MiscarriageHelp.com
Miscarriage: The emotional roller coaster.
by Ellen DuBois on 03/16/12
Hi Ellen-
I just happened on your website and wanted to say thank you. I was 5 weeks pregnant when I miscarried last week. My husband and I were beginning to think we couldn't have kids after 2 1/2 years of trying. Needless to say I am devestated. Neither my gyno nor the ER doctor told me I would be on an emotional roller coaster like I am. Thank you for validating my feelings. My friends and family don't always know how to comfort me. None of the women in my immediate family have ever had this experience.
-Megan
Dear Megan,
I am so sorry for your loss. Please extend that to your husband, too. I wish you didn't have to find my site, but am glad you stumbled upon it because you found degree of comfort. I know nothing takes your pain away. However, knowing others have lived through similar losses and have gone through all the ups and downs helps you feel more 'normal"- more connected.
One moment at a time is the only way to take things, and I know it's difficult. Please know I am here if you ever want to write again. Sometimes, just 'writing it out' helps you heal. I think it's because you're digging through some of your emotions and letting them out. I wrote a lot after my miscarriage- poems, songs, anything to help sift through the tidal waves of raw emotion that seemed to come when I least expected it.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and Light,
Ellen
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Miscarriage: Grief- Anyone grieving deserves better.
by Ellen DuBois on 03/09/12
My response to the changes to the Bereavement Exclusion in the 2013 American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5 and my hat is off to Joanne Cacciatore: (Click here for the full story).
"Proposed changes to the Bereavement Exclusion in the 2013 American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5 – DSM 5 – have sparked an outcry in the bereavement community, largely due to MISS Foundation founder Dr. Joanne Cacciatore’s March 1, 2012 blog that went viral over the weekend, with more than 75,000 hits through today. The forthcoming DSM 5 allows providers – psychiatrists, social workers, psychologists – to diagnose Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), a serious mental disease, at their discretion two weeks following the death of a loved one. This prescribed timeframe continues to shrink, from one year in DSM III to two months in the last manual, DSM IV."
Ellen's two cents:
"I talk to women (and their families) nearly every day that have lost a baby, or babies, to miscarriage. Months later they are grieving. Years later they still cry. I cannot imagine, nor can I stomach, placing such a short "time frame" on grief- associated with ANY loss. My stomach did a flip when I read the article and quite frankly, I question the entire moral code of those who constructed this 'amendment', if you will. People are not to be reduced to mere numbers in need of medication after a two week period for doing what is human- grieving after a loss of ANY kind. Medication is not the answer. Support from the medical community and society in general is key to riding out the stormy sea of grief. While in some cases medication and therapy are in order, that's a very personal, individualized, case by case measure. Who is anyone to say, "Enough is enough. Your allotted grieving time is over and if you're not over it...here's a pill." Pardon my paraphrasing, but this simply isn't right and to remain tight lipped would completely go against who I am and what I do. Long rant, I know. But, the words had to come out. Ellen, Host of MiscarriageHelp.com and Author of "I Never Held You". "
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Miscarriage: Is this normal?
by Ellen DuBois on 03/07/12
Allyson says:
Hi, I just started reading your book and I commend you on being able to put yourself out there like that. My condolences as well on your loss. I had a miscarriage about 3 weeks ago and I thought I was handling it rather well. I cried...alot, we were upset to say the least. But I went to work 3 days later to get back into a normal routine. Having to tell people was hard because I had told a lot of people that we were expecting. After having a beautiful little girl who is now almost 4, I never thought I'd have to go through this. My thought process had become that I am blessed with an amazing step daughter that lives with us, a beautiful little girl and the best husband I could ask for. Something my friend said resonated with me: One day when I have to leave my children and can only watch from above, I will be greeted by a child that I have so much lost time to make up for with. I bought an Angel necklace and wear it every day. I thought I was really, and surprisingly, okay. However, the past two days I find myself on the verge of tears again and taking me off guard over very random things. Is this normal and do you have any advice on why this might be happening now?
Dear Allyson,I am so sorry for your loss. Healing after losing your baby to miscarriage isn't an easy road, and sometimes it feels like your emotions are all over the place.
That's because they are. Mine were, too. There were times, often months after my miscarriage, I'd cry and it seemed to be 'out of the blue'. I, much like you, was very caught off guard. It wasn't until time had passed, and it's different for all of us, I realized I was still grieving- even after I'd gotten back into my routine.
