How to Read People: Preparing to Read
Learning to read people is one of the most important skills you can have in your interpersonal life. Whether you’re focusing on professional success, friendship, romance, marriage, career or parenting, understanding How to Read People will give you the ability to make sound decisions and develop incredible insight into people’s lives. With practice, your ability to understand the core motivations, desires, and thoughts of others can become so accurate as to border on an invasion of privacy.
In this 3-part series I will be covering the following:
1. Preparing Yourself to Read People: this is the subject of this first post. I describe how to mentally prepare yourself to become an effective people reader.
2. Beyond Words - what people are really saying: The next post contains the techniques and mindset needed to develop the art of reading people.
3. How to Tell if Someone is Lying to You: In the final post I’ll explain the techniques professional interrogators and body-language experts use to catch someone in a lie.
Taken from skills I’ve learned over the years from animal tracking (yes animal tracking has a lot to do with reading people), techniques and ideas taught to me by a former interrogator for the CIA, as well as professional people readers like Jo-Ellan Demitrius
- I will give you a concise step-by-step approach to accurately reading people.
Preparing Yourself to Read People
I’m sorry to burst your bubble here, but there is no quick fix in learning to read people. I know you want to get right into learning the latest body-language interpretation techniques and principles, but as with most things, you need to first build a proper foundation. And that is what this post is about.
The first step in learning how to read people is gaining a general understanding of the makeup of others and surprisingly…ourselves. Without understanding the walls people build up around themselves, as well as the barriers that we put in our own way, we will never be able to successfully read people.
-People are Like Onions-
When it comes to revealing ourselves to others, people are very much like a four-layered onion.
The outermost layer is that part of our personality that we reveal to strangers - the most superficial aspects of who we really are. An example of this can be seen when we talk with a stranger sitting next to us on a bus. Trivial topics like the weather, current events, sights and sounds around us are typical things we feel willing to talk about.
Around our friends and some acquaintances we feel comfortable enough to peel back that outermost layer to reveal the next one. For example, if you were chatting with a coworker this time, you would probably feel more comfortable revealing more about yourself. Your attitudes towards work, certain emotions and your general thoughts about life are some of the things that might come up in conversation.
The third layer is reserved for those with whom we have an intimate relationship with, such as a close friend or spouse. In many cases, intimate relationships take time to develop, and with that time, trust is earned. Imagine now sitting on that same bus next to your spouse or significant other. The depth of what you reveal this time is much greater than any previous layer. Your goals, personal problems, and fears and so on, all fall within this layer.
The fourth and innermost layer contains that part of ourselves that we don’t share with anyone. It contains our deepest and sometimes darkest thoughts and secrets that we would rather not acknowledge. The fact that we are trying to come to terms with many of these things ourselves makes us not comfortable sharing them with others.
The extent to which you can ‘read’ someone is determined by how many of their layers you’re able to get them to reveal. And here’s a little secret: a person will reveal their layers in direct proportion to you revealing yours. This is the onion theory in a nutshell.
-Removing our own Barriers-
The second part of preparing ourselves to read people involves removing the barriers that keep us from accurate ‘people-reading’. The two barriers are our prejudices and our projections.
When people think of prejudice, mostly the racial kind comes to mind. Although a part of it, this is not entirely what I’m talking about here. Anytime you make an opinion, whether it is positive or negative, without knowledge or examination of the facts, you are being prejudiced.
Whenever you come up with some preconceived notion based on things such as race, color, political alignment, or even the way people dress, it taints your ability to accurately read others. Our prejudices can be based on our fears, feeling threatened, upbringing or a myriad of other things.
Closely related to prejudice is projection. In the late 50’s Leon Festinger coined a phrase called ‘Cognitive Dissonance’ which can basically be described as the human tendency to close ones eyes and minds to things that are uncomfortable or disturbing. We tend to ‘project’ our view onto a situation because it is easier to deal with.
For example, a parent noticing a child’s slipping grades, lack of appetite, and tendency to come home late, might try to shrug it off as puberty or new-found love when it’s clear to everyone else that it may be a drug problem - something that the parent is unwilling to accept.
When we are emotionally committed to someone or something it can blind us from the truth of a situation, leading us to an incorrect reading of someone.
