kind of media, men in our culture are accustomed to using images that don’t talk back, object, or merely interact, to get whatever pleasure they can. Not seeing the line between reality (real human women) and sexual media, they often respond to women similar to the way they do to their magazines. But when the woman does something a magazine image wouldn’t (i.e. speak) it often snaps them out of their fog. Now obviously kind words aren’t the only type of words a woman can use to assert her personhood (and believe me there are definitely times to assert oneself with unkind words) but I’ve found that saying something rude to such guys only stirs them up to ‘dish it’ right back. But something more profound I realized this week is that when I speak rudely or take my ‘don’t ‘f’ with me stance’: I am actually doing the one thing I myself despise, I am depersonalizing them.

 

It is much easier for women to justify depersonalizing men as it can be easily viewed as a matter of survival. We’ve all heard (and I’ve been guilty of saying) things like ‘men are such pigs!’ and since women are more often victimized by men then the other way around, these comments are sure to rally plenty of ‘hear, hear’s’. But I see two major problems with this. First off, I’ve found that it’s human nature to act the way we are treated as well as to desire to do better. If I assume a guy is a ‘pig’ and treat him likewise, he’s more likely to live up to my expectation. However, if I instead pretend I don’t notice his inappropriate gawking and treat him as if I assume he’s a gentleman, he’s more likely to rise to the occasion, which has been my experience. So from a pragmatic position, it simply makes more sense for me to not depersonalize men in order to avoid the negative behavior from them that I don’t enjoy. But my second point goes deeper for me: no matter how someone behaves, they are still human -image bearers of God even- and therefore worthy of my kindness.

 

I could take this discussion farther and talk about those who commit heinous crimes (for most everyone in society is happy to depersonalize them) but that would make this post far too long. My point is: we are all born vulnerable with a desire for love and goodness. But through years of mistreatment, bad choices, and evil influences (both seen and unseen) we all do things below the original intent of our humanity. But we are still human. From a female perspective, crimes that violate women (from degrading comments all the way to the full physical manifestation of such comments) are particularly repulsive and scary to me, but I refuse to let it justify my depersonalizing another human being…

 

Just as my thoughts on this subject, this blog has gotten a little more philosophical then I intended spacer But I hope you’ve enjoyed it, AND I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject!

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A Girl, Swindlers and a Naked King

January 26, 2012 By Carla 4 Comments

A friend of mine recently gave me some advice for my blog that went something like this: ‘Carla, you should explain more about what’s behind your perspective. I mean, we (referring to my other friends at the table) all know who ‘being Carla’ is (insert slightly sarcastic/teasing tone) but other people don’t. They don’t know how extensively you’ve traveled. Count up all the countries you’ve been to and give people that number. I mean, Carla, you lived in a tent in the bush of Africa for six months; that alone sets you apart from your average American. Tell people all that stuff you take for granted that we already know; they’ll read that and think, “Okay, I’ll listen to her” then they’ll read your writing and be hooked.’

 

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Taken during my 6-month stint in Zambia

Of course I was flattered by his confidence in my writing and the novelty of my experiences, and did actually think he made a good point. I still tried to object that my blog was already ‘self-indulgent’ enough (I can almost hear Simon Cowell saying so in my head spacer ) but then I remembered my own assertions in my “About Blog” section. Our perspective affects everything we say and do whether or not we care to admit it. With that in mind, it is so much more truthful and leaves more room for objectivity for all parties involved when we clarify the influences of our perspective. So… Right, wrong or indifferent (you decide which) I’m going to go ahead and share a bit more about the influences of my perspective.

 

 

One of my favorite childhood tales is the one where the little girl calls out in the crowd with clarity of vision and perspective, “But he isn’t wearing anything at all!” You may remember that in this short story by Hans Christian Anderson (The Emperor’s New Clothes) a king is swindled out of a large sum of money when two men sell him an extravagant new outfit (the king loved fine clothes!) that could not be seen by anyone who was “incompetent or stupid.” Not wanting to concede that he was either, he purchased the non-existent/”invisible” garments and paraded in the street where no one else but a girl still un-jaded by societal pollutants called it like she saw it. Now, I must admit that when I went back to read the story to make sure I had my facts straight for this blog I realized the story didn’t specify that it was a little girl at all, but rather that it was a young child. But I’m a girl, and I obviously adopted the tale as my own when I was a little girl, so from my view the star of the tale was a little girl. And that is my first point in referring to the story –many factors influence our perspective as we grow. Which leads to my second point, though we look back to the innocents/clarity of childhood, I don’t believe that these influences as we grow must always be clouding ones; our experiences can also be enlightening. I believe I’ve experienced both varieties.

