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Slapass!
I am back!
Yeah it has been awhile. I was recently out with a babe and her friend. It was nuts. No one talked to either one of them. It is not like I was the life of the club or something and scared off all comers. We have a few bottles of Champaign going so that people knew they were with me. I still expected guys to try and peel off the extra babe. They were both smokin' hot, and they were wearing fuck me dresses. We kill like 3 bottles of champagne and stumble for the exit. Hit another club for like 30 minutes and then grab my babe and head for the fun stuff. She was wobbling but I thought we were more then good to go. Wham she starts tossing her cookies. FUCK! or NO FUCK! She is now covered in puke which I clean up off the hardwood floor. I leave her on the floor cover her with a towel and go to bed. There was no way to drag her threw a shower and why dirty all the stuff on the bed? Well my alcohol soaked brain thought this was a great solution. For the next 2 days she was sore and did not feel good as her asshole boyfriend left her passed out on the floor all night. I heard this repeated over and over to every girlfriend that would listen. So was I pig for leaving her on the floor pass out and covered in puke? I did not take the opportunity to get dead fish
Slapass
PS - try out Dollar Porn
Cell Phone Porn
This is clearly the weirdest thing they have come up with lately. Your out with friends and suddenly you need to cum. Impolite to ask the girls around you to give free show while you relieve yourself. So here is where the trusty cell phone comes in. You have pre downloaded some choice porn from your favorite cell phone porn site. You find a quiet corner and beat off to the little grainy pictures. My phone is a pretty good size and it is about slightly larger then 1"x1". Wow! You can almost make out what sex the person is. Be careful in the pre download or you are going to wank to your mom's x-mas photo because she was wearing a light tan sweater that looks like flesh on your phone. Lets say you are sure it is gender correct porn and it is good stuff as you saw it on a real screen and your memory is ok. Where the hell do you want jerk off that is so far from the comfort of home or other really secure environment. Does this lead to jerking off in public restrooms or the park? Is this sort of what we need? The next step in human development is our ability to get off when ever and where ever.... I am going to find my cell phone and well...
Slapass
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Blow job etiquette (by a woman)
1 - First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2 - Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3 - I don't care what they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4 - Extension to rule #3- No, I don't have to swallow.
My ears are not handles.
5 - Extension to rule #5- Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really want puke on your dick?
6 - I don't care how relaxed you get, it is never ok to fart.
7 - Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just you can't have sex right now.
8 - Extension to #8- "blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if you are that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my midol.
9 - If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
10 -Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
11 - If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
12 -No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
13 - No, I will not do it while you watch TV.
14 - When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
15 - Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
A Man's Rebuttal
1 - First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2 - Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3 - You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4 - I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5 - When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.
6 - Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7 - You bitch about the taste, but trust me when i tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
8 - At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9 - Play with the balls.
10 - No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11 - Caress the ass, too. We like that.
12 - Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13 - If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
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