-Waiting Patiently with an Empty Cup-
The key to effectively reading people is by being completely objective - having an empty cup so to speak. Overcoming our biases, prejudices and projections allows us to be completely objective.
The last important step is learning to be patient. Don’t fill your cup up so fast that you rush in drawing your conclusions. I’ve seen this with my experiences in animal tracking. In the beginning I was in such a hurry to interpret the trail and the animal I was following that I’d fail to see the big picture. One time I remember my friend laughing at me while pointing out that what I thought were perfect sets of deer tracks, ended up only being the heel of a sneaker. If I took my time to let the whole picture develop and not come to a conclusion so quickly, it would have saved me the disappointment and embarrassment I felt.
It’s the same thing in learning to read people. As you learn the techniques to interpret peoples’ body language and environment (I will discuss this in the next posts), resist the urge to jump to conclusions. If you think for example that they are defensive because they have their arms folded - well maybe they’re sitting under an a/c vent and they’re simply cold. Are they lying because they’re fidgeting and seem nervous? Well, possibly they need to go to the bathroom real bad. In other words, hold off until later to make your final decision.
In the next post, I’ll be covering the second part in this series: “Beyond Words - what people are really saying”.
If you found this article helpful, feel free to leave a donation, subscribe, or bookmark it for others to enjoy!:
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- The Power of Intention
- Welcome John Chow dot Com Readers!
- Welcome John Chow dot Com Readers!
- Welcome Lemonade-Diet Readers!
- How to Read People: Detecting Lies
This entry was posted on Thursday, November 2nd, 2006 at 7:18 pm and is filed under Life Skills. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0feed.
42 Responses to “How to Read People: Preparing to Read”
Amit,
I should be finished with this by eod Saturday.
thanks for your interest!
Left by Erich on November 3rd, 2006
Thanks for the read! Love the onion theory.
Left by Chris on November 4th, 2006
When can we expect the next portion of this article?
Left by Aqua on November 4th, 2006
This really tells us more about you than it does about people in general.
Left by Vegas Vic on November 4th, 2006
Darnit, hurry up!
But seriously, good stuff. Looking forward to the rest of your installment.
Left by Pete on November 4th, 2006
I’m interesting to know about this subject since today I got jeped for a home theater system right in front of my eyes. Thanks
Left by Albert on November 4th, 2006
I thought this was really interesting. I think I’m gonna have to read it a few more times to understand it more. I think I might be able to use this info because I have Asperger’s Syndrome. I don’t understand a lot of body language, and I probably misinterpret some of it too. So if I read more stuff like this I can maybe start understanding other peoples body language. If nothing else by a learned behavior.
Left by Kahnza on November 4th, 2006
Good start… I’m bookmarking your blog now and can’t wait to read the remaining two parts…
Cheers
Manoj
Left by Manoj on November 4th, 2006
Thanks for the interesting read!
Left by Brian on November 4th, 2006
this is a very nice article. cant wait to see the others.
Left by george on November 4th, 2006
[…] Learning to read people is one of the most important skills you can have in your interpersonal life. Whether you ’re focusing on professional success, friendship, romance, marriage, career or parenting, understanding How to Read People will give you the ability to make sound decisions and develop incredible insight into people’s lives. With practice… […]
Left by P i n D a a L » The Art and Science of Reading People on November 4th, 2006
You make is sound easier then it is, humans are subjective by nature.
Left by Arie on November 4th, 2006
Verry interesting, I’m looking forward to the next two pieces.
Thank you for the insight.
Grtz
Demian
Left by Demian on November 4th, 2006
Very interesting, this has been a hobby of mine for ages. Looking forward to your next post!
Carlos
Left by Carlos on November 4th, 2006
Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes. No.
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry.
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs.
Shrek: NO. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
[sighs]
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions.
Left by lucas on November 4th, 2006
Thanks for introducing me to the Onion theory!
Left by Lee on November 4th, 2006
Lets see, your credentials are you have experience waterboarding innocent people and chasing down coons. Yes, that qualifies you as an expert in human behaior. LOL, you almost had me there.
Left by Haley Mills on November 4th, 2006
Your topic is very interesting and informative.I have great interest in emotions and your article on how to be emphatic is good.Im waiting for your next post.
Left by Adhavan on November 4th, 2006
Not to be confused. I Love Big Brother!
