The Innocent

Allow me to introduce my family.  Please don’t hold it against them…it is really not their fault.

The Gatekeeper

This is my husband, “The Gatekeeper.”  I am his domestic slave and he is my lawn boy.  I am the Lucy to his Ricardo…in other words, I am the fun one and he is my conscience. But it’s a good arrangement.  He brings home his bacon, and I fry it up in my pan.  And we make really pretty babies, but you wouldn’t know that because I have to crop off their heads to protect them from the Axis of Evil.

Nature Boy

Here’s the first born of the brood. He is an angel! He is SO kind and gentle and smart that I’m starting to think he was switched with my real baby in the hospital nursery. Nature boy refuses to eat all fruits except green apples. Not surprisingly, he is the reason I own a toilet auger.

Mini-Me, formerly known as Klepto

She totally gets it from her Mama.  Make sure you frisk her before she leaves your house. She has some seriously sticky fingers and tends to stash loot in her panties.  God help me when she is a teenager.  She’s 8 years old and a force of nature. Her hobbies include playing piano, drawing, making as much noise as she possibly can, and pole dancing.

Bucket Head

This is the baby.  Well, I guess he’s a preschooler now, but he’ll always be my baby.  When he was a toddler, he just loved his little bucket. Wore it everywhere. Hell, I didn’t care. It kept his head safe and warm and gave the neighbors something to talk about. These days he dresses in Super Hero costumes 24/7. He also has a speech impairment, a ridiculously contagious giggle, and a deep rooted fear of sleeping alone.

Ike

Our beloved dog.  Part Black Lab, part Cuisinart.  He’s a rescue from the Humane Society and the sweetest, most loyal, bestest dog ever. My children and their friends wear him like a hat sometimes and he never even rolls his big brown eyes about it. He’s a lover, not a fighter. Unless you are a burglar or someone who is beating him with a billy club, then please disregard everything I just said about how sweet and gentle he is.

Gracie

Meet the newest member of our clan, Gracie. She was Mini-Me’s surprise birthday present last year…  cutest thing you ever saw… until she hooked her razor like kitty claws into Mini-Me’s lip and got dropped about 4 feet onto the dog… then it wasn’t so cute. In fact it was downright terrifying for everyone within a mile radius. But now Gracie is declawed and Ike is her bitch. All in all, we are what Cesar Millan would call a “balanced pack.” Not.