Pseudo-Intellectualism For Beginners
Ned Charles Kirner presents a guide to saying nothing at all in seven easy steps.
Whoops! You missed the boat. Maybe it wasn’t cool to debate things rationally in school. Maybe you had too much pride to learn anything from arguments with your peers. Or maybe you simply spent your younger years engaged in activities-other-than-thinking.
Now your Facebook feed is cluttered with posts that you don’t understand. All your new friends are having interesting debates without you. It’s perfectly understandable that you’re feeling a little isolated! Anyone would!
Whether you’ve spent most of your life avoiding the derogatory moniker of “clever” or got good grades in primary school and have clung desperately to it with the thoughtless stubbornness of a dog with one end of something in its mouth, you no longer have to feel left out! You no longer have to feel stupid! There’s an easy solution, no actual thought required!
Pseudo-Intellectualism might be for you!
At it’s core, it means appearing to value and possess rationality and intelligence without exercising either. It’s talking in a profound fashion for half an hour without really saying anything at all.
“But hold on!” I hear you cry, “Why can’t I insult people for being nerds like we did in high school?” Oh sweetheart… oh pumpkin. You’re in the adult world now. Grown-ups generally look down upon an irrational hatred of thinking. If you want undeserved validation these days, you’ll need to exercise a little subtlety.
Don’t worry. Just because you’ll be appearing to use your brain, doesn’t mean you’ll actually have to. No pesky reasoning required here. I’ve broken this down into an easy step-by-step guide, which, while tailored to internet interaction is perfectly usable in verbal communication with a bit of practice. Let’s get started!
STEP 1: Make vague, contentious statements.
Preface them with “I don’t think”. Not just for the irony, this is actually part of a very effective pseudo-intellectual tool.
For example, “I don’t think that the <good part> of <a thing that is good> is as good as people say it is”. Do not, under any circumstances, explain why. There is no why. Be wary, however! If you ONLY make vague, contentious statements it will be very easy for people to see what a vapid, brainless husk you are. Make sure you…
STEP 2: Package them with disconnected, indisputable facts.
These facts only have to be tangentially related to the original statement. In fact the more tenuously connected they are, the better. They will inspire confusion in your audience, throwing their predatory intellects off the scent of your underdeveloped and fearful psyche.
Consider this: “I don’t think that the cinematography in the Social Network is as good as people say it is. Trent Reznor did the soundtrack, which is really good and I really like Nine Inch Nails, especially the song Starfuckers Inc. He’s a very talented individual, but that’s just my opinion!”
Which brings us to…
STEP 3: It’s just my opinion!
This powerful (and unnecessary; of course it’s your opinion) statement allows you to use humility as a tower shield. By adopting the manner of a puppy bearing it’s vulnerable belly in adorable supplication, you make it that much harder for people to kick you right in the logical inconsistencies without looking like dicks.
However, sometimes people will. The dicks. A true Pseudo-Intellectual must always make counter arguments. So be prepared with…
STEP 4: That’s just YOUR opinion!
Having devalued your own opinion with false humility already, you are now socially permitted to go on the offensive. Rather than trying to engage opponents on a rational level, use seemingly common-sense phrases to neuter reason itself. They’re going to try and find a solid ground to engage you on; they’ll try to steer your vagaries into logical waters. Don’t let them! Make the argument about nothing, and they won’t have a leg to stand on.
“Look that’s your opinion and I respect it, it’s a perfectly valid viewpoint and I understand where you’re coming from. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions and I think it’s great that we can discuss issues like this, even when we disagree.”
Now that you’ve established what a tolerant free thinker you are (and in the process completely ignored their rational argument) its time to be contentious and…
STEP 5: Hide boldly behind the skirts of popular ideologies.
This is a great alternative to having a carefully considered viewpoint. State something obvious that isn’t related to the core debate, but do so in such a way that makes you seem like an arbiter of reason, dispensing radical profundities to the unenlightened masses.
“You may not like her song, but women have every right to express themselves and feel sexy.”
“Really we can argue about Picasso all day but there are larger issues like the damage we are doing to our environment.”
“I understand that you disagree with my opinion of female comedians, and you are allowed to disagree, and I also believe that gay people should be allowed to marry. It’s unacceptable that they can’t!”
You aren’t just using popular opinion to create a false air of dashing controversiality; you’re effectively laying a minefield. If your opponent isn’t very careful, people might mistake their attempts to address the emptiness of your initial point with them being a sexist, racist or fascist.
STEP 6: Educate your audience.
Teachers are respected—be a teacher. Don’t settle for arguing points people already believe; define things that people already know. This is a great way to make it seem like you are saying deep and interesting things, to the point you might even believe it yourself.
“Husbands who hit their wives are abusive.”
“Music is in itself enjoyable.”
“People who eat meat are not living a vegetarian lifestyle.”
“Patriarchy is fundamentally sexist.”
STEP 7: Restate everything.
If all else fails, ninety percent of your unformatted rebuttals can consist of you restating something that has already been said as though you are arguing against an opinion that hasn’t been stated.
This technique is so powerful, you can use it to appear contentious and rational without having to disagree with anyone or anything. If someone posts their thoughts or links an opinion piece, responding with a ten paragraph rewording of the material sprinkled liberally with “It’s just my opinion” and the vague, contentious statements you learned about in step one will have people gasping with admiration.
Above all, remember that this is just the beginning! There is a world of alternatives to rationality, and I truly believe that these seven little steps can assist you in your tireless quest for praise. But that’s just my opinion.