-Winston Groom
Left by Party Member 5 on November 4th, 2006
Comes across a bit juvenile. A four layered onion? Why not 5? or 6?
My biggest issue is with the following:
“Whenever you come up with some preconceived notion based on things such as race, color, political alignment, or even the way people dress, it taints your ability to accurately read others. Our prejudices can be based on our fears, feeling threatened, upbringing or a myriad of other things.”
You call these “prejudices and projections” and those “barriers” need to be “overcome”.
I couldn’t disagree more; you should take all these fators into account when you are “reading” them. Why would you remove these data points that may be entirely valid and accurate predictors?
Certainly one should not evaulate someone based entirely on subjective matters, but they must be factored in to develop the entire picture.
In my experience (and I’m fairly proficient in reading people) you need to take all the data points you can (objective, subjective, or otherwise) and make a dispassionate assembly of all the factors. Only at this point can you downgrade puzzle pieces that don’t seem to fit the overall puzzle.
There’s nothing wrong with subjectivity, provided it’s considered properly…
Left by Ben Harris on November 4th, 2006
Great Post! I was referred to your site when searching poker strategy on Google and, though your subject matter is not quite the same as reading people in poker, I found that many of your points can be carried over quite well.
Keep up the good work and I will be anxiously awaiting your next post.
Left by James Hudson on November 4th, 2006
Where can I read your next article
Left by Jack Alan on November 4th, 2006
Awesome post. Can’t wait for part 2 and 3.
Left by MillionDollarCountDown on November 4th, 2006
very interesting article. i am looking for the next two issues. thanks for the post
Left by srinu on November 4th, 2006
hi annabonjor commeent ca va. i am beya .u say vicky will speek all firand what time & day. plz you replay
Left by anna on November 4th, 2006
Realy I enjoyed very much for rerading this article I can say that reading people is very important in our life to take our right decision against people The real problem in our life that we hav’nt enough information to whom we faced them in our life My father learned me a very important thing when you like to read people How to know the real motivation and what he keep in his self against you By learning that you will be find the trating with people is very nice and you will avoid any problems in your life As Iam specialist in political studies this operation is very necessary to negotiate with others because the negotiation proses depends upon these skills of understanding all persons inclosing in this operation in order to take all benfits of the negotiation Realy many negotiation failed as a result of misunderstanding people during this proses I add to my dearest writter if you have the skills to read people and you have not the possibility to take your decision you failed in the end So i hope to learn how to take your decision in addition to learn how to read people The two important factors when you learned in your life you will be very strong In my life i faced many troubles but i learned how to solve and how to be very strong when you decide to take your decision without any hesitation and to be ready for any results We can’t seperate the two factors and you can’t say that I have the ability to read people if you have not the power to take your decision never mine for my remarks but realy I congratulate my dearest writter for his article hopping to contact with him with my best regards dr wagih
Left by dr wagih on November 5th, 2006
[…] Erich Jaeckel presents How to Read People - Part 1 of 3 posted at LifeTraining - Online. […]
Left by Personal Development Carnival - November 5, 2006 · Personal Development Ideas Blog on November 5th, 2006
thank you for the very intresting and informative artical, I will be looking for ward to part two and three.
Left by james bryden on November 5th, 2006
Great post. Looking forward to the next one.
Left by Forex King on November 5th, 2006
[…] Check out the first part of the series here. […]
Left by Live Consciously » How to Read People on November 5th, 2006
for example:
Ted Haggard = “Shit Eating Grin”
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Left by Doc Ott’s Life Hack Blog » Blog Archive » How to Read People on November 15th, 2006
[…] It’s the same thing in learning to read people. As you learn the techniques to interpret peoples’ body language and environment (I will discuss this in the next posts), resist the urge to jump to conclusions. If you think for example that they are defensive because they have their arms folded - well maybe they’re sitting under an a/c vent and they’re simply cold. Are they lying because they’re fidgeting and seem nervous? Well, possibly they need to go to the bathroom real bad. In other words, hold off until later to make your final decision.read more | digg story […]
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Left by links for 2007-03-02 « Steve Miller’s Blog on March 1st, 2007
This is very interesting. I would like to know when you put up the next post on this topic.
Left by amit on November 2nd, 2006