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How My Cat Violated the Geneva Convention

Written on May 23, 2011 by Lori in Humor

Somewhere in the story that I’m about to tell it is possible that I was stupid in epically grotesque proportions.

But we’re not going to talk about that.

We’re going to talk about how a certain cat that shall remain nameless but who is fat is going to have to be pretty damned nice to me for a while or I’m going to turn him in to The Hague.

The Hague is still where we prosecute war-crimes, right? It hasn’t been turned into a McDonald’s yet, or anything?

And no, technically I’m not “at war” with the cats in my house, but I’m sure any place that prosecutes war crimes is interested in those who engage in previously de-sanctioned hostile activities. Assuming that they’re not now asking if you want supersized french fries with your indictments.

I went to a baby shower on Friday where I won a prize bag for being able to unscramble the most baby words in 3 minutes. Although somehow I was able to turn “rumloaf” into formula and “noiese” into “onesie” but couldn’t turn “efedebringast” into breastfeeding. I clearly have hang-ups.

Anyway, I brought home a bag full of prizes with tissue paper merrily peeking up through the top.

The certain cat, the one who shall remain nameless until later in this post when it annoys me to keep saying that, thought the tissue paper was his.

And I, because I have the IQ of a brine shrimp, thought it was cute.

You know, like tire irons and hoses are cute.

So I started tossing the tissue paper up in the air and watching the nameless replica of a mountain lion spring from the floor to the height of my head in order to snatch said tissue paper mid-air.

I laughed. Cause stupid people always laugh before the pain comes.

I tired of the game, but the cat did not. Or maybe the cat was resentful that all this tissue paper maulage had not resulted in haunch of antelope. The offender is pleading the fifth so I’ll never know.

One scrap of tissue paper remained on the floor, and I bent over to pick it up.

In a move so fast I could barely see it, Nimbus swiped his paw at me, razor talons extended, and hooked my right ringer finger under the edge of the fingernail. Not at the top of the nail, at the side of the nail. His curved needle claw slid under the side of my fingernail and pierced me.

Oh my friggin’ god!

I’ll skip the part where I had to force soap and antiseptic ointment under my own fingernail and almost threw up, because you might be eating breakfast now and don’t need to consider that little factlet too hard. We’re also gonna just gloss right over who exactly started this game.

Let’s focus instead on my cat the war criminal.

I think sticking things under fingernails is considered torture. In fact, I’m QUITE SURE I recall that bamboo shoots under fingernails is classified as torture and it is banned. BANNED BANNED BANNED! And it’s not a far leap from cat claws to bamboo shoots for a skilled international prosecutor who understands these things and wants to put away wicked little felines who engage in such atrocities against the women who feed, shelter and clean up litter boxes after them!

So I think if he doesn’t want me to place an anonymous call to the Netherlands, little Viet Cong Kitty should walk a pretty damned straight line for a while.

I’ve got the International Court of Justice on speed dial. Or, a McDonald’s in Leidschendam. Like I’d know the difference.

ALSO – Your Child Talking and I are featured today on Nicole’s wonderful blog, By Word Of Mouth Musings! Go check it out!

24 Comments - Leave a comment!Tags: I once had a WORSE experience with something going under my nail but I'm not going to tell you about it today, my finger hurt for three days, my mother freaked me out by mentioning tetanus shots because mothers are like that

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24 Responses to How My Cat Violated the Geneva Convention

hoodyhoo
May 23, 2011 | 5:09 am

YOWCH! Just, YOWCH! My worst cat-related injury was when one of them bit me THROUGH MY LIP in an attempt to steal the potato chip I was currently in the process of eating.

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Thoughts Appear
May 23, 2011 | 5:16 am

OUCH! Esme has gotten me several times, but never like that.

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stacey@Havoc&Mayhem
May 23, 2011 | 6:01 am

One of my cats did not like the idea of being put in a cat carrier & stuck his claw in my face. Fortunately Dh was home because it was literally STUCK in my cheek & had to pull it back out to keep it from ripping any more skin than the cat already had.

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WTH am I Doing
May 23, 2011 | 6:59 am

Ooooh. Owowowowow.

Aren’t pets awesome? I’ve had a number of feline injuries over the years. Altho the injury that sticks out the most to me at the moment, came from the loaf chihuahua.

I was dressed for bed a couple weeks ago (by dressed, I mean in a tank top & pj bottoms) & the stupid loaf was jumping at me from the bed. I was not paying adequate attention to her. Might I also mention that said loaf needs a manicure. Badly. Long nails.

