10 Ways to Not Get Laid in College

by Campus King on March 30, 2010

spacer Heads up: This piece of from Playboy’s underrated PlayboyU Channel.

By John DeVore

After 112 semesters of college, we know what we’re talking about when it comes to failing miserably at hooking up with the ladies. Learn from our mistakes, gentlemen. All you have to do is the opposite of these sage, hard-won tips, and you’ll be the campus ’Nanny Master.

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10. Stack Your Facebook Page with Douchenozzle Pics

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: First of all, make sure you don’t have more pictures than you do friends. Secondly, make sure those pictures aren’t of you A) flashing gang signs, B) holding up a fan of cash money or C) lifting your shirt to reveal your six-, three- or no-pack. Lastly, if you have more than one picture of you heaving a giant bottle of vodka like a mighty scepter, then you might want to discover the delete function. It goes without saying that your MySpace page should not have been updated at all since you were 14.

9. Lock Yourself in Your Dorm Room

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: The first step to meeting women is to actually go out and meet them. Every great journey begins with one step and that is out the door. There is always that one guy who’s texting BFF Mommy about his new “experiences,” or is nobly committed to his Call of Duty 4 unit (thus neglecting his more important “unit”) or is crouching on his haunches in a dark corner, muttering about his “precious.” Not only does that guy not get any, he grows up to be that guy who collects baby doll heads and talks to his ferrets.

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8. Dress Like “Jon & Kate + 8′s” Jon Gosselin

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: Just because the near-elderly 30-something baby daddy of eight is nailing college-age girls doesn’t mean you have to sport trendy, patterned fat shirts, backward ball caps and a jaw beard that barely conceals your jowls. This man is a lost soul, and much like the Ghost of Christmas Future, he portends poorly for all college-age dudes who roll into parties looking like a parody of a frat boy subjected to gamma radiation and transformed into The Incredible Jackhole. Maybe, if your castrating wife eats your soul, you can dress like this. But not until then. Trust us.

7. Reek Like Ass Jam and/or Mythological Beasts

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: For some strange reason, women prize personal hygiene. One of the downsides to all of the sweet, sweet freedom you’re enjoying is you have the choice to forgo bathing, preferring instead to spend that time de-seeding…stuff. Don’t say we didn’t warn you: The ladies don’t dig man funk. Also: refrain from whore-bathing in body sprays, especially ones named after imaginary creatures. You’ll just stink like human gravy, as well as a “phoenix” or “sphinx” or “minotaur.” Whatever those smell like.

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6. Pass Out and Become a Human Canvas

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: Another way to never, ever crunch it with any human female is to publicly pass out and have an amateur Picasso decorate your grill with crude drawings of penises and testicles. Sadly, allowing yourself to wake up adorned with kaknbawls scrawled in Sharpie all over you does not a positive impression make. But you know this to be true. And if you don’t, then you’re in good company. The world is full of 22-year-old virgins who were known as “Sack Face” back in school.


5. Give Off That “To Catch a Predator” Vibe

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: Did she just glance over at you? Wait, twice? Is it because she thinks you’re cute, or is it because you’ve spent the past hour drilling holes in the back of her head with your supremely creepy rapey eyes? The answer is she’s terrified of you, and with good reason. Your social skills need some tweaking, son. Women do not like to be molested by drooling, emotional cripples and their X-ray vision. Get a grip. You’ll have a better chance of getting laid if you stare blankly at the wall.

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4. They are not figurines, they are action figures

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: Congratulations, she came back to your place! The futon sheets are basically clean. Death Cab for Cutie is playing on iTunes. The incense is lit. Wolverine and the Joker have both been dusted, and sit prominently on…oh, come on, dude. They’re dolls, not collector’s items. She sees those, the next thing she’s imagining is you sitting in your tighty whiteys, playing with your tiny super people and giving them serious, macho voices. At the very least, buy a velvet-lined oak chest so you can store your little friends, if just for a night.

3. Projectile vomit during beer pong

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: You have proven your social worth with feats of amazingness. Truly, you are the Chuck Liddell of Beer Pong. But your pre-game of Gatorade and grain didn’t sit well with the Noah’s flood of beer you were quaffing. So now you’re a swamp donkey. The thick rope of vomit you then magically pulled out of your mouth might win you a prize with the other doddering piles of drunken humanity cheering you on, but the ladies? Not so much. Unless you plan on making out with a chick who likewise has a mouth full of dinner.

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2. Play Like a “Pick-Up Artist”

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: Women are wise to this racket. Plus, what are you going to do? Give yourself a nickname like “Warchild” or “The Blaze” and wear big shiny silver belt buckles? Maybe a boa and a top hat? Actually having confidence is preferable to pretending to have confidence. Also: The practice of “negging,” whereby you slyly put down women in order to show how much you don’t care, is also called “being a bitch.” Keep it real-esque. The best way to sleep with women is to like them in the first place, anyway.

1. Put Your Bros Before Hos, Every Single Time

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: Take your arm from around your best bro-dawg friend’s neck and let him breathe a little. Loyalty and trust are admirable virtues, especially in war, coal mines and the mob. But at a party? There is nothing that is a bigger she-boner killer than a tightly-packed trio or quartet of dudes stumbling around like some testosterone-jacked, bizarro-world version of the Sex and the City women. Never screw a friend over because of a woman—you know that. But none of you will ever even get a chance to make that choice if you’re hanging onto each other like Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of Titanic. Go solo.

Facebook image via
Malibu’s Most Wanted/Warner Bros.; Gosselin image via QueensOfRandom; Human canvas image via Garden State/Fox Searchlight; Other images by staff
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Long Live The King:
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Tagged as: campus, college, funny, get laid, guide, humor

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UNPLUGGED WEDNESDAYS : MANKIND UNPLUGGED | Guy Stuff. Girl's View.
March 31, 2010 at 4:57 pm
Monday Links: Drugged up at the Dentist, Crazy Pakistani Biker, RESIDENT EVIL 4, Michelle Hunziker, Mystery Booty, Sebastian Bach vs. Bottle-Thrower, MEGADETH in AZ, Jaime Hammer, Selina, Crystal Klein, | FOUNDRYNEWS.com
April 5, 2010 at 6:38 pm

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