True Love Never Ceases

They come to the site broken by life, hearts crushed by emotional pain.  They have lost siblings, spouses, children, parents, best friends and lovers.  They come seeking support, assurance that they are not alone in their unbearable grief.

Two years ago, I began a “Transcending Loss” Facebook page.  Today, over 10,000 grievers from across the globe have joined in a collective sharing of the human condition.  And I have the profound privilege of connecting with them.

My heart is not only humbled by the rawness of human suffering but also uplifted by the presence of a courageous, resilient spirit.  I have always known that loss is the inevitable price tag for living, but knowing of its certainty does not make the experience easier to accept.

There is, however, another certainty:  Deep love never ceases - it transcends death.  You might call this fact the unexpected fine print, the loophole to what would otherwise be an intolerable contract.  We feel like we are parted from our loved ones by death - and yes, physically we are - but we need to remember that the gift of love continues even as the form of love changes.

A Shortcut to Daily Intimacy with Your Beloved: Puppy Love

When you reunite after having been apart, even for a short time, greet each other with enthusiasm, as a dog might greet his beloved owner.  Be playful, excited, and grateful that your beloved has reunited with you.  Stop what you’re doing, engage in a full body hug (stomach to stomach) for 10 seconds or more and say “I’m so glad you’re home” or “I’m so glad to be home.”

I was attending a conference on couples counseling and attachment theory.  The presenter was quite engaging and made an off-handed comment about a couple with whom she was working.  She said that the wife claims that when her husband comes home from work, he greets the dog more enthusiastically than he greets her.

Sadly, I was able to imagine the same for myself.  There have been days when I would come home and greet my dog Hickory with energetic abandon but greet Daniel with only a cursory ‘hi’.

Compare these two greetings:

Me: “Hey buddy!  How’s my handsome boy?”

Him: He wags his tail good naturedly, jumps on me, licks my face, and beckons me to the floor where I rub his belly and laugh while he kicks his legs.

versus:

Me: “Hi – did you pay the mortgage?  It’s due tomorrow.”

Him: Silence.  “Uhh, I thought you were taking care of it.”

Yep, guilty.  And so, after some reflection, one crisp Autumn afternoon I decided to give Daniel a complete puppy welcome.   He drove into the driveway and rather than wait for him to enter the house, which would be customary, I bound out the front door, ran to him (he was now standing beside his car), and I leapt up and onto him, wrapping my legs around his waist (fortunately he caught me).  He began to laugh as I kissed his face with multiple kisses.

At that precise moment, our neighbor across the street appeared at the end of his driveway.  This curmudgeonly neighbor, a man whom we had hardly ever seen in three years, came out at the precise moment that I was wrapped around Daniel like a koala bear on a tree. “Maybe you’d better take it inside,” he barked.

And so we did.

The purpose of this this sort of greeting is to break us out of the cycle of routine, dulled reunions. When we greet our beloved with a recognition of how precious they are to us, we feel more connected and they feel more beloved.   Hugging lowers our stress response and stimulates release of the ‘bonding’ chemical, oxytocin.  Do this everyday and you’ll begin to feel less stressed and more loved.

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

“Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

“Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

Bucket List

I recently read the excellent book Enjoy Every Sandwich:  Living Each Day As If It Were Your Last by Lee Lipsenthal, MD.  Lee was a doctor, diagnosed with esophagal cancer, who proceeded to write a book about what he was learning in the process of facing his mortality.  What makes the book especially poignant, is that the author died just 6 weeks before the book was published.

One perspective that I found especially helpful was turning the idea of a bucket list on its head.  So many of us hold a mental check list, popularized by media such as The Bucket List film (starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson) and the “Places to see before you die . . . ” book series.  But Lee pointed out, upon facing his own death, that it really didn’t matter whether he had seen the Pyramids in Egypt or eaten Thai food in Thailand.

The only thing that really mattered to him was loving and being loved.  Period.  I suppose a life could be measured by accumulated vacations — and certainly, those experiences can be wonderful.  But at the end of the day (or the end of a life) love is all that really matters.  Have you put ‘love’ on your bucket list?

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

The Gift of Presence

My fourteen year old daughter has got modern multi-tasking down to a fine art.  I might not have believed it possible until I saw it in action:  she can watch a television program on her laptop, a music video on her tablet, and a text beckoning on her iphone, all at the same time.

As if this wasn’t enough, she can juggle these three screens while simultaneously doing ‘homework.’  It takes a virtual act of Congress to get her to stop all the screens, lock eyes with me, and give me her undivided attention.  And, I admit it, I’m not the most available person either when I get lost in my own agenda and my own thoughts.  

But what a pleasure when two people are actually present with each other.  With no internal or external distractions, it’s possible to be 100% available in the moment.  Being together in this way — laughing, touching, loving — that is truly a wonderful and increasingly rare gift.  

One of the primary reasons that psychotherapy is effective is that the undivided attention of the therapist is healing.  How many of us have our loved ones’ undivided attention for 50 minutes at a time?  This year for Christmas, all I want is presence . . . from all my loved ones.  In a time of multi-screens, uber-stimulations, and 24/7 distractions, I believe that presence is the most valuable present of all.  

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

A New Relationship

Sarah sat across from me with tears streaming down her face.  Her husband was killed in a car accident three years ago and now she had entered into the first romantic relationship since her husband’s death.  “I don’t understand how I can love someone new when I still love my husband.”

It’s true that Sarah’s love for her husband will be ever vibrant.  That love has infused itself into her being, allowing her to be the person she has become.  One task of healthy grieving is to cultivate a sustained relationship with the one who has died, an ongoing connection based on spirit and memory.

And yet it’s also true that Sarah’s relationship with her husband has changed.  Because his physical form is gone, she has space to create new physical relationships.  Even as she does this, she brings her husband’s love along with her.  

As she wiped her tears away, Sarah reflected, “I guess my husband opened my heart and now, it’s my choice to keep it open.”  Bringing the love and lessons of the past into the present, and then carrying them into the future is part of our journey as we grieve, grow, love, and continue to embrace life.

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”