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February 14, 2012

I can’t think of Valentine’s Day without thinking of this day two years ago.

I was single, lovesick and beyond weary. Weary of Aaron’s inability to commit to me, to be with me, to choose to make a life with me.

At this time two years ago, there wasn’t an us. I didn’t know the Aaron who’d bake oatmeal cookies for me. I didn’t know the Aaron who’d spend hours editing videos and photos for my website. I didn’t know the Aaron who’d randomly leave love notes around our apartment just because.

The Aaron I knew two years ago was an Aaron who was pretty certain that he wasn’t able to give me what I needed. This disappointment was something he communicated to me time and time again, in big and small ways: Not returning my calls or texts; flaking out on my passive-aggressive invitations to hangout; and outright telling me that he was afraid he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

On Valentine’s 2010, we’d been dating for nearly a year, and in that time I had told him about my journey, about my childhood, about my transition. He knew everything about me, yet was still reluctant to commit to me. And like most women with father issues, I blamed myself, my past, internalizing his rejection, his ability to communicate that he didn’t want to be in a relationship, as a reflection of my self-worth, or lack thereof.

After nearly a year of in-between, no-title, no-commitment dating, I could no longer live in limbo. Aaron had a hold of my heart, but had no desire to take on the responsibility to handle it with care. So with no Valentine and no date, I got a knock on my door.

January 30, 2012

Janet’s sick and Aaron takes care of her in episode 23 of The Missing Piece Podcast.

Get Episode 23 on iTunes

Janet’s physical breakdown enables Aaron to pick up the slack and help her through a vulnerable time in her life – something Janet is reluctant to allow anyone to do. It opens up an opportunity to talk about what it means to truly trust someone and to really let someone provide for you.

Listen now as Janet and Aaron discuss vulnerability and letting someone truly take care of you.

Subscribe to the Missing Piece Podcast on iTunes

January 16, 2012

Janet and Aaron discuss their rules of transparency and self-evaluation in the 22nd episode of The Missing Piece Podcast.

Get Episode 22 on iTunes

After such a heartbreaking previous episode, Aaron and Janet wonder when revealing too much becomes too much. They also discuss their established boundaries of transparency, what it means to self-assess and Janet’s enlivened process of writing her forthcoming memoir.

Listen now as Janet and Aaron continue to naval-gaze their way through another saccharine-sweet podcast.

Subscribe to the Missing Piece Podcast on iTunes

January 11, 2012

“It’s like hurting my heart.”
-transgender Girl Scout Bobby Montoya

When I was 14, I was excited to stay the night at a classmate’s slumber party. This sleepover was all the freshman girls were talking about at school for months and I got an invite because I let Julie, the birthday girl, look over my shoulder during social studies pop quizzes.

With my pillow and pajamas packed, I arrived at her door amped to enjoy my very first girls’ night out and show off my new Tamagotchi pet. We stuffed our faces with pizza and played rounds of Truth or Dare and Would You Rather and MASH (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House).

We were girls. Innocent, silly, obsessed with Rose and Jack, and slightly bitchy at our meanest. Then my friend’s mother called the birthday girl into the kitchen. As I was brushing my teeth and readying for bed with my gal pals, Julie tapped me on the shoulder.

“I’m sorry but my mom doesn’t get it,” she started. “She said only girls can sleepover.”

“I totally get it,” I said with my best smile because it wasn’t my party and I couldn’t cry if I wanted to.

It was my first reminder as a trans girl that just when I think I’m having fun being me, me isn’t always understood. I could be called out because of my genitals, made to feel less than because of our society’s limited perspective on gender and told to leave a friend’s party because of the separation we’ve built around gender identity, gender expression and its blurriness with sexual orientation. It was as if the mere presence of my tucked weewee under my Keroppi PJs was a danger to the other girls around me.

This is what I was reminded of when I saw 14-year-old Girl Scout “Taylor” urging a boycott of Girl Scouts Cookies on YouTube because the organization is inclusive of transgender girls. Taylor, who read from a script most likely created by angry and misguided adults from HonestGirlScouts.com, claims safety as an issue, cites bathroom-use hysteria and discomfort in regards to sleepover arrangements. She confuses sexual orientation with gender identity throughout her video and goes as far as misgendering transgender girls as “transgender boys.”

January 9, 2012

Janet’s never been more vulnerable than she is in episode 21 of The Missing Piece Podcast.

Get Episode 21 on iTunes

After feeling insecure and vulnerable about his web series, Aaron turns the tables on Janet, calling her out on her progress (or lack thereof) as a writer. Feeling attacked, Janet unexpectedly breaks down, opening the floodgates to deeper issues within herself and their relationship.

Listen now as Janet and Aaron have their most revealing conversation yet.

Subscribe to the Missing Piece Podcast on iTunes