Frozen Nowhere

Writing: the Mysterious Vanishing Text Messages

I am a much better communicator when I write than when I talk.

This might surprise some people who know me, because off and on over my lifetime I have been accused of being a chatterbox.

I am much more comfortable writing than talking; whether it is talking in person or on the phone, most of the time I find myself wishing that I had the option to just put it down in writing. I’d much rather chat on IM or text than pick up a phone and call someone. I’d rather write a letter than converse on the phone… I find talking about “serious” matters fairly difficult out loud…

Other than 2 message/emails on Facebook Reg has never emailed me anything that could be even vaguely considered “communication”. Sure, he’s emailed me a recipe here or there that he wants to try at my place… but he’s never emailed me anything beyond that. And despite the fact that our relationship STARTED via MSN messenger, that has been the FIRST thing that he dropped, and he’s spotty, at best, with texting.

This wouldn’t be such a problem if Reg was a good communicator by nature, but he really isn’t all that interested in communicating. Sure, he tries, but even after I tell him (point blank) that I need something from him he doesn’t bother to actually follow through – if he’s comfortable with “us” he drops the communication level to near zero… and that doesn’t work for me at all.

When we first started dating we chatted on MSN every night most of the night, I was comfortable in that medium and it was easy for me to create a rapport with him. For months and months that’s how we talked… how we shared the ups and downs of being single parents, dealing with our ex’s, and work and life stresses. When he decided he didn’t want to chat online but also didn’t want to be bothered to call or talk on the phone, he made it very very clear that I wasn’t important in his life. He rejected me through his actions.

Since we have gotten back together he HAD been way more diligent to communicate with me regularly… until recently. Recently he has had reasons not to be able to text in mornings or call in the evenings… and it might be true …

But it feels an AWFUL lot like the first rejection. I do not want to go through that again…

I have been reluctant to believe that he’s sincere because he doesn’t seem to GET how important this 30 seconds of his time IS to me (we’ve discussed the importance I attach, right or wrong, to the morning text message but he still “forgets” more often than he remembers)… The more often he “forgets” the less I believe that I matter to him, the more I want to wash my hands of this before it goes too far…

I don’t want to feel that I wasted my time by inviting back a man who really isn’t interested in a life with me.

I don’t want to feel like I wasted money – going to movies, buying movies, paying for meals, paying for trips, making my home available to him, buying extra groceries, paying extra in electricity, etc etc etc –  and to be left with nothing but debt and regret.

I don’t want to invest myself into someone who might reject me again.

I could forgive the wasted time and money… but offering myself up to be rejected a second time is freaking SCARY shit. The hurt wasn’t from him not calling, it was from him just treating the whole relationship as if it, and ME, were one big burden – the resistance to calling, the inability to make the effort to spend 15-30 seconds in the morning to let me know he cared, the acting as if my visiting was crowding him, zoning me out with tv, movies, video games or just sleeping, and the complete lack of sexual advances – was worse than being alone. When I was alone I knew where I stood, I could build confidence in myself, but giving it another chance, to go through the same bullshit? Not cool.

Maybe I am attaching too much importance to something “insignificant”… but I don’t think so.

To ME the morning text message is of PRIME importance – it tells me that he is:

1) WILLING to set aside a bit of time for me;

2) that he thinks about me;

3) that I have a place in his life even when he is away;

4) that he listens to what I NEED from  him;

5) and that he is willing to make a (small) sacrifice to ensure that we last

– getting that message in the morning is what gets me through my days at work. Being message less? Well… it makes everything feel 100X worse, seeds doubt, and makes me feel that I can’t rely on him at all (since, seriously, this is the smallest thing I could ask and he fails to do it??? How can I rely on him to be there for me when I really NEED someone if he can’t be there reliably for me emotionally?)…