 

I grew up in America. Born in Tucson, raised in Connecticut from the age of ten. I was raised in a devout Christian home (fortunately my parents were not the judgmental variety) but as I became a young adult I started to become a aware of an embarrassment, not so much of my parents, but of various aspects of the American Christian Church culture I’d grown up in. Honestly, I felt some guilt (a useless pastime if I ever met one!) thinking this meant I was a “bad Christian” unlike the Apostle Paul who was “not ashamed of the Gospel.” But then I moved to Africa and all of that changed.

 

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I lived on the Zabezi Gorge just down from Victoria Falls (pictured here)

Though I’d already traveled a decent amount for your average American at the time, (China, the Amazon and other parts of South and Central America, all over the UK and North America) in Africa, for the first time, I became aware of my own Worldview. A Worldview is an odd thing because you adopt one without a conscious thought for the most part. The problem arises most when we unknowingly assign values such as ‘absolute truth,’ ‘right/wrong’ etc. to aspects of our Worldview that deserve no such authority. In Africa I was immersed in a culture very different from my own, with people who saw the world very differently then I did. And it was rarely a case of ‘right and wrong’ as I was at times tempted to think, but rather a simple case of differences that had value and drawbacks within themselves.

 

I come from a ‘time orientated society,’ for instance, and growing up in ‘the Church’ had heard it preached (not from my dad mind you) that being on time was a ‘character issue’. But in Africa, where society is ‘event orientated’ it would be incredibly rude and uncaring to end the conversation with the person in front of you in order to not be late to a meeting with someone else. Both Worldviews have extensive implications, both positive and negative, but that’s for another blog. The point is; to believe that my own preference is ‘right’ and another’s is ‘wrong’ is foolish, divisive and simply not true. And back to my young adult aversions to aspects of my own American Christian culture, my time in Africa compelled me to examine those things that bothered me; to test them and hold them up even to the central tenets of the faith. And guess what I discovered? The American Christian Church is filled with Middle Class Conservative American ideals. That’s fine, but those preferences are not Gospel and should not be preached as such. Furthermore, some of them are in contradiction to the tenets of the faith, and those should definitely not be preached as absolute truth.

 

Now I know there are a ton of other things I could discuss that don’t involve ‘the Church’ or ‘Christianity,’ but both have been a big part of my life and an influence I can’t deny. And for the unhealthy aspects I have worked hard to weed out of my life, I can’t help but feel passionate trying to help others do the same. I do realize that all of my friends and readership do not share my background (which is great of course), so I always try to explain myself without using too much insider language (a major pet peeve of mine!). Also, I don’t –IN THE SLIGHTEST- feel the need to include scripture or somehow interlace Christian culture into every blog I write.  Unfortunately I’ve seen many other bloggers with my background feel compelled to do this. As far as I’m concerned there’s no need for me to harp on my religion that way; it’s important and foundational to me (which is why I’m addressing it in a blog about my perspective), but not the only thing I’m interested in or want to talk about. As a Christian Theist I believe all things are ultimately under God, but I enjoy any number of aspects of a matter besides that one. So please, if you’re a Christian reading my blog, don’t feel the need to ‘gently’ correct me by commenting with the Biblical applications I ‘somehow missed’ while talking about my job or some other subject. Also, I may speak a truth central to our faith such as ‘without love I am nothing’ -please do not feel the need to rephrase it into a common saying/scripture over-used in the Church as this only promotes a lack of understanding and ownership of what one is actually saying and thinking.

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I later spent a whole summer in South Africa where I met these guys (picture simply added for it's 'cute' factor)

 

So there you go! A little bit more about my perspective as a Christian Theist and American World Traveler. I’m a Christian, but I don’t think like your average Christian. I’m an American but I don’t think entirely like your average American. I by no means have a corner market on the truth of any matter, but I am grateful that I’ve had some experiences to point me toward greater objectivity, experiences that have enlightened and have helped me overcome the one’s that haven’t. I like to hope that when I find myself in situations like the one in the story of the naked king that I am more like the small child and less like the king, and certainly less like the swindlers. I think no matter our differing Worldviews, this is something we can all agree on…

 

PS: I don’t know how many countries I’ve travelled to but I think it’s somewhere around the same number as the years I’ve been on this planet spacer