So, do I think it's normal? Yes. Do I have any words of advice? I suppose I do. I'm no expert, other than I've lived what you're living. I gently suggest you go easy on yourself and try to understand that as with any loss, there are days that are better and days that are worse. It's hard to tell what the triggers most the time. Sometimes, it obvious, i.e., seeing a pregnant woman or a mother with her newborn.
Baby commercials used to cause the tears to flow from me.
I learned that crying wasn't a step back and wasn't abnormal. It was all part of healing. Not much time has passed since your loss, and although you count your blessings, like your beautiful children, it doesn't take away from your grief. What it means is that you're grateful for the wonderful family you've got, but miss the one you never got hold, see, touch.
The necklace you wear is probably much like the one I got and still wear, and it's been twenty years for me. I still find great comfort in it because it represents that baby I loved and still do.
Your friend's words were very special and beautiful. I also believe you, along with all of us who have lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, etc., will eventually be reunited on the other side and yes, have a great deal of catching up to do.
Taking your life one day at a time, with its highs and its lows, is the best you can do and it's good enough. You're not expected not to cry or feel...it's okay. I know it hurts, but as you travel the road toward healing, you'll find the tears to be less and the highs to be more. Until then, please allow yourself to feel. Keep a journal if it feels right; plant a tree in honor of your baby; write me anytime. Whatever enables you to express what your heart is telling you. But, please, for your own sake, don't hold your feelings in. It only serves to make things harder for you.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and Light,
Ellen
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MiscarriageHelp.com- Asking for your thoughts and prayers.
by Ellen DuBois on 03/05/12
Hi Everyone,
I hope you're doing well today. I know healing after miscarriage is a day at a time. You do your best, and that varies from moment to moment. Embracing and accepting yourself through this tough time is important to your healing. I guess what I'm saying is "Your best IS good enough." (No matter what anyone else thinks or says).
I always keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and the positive, healing energy that caring, loving thoughts create.
With that being said, I'm asking for your thoughts and prayers for someone dear to me who had her baby prematurely. He is doing well, all things considered, and is in wonderful hands in Boston. He is also in God's hands, and the angels are watching over him- of this I'm sure.
However, tomorrow my friend leaves the hospital while her tiny, but strong, son remains. It's bittersweet. She'll be reunited with her first born son, who isn't even two yet. It's been difficult, to say the least to be away from him and her husband who live over an hour away.
She will make the journey to the hospital as often as she can. Her road has been long, having been in the hospital for over a month on bedrest. She's now facing a new set of worries, fears, anxieties. Yet, her spirit remains high even throughout the midst of all this.
Her heart is filled with gratitude that her son is still with us, under very watchful eyes.
But, she's also afraid, and quite frankly, I would be, too.
Anyone who feels inclined to say a prayer or two...please know it's appreciated more than you know.
By her, and by her little boy born at 28 weeks.
Love and Light,
Ellen
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Miscarriage: Talking about it.
by Ellen DuBois on 03/01/12
Hi Everyone. I hope you are doing as well. One day at a time...
On my facebook page, I posted a comment about how miscarriage is not as 'swept under the rug' as is it used to be, but still is to a degree. Sadly, too many women and their families are left feeling like their loss just didn't matter, or count.
Those of us who have lived it, know this isn't true. Not by a long shot.
I believe we can talk about it, and should, if it's the right thing for you. We all deal with our grief differently. In the end, I know how having your loss validated counts for so much. Why? Because you loved your baby and to have your loss dismissed hurts...deeply.
So, the doors have been opened largely in part to the Internet. I look at the five years that have gone by since MiscarriageHelp.com came to be, and I am both touched and amazed by the number of women, (some men, too), who have shared their hearts here. You are talking, venting, sharing, letting it out in the best way you can and you are heard.
In doing so, we are creating awareness. Miscarriage awareness is vital to so many who lose their babies to miscarriage and feel like silent victims. Awareness creates an open door into society and the medical community. It's one of my greatest wishes that those who lose a baby to miscarriage will be treated with the compassion and warmth they deserve both in the hospital and at home.
Love and Light to you all,
Ellen
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Miscarriage: Finding Some Hope
by Ellen DuBois on 02/29/12
Hi Everyone,
I wanted to give you some positive words for today. They can just sift through your mind. I believe positive thoughts make a huge difference in how we cope, and that's why I want to share this affirmation, taken from two of my books, with you:
"Hope: Hope surrounds me like a warm blanket. I walk through this day with the blanket of hope around me."
