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Are you giving love to your sweet heart for the joy of giving, or are you giving to get love? I received the following email on this topic, asking for my guidance:

"Hi there, my name is Adam. I am thinking about moving out with my girlfriend Patty. But there are some things that make me feel disappointed, and I don't really know what to do.

On occasion she feels bad and upset. This makes me frustrated because for the past year I have been working so hard to try to make her feel better when she feels bad.

I assumed that it was working, but now it seems absolutely nothing I do works. I miss the old times. She would kiss me randomly all day and it made me feel so loved and wanted. She would hold me and tell me wonderful things. It was like a fantasy. Now, I'm lucky if she kisses me at least once in about three hours.

Mainly at times it feels like she just wants me as a friend. She does not make me feel loved or wanted. I just do not have a clue what to do, and I need some assistance."

Adam is giving to get. He isn't giving his love to Patty from a full place inside, a place inside filled with love. Instead, he's empty inside and hopes that if he "works hard" and is nice to Patty, he'll have control over getting her to fill his empty hole.

Consequently, Patty feels pressured to take responsibility for Adam's wellbeing, and gets upset and distant in the face of the pressure. She is getting deterred by Adam and just wants him as a friend because his neediness isn't attractive to her.

When love-making is a way for Adam to get validated - rather than an expression of his love - Patty will feel used rather than loved when they have sex.

Absolutely nothing will change in this relationship until Adam makes a decision to learn how to be responsible for his own good feelings as opposed to expecting Patty to do it for him. Patty wants him to come to her as a strong and secure man, not as a needy little boy needing her constant kisses to feel good about himself.

Adam needs to take his eyes off how Patty is treating him and focus on how he is treating himself and Patty. He has to be open to learning about what he is telling himself and the way he is treating himself that's causing his emptiness and inadequacy.

He needs to stop being a victim of Patty's behavior and concentrate on what he needs to do for himself, for the little boy within him that wants love and attention. He'd have love to share with Patty if he were to focus on giving himself love and attention, as opposed to trying to make Patty happy in the hopes that she's going to make him happy.

As it is, he's just trying to get love - giving to get. He is coming from a very common false belief - that our best feelings come from being loved as well as desired.

The truth is that our best feelings come from being loving to ourselves and to other people. Adam won't know this until he decides to change his intention from attempting to have control over receiving love to learning about being loving.

If you are in Patty's position, be with an individual who can love you the right way by browsing: totally free dating sites, dating websites, or free online dating sites.

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