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A Fun Girl

January 22, 2012 By Carla 5 Comments

My car was filled with animated female chatter as I drove my roommate home from the airport after her holiday back home in Brazil. We were so excited to catch up and be in each other’s company again that compliments and sentiments interlaced the details of the last three weeks. “You’re such a fun person!” she finally exclaimed, and I cocked my head. “Fun person”? I wouldn’t describe myself that way. Sure, I like to have fun and I’m definitely funny (in fact, I think I’m so funny that I think the fact that I think I’m funny is hysterical –ha ha ha!). Those who know me (and perhaps you can tell from my blog even if you don’t) know I don’t suffer from false modesty. In fact, after complimenting me with, “you look great!” a friend I saw yesterday for the first time in months quickly added with a smirk, “but you already know that.” He wasn’t too far off spacer Now you’re probably thinking I’m conceded, but if you read “My Average Good Looks” you’ll know that’s not true either. Anyway, my point is I could (objectively) describe myself with many different adjectives but “fun” wouldn’t be one of them. However, I LOVE fun people!  And I find that I always manage to rope them into my life somehow. There’s one fun girl in particular that’s been in my life since my freshman year of high school. And the best part  is, I didn’t have to do anything to rope her in; my brother did that for me when he made her a Tanguay.

 

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Cari and Brian on their wedding day

Cari’s “a real thrill-seeker” as Brian puts it, and she’s got that ‘Energizer Bunny’ energy to back it up. The thing I’ve found about ‘fun’ people is they usually have a loud, clear and pleasant sounding laugh that can light up a room. Cari owns such a laugh and its always music to my ears! If I’m back up in Connecticut visiting I always stay with her and Brian and know that she’ll make certain I have a good time. She and I are real foodies, and like me she loves to cook  (unlike me she’s an actual chef) so she keeps Brian and I well fed with culinary deliciousness and with that energy of hers will keep us on the go too. She’s not the fun yet shallow type though, she has depth, has put some lovely effort into personal growth over recent years and knows how to stop for a focused yoga session or a nice cup of tea (Brian and Cari are tea snobs spacer ) and good conversation. But as wonderful as all these attributes are, one of the aspects most endearing to me about Cari is how she’s managed to add to our family and not take away from it.

 

Women can be strange. I’ve seen some very unhealthy relationships between mothers and their sons for instance; the full extent of which seeming to become most apparent when the son marries and brings ‘competition’ into the mother’s perceived territory. Watching this dynamic play out with some of my girlfriend’s mother-in-laws has been disturbing to say the least, and I am so glad to report that my mother has never interacted with my brothers in such a way. And then there’s another odd dynamic that’s almost as creepy. I woman marries into a family and suddenly becomes jealous of her husband’s relationships with his sisters and other family members. In her attempt to control her jealousy, she lashes out and attempts to control him and keep him from his family. Fortunately, my brother (maybe because he had an emotionally healthy mother) chose Cari, an amazing chick who has done the opposite.

 

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As terrible as I look, this old picture of me and my sisters is one of my favorites!

I was first introduced to Cari when I was 15; she was 16. I thought she was very pretty and was glad because I thought my brother should have a pretty girlfriend. They dated for a while and married the summer I graduated from high school. We haven’t always seen eye to eye on everything (she’s a pretty strong/stubborn woman like the rest of us in the Tanguay clan) but she’s always been extremely supportive of my relationship with my big brother and his relationship with the rest of the family. I’ve always respected her place as Brian’s wife…. and her place in our family. Over the last 16 years together they’ve gone through their ups and downs, but I’m so proud of how they’ve grown and stayed committed to growing in love… And did I mention she’s really, really fun?!

 

Cari came and visited me in Florida several years back. We went to Magic Kingdom (with her mom who was living in FL at the time too, okay, maybe she actually came to visit her mom) and had a blast!! The next year she dragged my brother down with her (I’m trying to convince them to take another trip soon spacer ) and she let Brian and I go on the tame rides together at MGM while she went on the Tower of Terror repeatedly. She couldn’t convince us to join her on that ridiculous ride but she’s motivated me to do a lot of other fun things I wouldn’t have done otherwise. Really, I believe people like Cari help the world go round in a wonderful way. I’ve done some crazy adventurous stuff in my life, like white water rafting on level 5 rapids, living in a tent for 6 months in the African bush, traveling the world and even a triathlon, all because of the influence of the fun people in my life. Cari recently celebrated her 29th Birthday (again) so this is my Birthday shout out to her. Happy, Happy, Birthday Sis!!! So glad you’re in my life -it’s much more fun (and rich) because of you spacer

 

 

Are you a “fun person” or have you recruited fun people to add a little spice to your life? If you’re not fortunate enough to have a sister-in-law like Cari, I certainly hope you have a friend like her!