I am so sorry for your losses, and each and every one of you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and Light,
Ellen
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Miscarriage: Suffering through ten of them.
by Ellen DuBois on 02/26/12
I have had ten miscarriages. my most recent one being 2-19-12. i find some of them to be very hard and a small few of them 1 or 2 not quite as devastating. i have gotten to the point that i am not sure what i should do. my husband and i have one son (our first born) that we are absolutley greatful for and are coming to a harsh reality that he may be our only one. our miracle baby. i need help and dont know where to turn. please help me! all my love, ashley palmer
Dear Ashley,I am so, so sorry for your losses. I can't even imagine what it's like to go through the pain of ten miscarriages. My heart just aches for you and your husband. I wouldn't know what to do, either. You've experienced a lot of loss, and with each one, you grieve. It must feel like an eternity of grief for you, and again, I am deeply sorry.
Medically, I can't say what I'd do because I'm not a doctor. I don't know what your doctor has said to you. Emotionally, there's a lot of healing to do, and it's not an easy climb. I don't know if you've considered having a memorial of some sort for your babies. This might help bring you some closure. I know it doesn't take away the pain, just like a funeral doesn't when you lose someone you love who lived on this earth. What is does is gives you the chance to say, "I love you. Goodbye and to us you meant the world. You were loved and always will be."
This can be done in so many ways, and it's really a personal choice. You may consider planting a tree in honor of the babies you've lost- or some flowers, etc. I released a balloon into the air many years after my miscarriage and read a letter I'd written to my little one. I felt a great sense of comfort, even though it was a very emotional time.
Where everyone is different, I don't know if talking some of this through with a grief counselor would help, but I wanted to throw the idea your way for you to consider. You've been through an incredible amount of loss and it's so much to carry. I know I'd need to help working it through. Again, counseling is for some, while not for others.
What I can offer is my support, understanding, and my time. I am here to listen. You can vent and I will read your words and care very much about what you're living. It may not be much, but it's genuine. From my heart to yours.
I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and Light to you,
Ellen
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Miscarriage: Caring father looking for miscarriage help for daughter-in-law.
by Ellen DuBois on 02/23/12
My daughter in law just experienced a miscarriage yesterday and I located your book on Amazon. Ellen, are you possibly writing this book from a Christian point of view... that would be important to my daugher in law... if so... great. If not, can you possibly suggest another resource. Thanks so much Ellen!
Dear Bill,
I am deeply sorry for your daughter'-in-law's loss, and that extends to your entire family.
While I am a Christian, and can't help but refer to my faith in parts of my book, I would not call it a Christian only miscarriage support book. I think it'd be unfair to tell you otherwise. In my particular case, I wanted to reach out to all women of all faiths. I would certainly direct your daughter to my miscarriage support site where women connect. I also answer all comments personally: miscarriagehelp.com
While not an expert, I've certainly walked the painful path after miscarriage and share what's in my heart.
Here are a couple of Christian miscarriage support books I found on Amazon.com:
Empty Arms- Description: They are the most dreaded words an expectant mother can hear. As joy and anticipation dissolve into confusion and grief, painful questions refuse to go away: Why me? What did I do wrong? Doesn't God care? With the warmth and compassion of a licensed counselor and a Christian woman who has suffered miscarriage herself, Pam Vredevelt offers sound answers, advice, and reassurance to the woman fighting to maintain faith in this heartbreaking situation. Now in a fresh, contemporary cover, Empty Arms: Emotional Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy is the essential guidebook through the agony of losing a child.
Unforgotten Childres- Description:
'Dear heaven, I've got a lot to say to you today.' Many families have experienced the pain of miscarriage but have trouble exploring those feelings and sharing them with others in order to heal. Kristie Verret is a voice for those families, especially women, who need to know they're not alone. Kristie and her husband wanted to complete their family with another child. She experienced a miscarriage, and for years, baby Elizabeth was kept a secret. Tragedy struck again when months into pregnancy Kristie lost another baby, Sammi, already greatly anticipated by friends, family, and her big sister. Kristie recalls the emotional day she buried this baby, when her healing process finally began. As she learns to let go, her conversations with God reveal the needed lessons she now bravely gives others. Join Kristie as she recounts the story of her Unforgotten Children and shares the realizations that helped her heal.
I hope these suggestions help, and my thoughts and prayers are with your daughter-in-law.