She jumped at me and managed to scratch my boob. My braless, pregnant (hence uber-sensitive) boob.

Sadly, she was able to run under the bed before the tears cleared & I could punt her. *sigh*

I do have a good cat picture tho. I’ll email. :)

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- WTH am I Doing
  May 23, 2011 | 7:01 am
  
  Oh, & when I say scratch? I mean she dug out flesh from the most sensitive of spots. It was bad.
  
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Alison@Mama Wants This
May 23, 2011 | 7:30 am

Oh OUCH. A few years ago, a kitten that I’d rescued went merrily berserk on me when I tried to pet her. She managed to get her claw into the side of my thumb, under the nail. The result? Fungus.

Ew you say. It was because moisture started seeping into the nail via the hole left by the dang cat claw. Half my nail started ‘dying’ and within 2 weeks, the whole nail fell off.

Not that I’m trying to freak you out or anything…..

Prosecute the offending cat!!!

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Stacey
May 23, 2011 | 7:33 am

That hurts so bad! I’ve done similar things and my kitties are still living.

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liz
May 23, 2011 | 8:52 am

Anything under the nail is killer; I can’t imagine a cat nail scratch.

Also because I get cat scratch fever.

I could just imagine my finger blowing up.

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julie gardner
May 23, 2011 | 9:16 am

Is there really such a thing as cat scratch fever?

I thought that was just a really cool song.

(sorry about your finger. super-sized fries sound perfect for this situation. just don’t let nimbus play with the red & yellow striped carton…)

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tracy
May 23, 2011 | 10:25 am

Oh Yeouch. I hope your finger can be saved. Maybe a new manicure?

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Laura
May 23, 2011 | 11:20 am

There you go again, forgetting just who is in charge around there. I’m quite certain he-who-shall-not-be-named isn’t even considering walking a straight line, but rather, splayed in a sunny carpeted spot plotting the demise of freshly planted potted flowers. Cause cute as they are, cats are evil like that.

On an unrelated note — are the awesome masthead bubbles and ribbons supposed to show behind the top 1/3 of all new posts? Or is my browser on strike?

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CDG
May 23, 2011 | 11:47 am

Owwwwwwww!

We gave our cat to a new family for less than that.
Well, maybe not. But close.

Ow.

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Yuliya
May 23, 2011 | 11:48 am

That was a harrowing tale. Let me know how Nimbus enjoys the nursing home…cause where else are you going to send him?

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Poppy
May 23, 2011 | 7:47 pm

I knew I liked Topaz better.

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Cheryl @ Mommypants
May 23, 2011 | 8:23 pm

Huh. DOGS never do stuff like that. They’d just wait til you walked out of the room, eat all the paper and the bag, too, and possibly barf it out later.

See? MUCH better.

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Tracie
May 23, 2011 | 10:29 pm

UNDER your nail???

O.U.C.H.

The fact that cat is still alive is a miracle!

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jedwardswright
May 24, 2011 | 12:54 pm

The title of this post is one of the reasons I love you, Lori! Let me count the ways…
Jodi

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The Flying Chalupa
May 24, 2011 | 4:08 pm

Cause stupid people always laugh before the pain comes – you are so funny. I’m laughing both before AND after the pain. Your pain, that is.

Dude, I’d lock Nimbus up. And threaten de-clawing.

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alonewithcats
May 24, 2011 | 5:32 pm

“stupid people always laugh before the pain comes.”

That’s the best line I’ve read all day.

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Sue Campbell
May 25, 2011 | 9:52 am

The horror. The absolute horror.

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Sherri
May 26, 2011 | 1:19 pm

Holy cat claws, that hurts! I had a hamster bite me under the nail once, with those nasty-long rodent teeth and GOOD LORD it hurts!!

I was with you on the cuteness of the tissue-paper and the kitty until then.

But I’m worried you may never post again if you can’t get your finger healed up!

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Kate
May 27, 2011 | 7:30 pm

and this is why louis does not have claws. the end.

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a snowsprite
May 30, 2011 | 7:14 pm

The title of this post had me laughing before I read anything else. O man eeeeeee! Cat claws=major hurt anyway and getting stuff under your nail is super painful. I can’t imagine the two together. Hope your finger is ok. Oh, and I do love his name.

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Staci
June 30, 2011 | 3:45 pm

I honest to goodness haven’t laughed this hard in months. This has to be one of the funniest posts EVER. I couldn’t even see through the tears!

And the cat? He’s soooo laughing at you…you know that, right?

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