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Online Dating Advice for the Guys

January 17, 2012 By Carla 6 Comments

As I mentioned in my New Year’s blog (Stumbling Ahead into 2012) I recently started online dating. For the most part it’s been a good experience (though I think that about most experiences as I’m usually ‘the glass is half-full’ kind of girl), fairly innocuous and entertaining to boot. Nothing to report about meeting the love of my life or anything, however, today I thought I might be able to help some single guys out there find true love online… Or at least avoid online dating self-sabotage.spacer

 

In the last couple of days I’ve received more than a dozen emails. But there were two in particular I’d like to share and critique before I offer an additional list of helpful ‘do’s and don’ts.’ Ready guys? spacer

 

An average looking guy I would have passed on the street without a second glance sent me the following:

 Morning! I know this is where I’m supposed to write something witty and attention grabbing, but to be honest, I was  somewhat apprehensive when signing up for online dating and so far all I could come up with was “Hi” or “Morning!” But between life’s daily adventures, work, crime-fighting (…I’m Batman. But don’t tell anyone, it would make things awkward) I’ve found it hard to meet quality people these days. So I figured online was the next progressive step… and here I am.

As for me, I’m a web developer for a creative agency in the Hallandale Beach area. I look forward to going to work everyday. Mostly because of the people and projects, but the free lunches and 5 o’clock beers don’t hurt either. Our office is actually near Gulfstream Park. Have you been down there since it was remodeled?

 

Hmmm… and yawn. This was the second email in a row I’d received in which the suitor spoke only of himself. Isn’t that the purpose of their profile?!?! Kind of like a Resume and a Cover Letter, don’t repeat your Resume in your Cover Letter, instead make it clear what you are interested in (the particular company you are applying to) by showing some knowledge of the company, you know, use a little flattery –the same is true for women. In short, let her know why you’re including her in your monologue so that hopefully it can become a dialogue. Now this guy didn’t come across self-absorbed by only talking about himself, but that’s because he was so unsure of his course of action, which leads to my second critique.

 

Know your audience and own your actions. Obviously this guy is embarrassed about trying online dating. Maybe he thinks it’s only for “losers” or shows he’s incapable of securing a mate without technological performance enhancers. But whatever the reason he may be embarrassed; the fact is he’s chosen his course of action. He only makes himself look indecisive at best and a his own victim at worst (both so unattractive!) by taking a paragraph to describe how he has mixed feelings about what he’s doing (yes, I know, I’m overlooking the little joke about Batman, but it’s easy to do surrounded by such dull, yet at the same time self-sabotaging material). And what’s worse, his self-doubt it is a backhanded insult. He is, after all, writing to a girl who is currently participating in online dating. If he’d considered his audience at all he’d have noted that, as well as come up with a better question at the end then one related to the location of his office (poor guy!).

 

But I received a different email too, from another average looking guy I’d have passed on the street:

 

I must have viewed your profile 8 billion times, I’m thinking we could have a laugh or two, what’s your take on the situation?

 

I laughed out loud, and it worked, I was flattered enough to reply. In fact, there was a bit of magic… His picture suddenly became a little more attractive spacer It certainly wasn’t the best-written email I’ve received, and it was very short. But, it was direct, flattering and asked a legitimate question that could help us progress from point ‘A’ to point ‘B.’ Not much more needs to be said about that, but now let me leave you guys with some further bullet points to help you on your online quest for love, should you choose to take it:

  • You should all know by now that topless photos in the bathroom mirror are not attractive, no matter how ripped your abs are. Please spare us!

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    This guy actually looks like a kind enough guy, still not a good choice for the profile!

  • Additionally, pictures of you posing with hot cheerleaders, belly dancers or models only screams: “I’m a loser trying to prove I’m not!” If you were really in a legitimate relationship of any kind with any of those girls you wouldn’t insult them by exploiting them like that. We all know their paid, and behind that contractual smile is a girl dying for you to remove your sweaty palm from the small of her back.  Next time take a photo with non-paid/willing participant
  • For your profile, don’t give away all your baggage by taking pains to outline all the terrible qualities you don’t want in a partner. You leave us thinking, “wow, what kind of trailer trash die he last date?” It’s better to express the ways YOU’VE grown through your past mistakes (i.e. dating that sub-par girl) without getting into the mistakes themselves
  • Also avoid using your profile to chronicle the online dating mistakes of women. Your profile should be about you and be catered to the kind of girl you actually want to attract, not catered to keeping away the one’s you don’t want. The kind of girl you would be interested in will take one look at your profile and say to herself “he’s definitely not talking to me” before deleting you
  • Do read her profile, and avoid asking questions in emails that she’s already answered on her profile
  • Be honest and be you, don’t try and project what you think is attractive, remember you want someone who’s attracted to YOU

 

That’s all I’ve got for you guys tonight! Feel free to add your thoughts, and if you’re interested I do write profiles for a small fee spacer

PS: The photos came from a Yahoo image search, as tempting as it was, I didn’t take any actual photos from the online dating site I’m on.

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