God Bless,
Ellen
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Miscarriage: "My Story" from Ashley
by Ellen DuBois on 02/21/12
I found out about my silent miscarriage on Dec. 6, 2011. I had a D&C the next day and my life has been an upside down roller coaster since that day. I found your book yesterday and I felt finally validated in my feelings and wanted to thank you personally for writing this book for people suffering like me. This is my story: I am 25 years old and have been happily married a little over a year. I never really wanted kids and was always put off by them. I used to think nothing was more annoying than a child crying. Then, my husband's sister had a child and I suddenly fell in love with babies and although I wasn't ready yet I at least knew I wanted to be a mother someday. Then my older sister became pregnant. I was so excited to be an aunt and so worried that everything would go ok with my sister's pregnancy. It did and she gave birth to my beautiful nephew on May 18, 2011. Let's just say my baby fever was rising and once I found out my best friend was pregnant and an old friend had just had a baby. My husband and I made the decision to begin trying on my birthday Oct. 10, 2011. I have always been a negative thinker and had been blessed with a pretty uneventful life. I have the most amazing parents in the world, awesome siblings, a husband I love but I am a pessimistic person and didn't expect to get pregnant very quickly. To my amazed surprise I became pregnant after only one month of trying. When I saw that positive pregnancy test I have never felt so happy in my whole life. I have always struggled with faith and on that day I felt God was giving me my miracle and I felt faith truly for the first time. Everything seemed to be going smoothly had morning sickness and not much appetite but I did everything right. I ate as well as I could, took my vitamins, got prenatal care, rested, didn't drink or smoke didn't even touch caffeine. I was around 9 wks when I went for my first ultrasound to see the heartbeat. I was so nervous and worried and I prayed every day of my pregnancy for God to keep my baby healthy and ok. I had been worried just because I have always operated on the premise of if you worry for the worst then everything will be ok. I was worried but I honestly thought I would go in and see the heartbeat and have the world changing moment I deserved to experience. I had absolutely no bleeding so I reassured myself with that. But, the ultrasound tech. wouldn't turn the screen on and left the room I knew something was wrong when the dr came in with the look she had on her face. i can only remember her telling me: There is no cardiac activity and my husband's crestfallen look. My world ended that day and I felt God took my soul with the baby. The first week after was my lowest I didn't want to be on this earth anymore and lived 7 hours from my family and my husband works 12 hrs day. But, when I hit rock bottom I picked up the phone and reached out for help. I no longer feel that hopeless. But, I still hate waking up every morning and every single day is a battle. I want to get rid of all of this negativity but its so hard when I've been negative my whole life. Plus, I am so anxious all the time!! I have an awesome support system but they don't truly understand because thankfully their pregnancies were successful. My jealousy about that makes me feel so so guilty and its so hard to see babies or pregnant people. Because I just want my chance to be a mother so BADLY. IT HURTS. Also, the day I had my d&c my best friend gave birth to her daughter that same day. We got home from my procedure to a picture of their daughter sent to my husband's phone It just seemed so unfair and I felt I hated her at the time those feelings have faded thankfully But, I haven't been able to go meet the baby and thank god my friend understands but the guilt is too much. Anyway, sorry it is so long I just wanted to share my story. I have found writing helpful and its nice to get my story out of my head. I plan to start putting in the hard work of not letting this beat me and becoming more positive with positive affirmations.
Dear Ashley,
I am so sorry for your loss. So many of the feelings you talked about are ones that I, along with so many others, have lived through. I can relate to your shock, sadness, and the difficulty in being around anything having to do with babies. I was like that for some time, but want you to know it will get easier over time.
Reaching out for support is so important- even writing out your feelings like you've done here. I did a lot of writing because I just didn't know what to do with my feelings. If it feels like much of the world doesn't 'get you', please take heart. It can be very isolating, but there are people who get you and the road you're walking.
Healing is different for everyone. Different times and ways. The best you can do is take things a moment at a time. I know the moments can sometimes feel like an eternity. Praying to get through them; doing what you need to help yourself heal and allowing yourself to feel all help.
For a little while, this may 'beat you up', but please don't think of that as a setback, or even as being negative. It's all part of feeling- of grieving. If you find yourself in a heap of tears, it's okay. But, what you said about trying to be more positive will help you greatly when those tears stop falling. It's when we get stuck in a world of negativity that we need the life jacket thrown to us. I've been there and know. It's at those times I discovered the power of my thoughts could make or break me. My faith was 'tested' if you will, but over time I found my faith strengthened...over time.
I want you to know I am thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Step by step is all you can do. I am glad you have such understanding family and friends. When you're ready to be around a baby, you'll know it and it may take a while. That's okay. Your heart and soul will let you know when it's okay. If you believe in angels, I believe they'll help you, too. All you need to do is ask and they'll surround you with the strength and support you need. Your beliefs are your own, and whatever you believe, there's no right or wrong. I'm just sharing what I believe with you.
