Holly’s cheerleading competition was apparently a cheerleading exhibition which is wayyy better because we didn’t have to hang around all day for awards.  I had not seen their routine before Sunday because I am one of those mothers who idles in the parking lot playing solitaire on my phone, but after seeing the exhibition, I have come to the following conclusion: cheerleading is dangerous! Jesus H!

Holly was like 15 feet in the air half the time and was thrown like a hackysack several times and they even carried her around holding on to just her foot.  FOOT. Singular.  I still haven’t figured out why she’s afraid to do a back handspring when she’s not afraid to get carried around by her foot.

She’s a funny kid, though. She had asked me to record “19 Kids and Counting” because she has a weird fascination with The Duggars (and really, who doesn’t). We watched the first episode last night and I have to say it was dead ass boring, UNTIL. Michelle Duggar was going to a bible study group and was collecting her handouts and one was a treatise on how to maintain your husband’s “manliness.” And it included shit like “Don’t be financially independent” and “Don’t resist your husband’s affections” and “Don’t make your own decisions” and “Don’t listen to ANYONE, REALLY, EXCEPT YOUR HUSBAND HUSBAND HUSBAND”  and I went OFF and paused the t.v. and starting ranting and told Holly, “Listen, you must never ever ever believe any of that shit, ever, I’m serious, listen to me when I tell you…” and she rolled her eyes and was all, “Okay mom, I won’t and besides I’m NEVER wearing those heinous long skirts so you don’t need to worry.”

It’s not about the skirts! But ha!

I don’t care how many babies Michelle Duggar has, but I do care that she is teaching her daughters that they have no worth in any context other than husband-worshipper.  Fuck that shit. I’m surprised she doesn’t call him “Mr. Duggar.” Actually, that’s infinitely preferable to “Jim Bob.”  JIM BOB.

I got Elliot signed up for a dorm room next year (hope springs eternal). KU had this great deal – if a  student decides to return to the dorms for a second year, he has the option to get a single room for the double room price. The rooms are in one of the older dorms, but Elliot didn’t care (Adaptability!).   I would have killed for a single dorm room. I’m sure my roommate would have too, since I snored.

Running shit:

On Sunday, I ran 1.6 miles without stopping.

Here’s why people get all disgusting and philosophical about running: it isn’t about running.  The idea of running for 20 minutes was ridiculous to me. I was positive I couldn’t do it. Tim was like, “I think you can do it.” I was like, “WHATEVER, you don’t even know.”  He said logical things like, “In January, you didn’t think you could run for 90 seconds.” I said, “YOU JUST DON’T EVEN KNOW.”

As I did the warm up walk, I was all fussy and felt like crying, for pete’s sake. CRYING. Just because I didn’t think I could run 20 minutes. What’s more, I didn’t even want to try.

I don’t like to try things when I think there is a high probability I will fail.  And I think this is a good philosophy, for the most part. Right? Why set yourself up to lose?  But the key to that statement is “high probability I will fail.” There was a very low probability I would fail in this case, and I have trouble telling the difference.

The Couch to 5K app actually helped. As I headed out, the little screen said, “Don’t let this run scare you. Just keep a steady pace. You’ve been training for this for 5 weeks.” In my case I had been training for it for 9 weeks, since I did four of the weeks twice.   I had the robot voice set up to notify me every five minutes and when it notified me that I’d run 15 minutes for 1.17 miles I almost stopped in disbelief.   That was my goal when I started this – not a 5K, but running a mile without stopping. I said, out loud, “I DID IT!” and did a really embarrassing Rocky sort of thing. I knew I was going to be able to finish the 20 minutes and it really wasn’t going to be all that hard. And when I was done I was like, well, goddamn. I wonder what other things I could have done in my life if I’d trained for nine weeks and then gave it a shot.  Now I suppose I have to run a 5K.

I’m leaving early today so I can get home and put on Holly’s whorish make up for her cheerleading competition dress rehearsal, which is at 4:30. Way to respect the working mother, KC Cheer.  Oh, I also have to put her hair in big round sausage curls using this bizarre curling iron that is all barrel and no clamp. And of course there’s a bow. I don’t even want to talk about the bow. What [...]

Can we talk about Hoarders and Intervention? No, don’t run away, ye folks who don’t watch these shows! Start watching! Well, unless you have a weak stomach, because DAMN this season there are some FILTHY-ASS houses on Hoarders. God. There was this one lady whose toilet stopped working so she decided to just start wearing diapers and she SAVED THEM AND THE SHIT INSIDE THEM.  There was another lady whose house smelled so bad family [...]

The 5th grade Valentine’s skating party was deemed “okay” by Holly.  A kid fell and broke his ankle, so that was a buzzkill, apparently.  She won the limbo and during the “Friends Skate” (IN MY DAY, it was called the “Couples Skate”) she paired up with her friend Jillian but then got irritated because she was going too slow and threw her over for her friend Abby, who can skate like crazy. My daughter is [...]

Yesterday, when I was throwing opinions around about various media things, I forgot to talk about how I watched Bridesmaids and was underwhelmed. Well, wait. I liked the movie. It was very funny and I appreciated how Kristen Wiig dialed it back a notch and I agree with everyone everywhere about Melissa McCarthy, but as far as being a TRAILBLAZING WOMEN-EMPOWERING EVENT, nah. It was just a Judd Apatow movie with women.  I like Judd [...]