The 11 Different Ways Your Girlfriend Will Sigh At You
By
Peter DeWolf
Peter DeWolf is his real name.
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1) She just realized how many fantasy sports teams you have. (And that one is named, in the most unflattering way, after her mother.)
2) A sigh that accompanies the levels of fundamental ennui — such that poets have yet to be able to fully articulate — with which she’s stricken when looking at the contents of her closet.
3) The “I have to pretend I’m offended, but I secretly love that you said my butt ‘is the reason why God invented eyes’” sigh.
4) The initial reaction sigh when she discovers that you grew facial hair. (Important to note that female sighs care not for irony.)
5) The “I just realized I’m wrong, but we both know I’m not going to admit it, so I am going to pretend I find you too tedious to continue discussing this with” sigh.
6) The unmistakable sigh when a celebrity she doesn’t know personally, and will never meet, has the audacity to have a tacky wedding or improperly name their child.
7) The “Oh I’m just checking to see if you’re paying attention” sigh.
8) The sigh you hear from the kitchen when she realizes that your late night foraging resulted in the wasting of expensive French cheese on your ignorant palate, when it was obviously meant to be experienced during an informative and uplifting viewing of ABC’s The Bachelor.
9) The entrapment sigh. ”You heard a sigh? Interesting. Guilty conscience? What have you done that would make me sigh?” Tip: Do NOT admit to how much time you spent looking at pictures of Anne Hathaway dressed as Catwoman. I can’t stress that enough.
10) The phantom sigh. She’s out of town, yet you still hear it echo in the corners of darkened rooms. It’s just… chilling.
11) She caught you writing about her different sighs on the internet. This particular sigh is followed by a glint in her eye as she remembers that she knows the passwords to all your fantasy sports teams.
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Tagged J/K, Lists, Monogamy, Rants, Stereotypes
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how about a”this piece is sexist and riddled with errors” sigh?
number 5…i must admit you called it
How about the “really you’re going to be bothered to be offended by a silly post about sighs that’s funny” sigh.
How about a sigh b/c everytime men write of women someone will call it sexist/misogynistic in the comment section
only when it’s sexist and misogynistic
Damn, man. Your girlfriend knowing passwords to your email or bank account can be forgiven; but the ones to fantasy sports? Really??
Hey, can someone explain to me why fantasy sports is not like one of those geeky activities you kind of have to be closeted about in mainstream/non-total-geek society like M:TG or D&D or LARPing or whatever?
Because it’s about sports, and therefore “normal”.
ARE YOU PETERBD
it’s just the dorkiest thing I can think of, I can’t think of anything dorkier than fantasy sports
do you consider this piece to be either? I’m interested in why, if so? Seems like a cutesy article about his girlfriend sighing at him. My girlfriend sighs at me all the time. And women will do sighs to their significant others. can’t see how this could be sexist or misogynistic.
I do. I think the opener sums it up:
“Good fellows of the internet, there are many different types of female sighs. Just like snowflakes and Kardashians, they’re unique, but, you know, pretty much exactly the same.”
I guess it can be seen as sexist but… it can also be seen as harmless and funny and maybe we shouldn’t take it too seriously.
sorry, i was too busy being existentially defeated by the contents of my closet while reading celebrity gossip to realize how nonsexist this post is. good thing the bachelor’s almost on – i could use a spiritual pick-me-up.
I’m sensing some genuine bitterness here. You do know that us ladies sigh in good ways, right? Or perhaps you’ve just never managed to coax one of those satisfied sighs from a woman before.
Anne Hathaway without eyebrows… sigh
Seems women write things like that all the time about “guys.” Seems women do similar things in similar situations just like men. Seems a double standard that women can write about “men” in general and men cannot. I think the author gets points for being cutesy. I do see what your saying though.
I know my existentialist crisis is at hand also. Love in dialogue no hate
this is funny and well written and i don’t understand why anyone would be upset by this (if you are, please explain – i really don’t understand). if anything we should applaud him for revealing some of the deep mysteries of our hint-dropping/passive-antics
Allow me to explain. First of all, it is written as if it is educating the reader about all women–that we all are stubborn, bitchy gossip freaks who simply loathe our boyfriends for petty reasons. I don’t know about you, but I can’t relate to any of these and my boyfriend can’t either. Secondly, even if it were simply “11 Different Ways MY Girlfriend Sighs At ME” it is filled with language so genuinely bitter, sarcastic and hostile that you wonder if he actually likes his girlfriend at all or just finds her o be petty, annoying and bitchy. It is highly stereotypical. I’m shocked there wasn’t a “period sigh”on here, that’s how stereotypical it was.
… oh for Chrissake, please stop using the internet.
HA! SUBMARINE! that’s a weird book/movie to reference when choosing an internet persona…
i just did all of these sighs audibly. it was fun, and your girlfriend sounds adorable. i’d definitely read a webcomic about you two and your pet rats.
could it possibly be… IRONY!?!? on the INTERNET!??! oh, no way. nope. just stereotypical asshole male chauvinistic ranting. clearly.
Keep in mind that pretty much all of the Thought Catalog articles that write about a certain group–women, men, hipsters, children, old people, whatever–are stereotyping. This does not mean that the writer thinks ALL WOMEN EVERYWHERE do this. Fucking DUH. Congratulations, you and your boyfriend are different! If you can’t see the humor in this, then I feel terrible for you.
omg i love you
Normal and awesome.
Title had potential. Sexist piece though, not to mention unoriginal and boring.
Title had potential. Sexist piece though, not to mention unoriginal and boring.
it was treated as such for many many years. the whole, “stat geeks, live in their mother’s basement bloggers” thing was prevelent for a long time. i think with the advent of statistical analysis being used to win champioships allowed for following stats (and not “intangibles” like clutchness and leadership) to be more accepted. Also, it’s really fun and gained a huge following.
The fact that you use “coax” as a euphemism for sex tells me you’re not ready to have one of those sighs.
The fact that you use “coax” as a euphemism for sex tells me you’re not ready to have one of those sighs.
ZING!
I thought it was cute! Some people just find a reason to be upset about everything. I hope your girlfriend finds this as cute and funny as most of us did!
what kind of sigh did you give when you read this?
i don’t see what girls have against fantasy sports
Sheesh. Some people seem to WANT to be offended. Why else would they choose to be offended by this rather than just lightening the fuck up and enjoying the humour?
I’m female, and while this girlfriend character doesn’t describe me in the least I still thought it was cute. Just plain cute, not sinister or misogynistic or bitter in the least. Well done, Writerman.
I definitely gave you a sigh here. The “omfg here goes another making the rest of us look horrible” sigh.
Hehehe DeWolf, I’m glad you’re writing for TC. So cute. :)