Please take care of YOU and know you can write anytime.
Love and Light,
Ellen
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Miscarriage: Wanting to name my baby.
by Ellen DuBois on 02/17/12
Dear Ellen,
Thanks for this website. I miscarried about two months ago, and I've slowly been getting through it. I feel a lot less alone reading the stories of the other women here. I never thought I'd feel pain like this and it helps to know I'm not alone. (Not that I'd wish it on anyone).
This was my husband and I's first pregnancy and I dont' know if it'll be the only one. We married when we were 'older', (I got pregnant for the first time at 42), and I'm completely up in the air about whether to try again or not. I suppose I'll know when I'm ready to know. Right now, I feel like there's still quite a bit of healing to do.
I was nine weeks pregnant when I miscarried. I didn't know if my baby was a boy or a girl, but I felt in my gut it was a boy. I would like to name him and have a sort of memorial, (just my husband and I). We were thinking of planting a beautiful blue spruce.
Would you go with your gut and assume your baby was a boy if it's what you felt in your heart? I don't feel right planting a tree in his name when he doesn't have one. Is it strange to give my baby a boy's name, or should I even care? I think I just needed to vent and get this out because even as a write, I think the answer is clear. I need to go with my gut.
Just having a place like this to let it out and feel heard is so important. Thank you for listening.
Janice
Dear Janice,
I am so sorry for your loss and I think you answered your own question. Right now, there are so many emotions swimming around, it helps to get them out.
I do listen, and care very much about what you're living. I would name my baby and go with my gut, if that's of any comfort. Trust your heart. I know it's a painful thing to name the baby you loved so much but never got to hold. But, there's something inside telling you to name him...I'd go with it.
I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. One day at a time is the only way to handle things. Just breathe deeply and know there are others who have been there, (myself included), and care about you.
By the way, I named my baby Alex and just knew it was the name for him. My heart told me so.
Love and Light,
Ellen
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Miscarriage: On Valentine's Day
by Ellen DuBois on 02/14/12
On this Valentine's Day, may you feel the love of your babies and of God wrap around your heart like the wings of angels. Love and Light, Ellen
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Miscarriage: "An Unexpected End"
by Ellen DuBois on 02/13/12
An Unexpected End
By: Ellen DuBois
My baby, sweet baby,
I don't know why you left.
I sit here. I wonder.
But, the answers never come.
The tears fall. The night calls.
Another day has passed.
The pain's so deep inside-
I finally have to ask.
Dear God, Oh God,
why did this have to be?
My God, I can't breathe...
God, can you hear me?
I've waited all this time,
help my heart to mend.
Why did it have to come to...
an unexpected end?
My baby, sweet baby,
My love won't ever die.
I feel you. You're near me.
But, it's not the way I dreamed.
The tears fall. The night calls.
Another day has passed.
The pain's so deep inside-
I finally have to ask.
Dear God, Oh God,
why did this have to be?
My God, I can't breathe...
God, can you hear me?
I've waited all this time,
help my heart to mend.
Why did it have to come to...
an unexpected end?
My baby, sweet baby,
Too good for this earth.
I know you're in Heaven.
But, Mommy's got to heal.
The tears fall. The night calls.
Another day has passed.
The pain's so deep inside-
I finally have to ask.
Dear God, Oh God,
why did this have to be?
My God, I can't breathe...
God, can you hear me?
I've waited all this time,
help my heart to mend.
Why did it have to come to...
an unexpected end?
Love and Light to you all and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
Ellen
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Miscarriage: "I don't know if I've had a miscarriage."
by Ellen DuBois on 02/11/12
Brenda says:
How will I know if I had a miscarrage ? ive been having heavy bleeding with blood clots and abdominal pains and someone asked if I had a miscarriage and it made me start thinking. Ive went to the dr but to see why I was feeling like that but I never brought it up I tried but just couldnt. . .so I found this can you help me out? Thanks
Dear Brenda,I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. It must be extremely confusing and scary to not know if you've miscarried. My heart goes out to you.
Where I'm in no way a doctor, I can't give any medical reasons for your bleeding, etc. What I'd do is make another appointment with your doctor, explain to him/her that you may have been pregnant, and ask for some blood work. Your doctor should be able to tell by certain levels in your blood.
Again, I am so sorry and wish I could be more help.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and Light,
Ellen