DrumJokes.com
 The finest drummer jokes on the planet. All at DrumJokes.com
 Hey, it's all in good fun! Wait til we get to the guitar jokes!

 • How do you tell if the stage is level?
    The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.

 • How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
 The knocking speeds up.

 • What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
 "Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?

 • What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
 Homeless.

 • How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
 He doesn't know when to come in

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 • What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
 They both suck without Cream.

 • How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
 Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better
 Neil Peart coulda done it.

 • How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
 None, they have a machine to do that now.

 • How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
 Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

 • Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
 Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!

 • What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
 Gifted.

 • What do you call a Drummer in a Volkswagen?
 Farfromthinken.

 • What does a drummer use for contraception?
 His personality. (ref. jimmybarney.com)

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 • What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
 Put a sheet of music in front of him.

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 • "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
 "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

 • Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
 Because it can keep good time and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

 • Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
 Me either.

 • How do you get a drummer to play quieter?
 Put a chart in front of him

 • Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
 So they can park in the handicapped spot.

 • What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
 A drummer.

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 • How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
 The knocking speeds up.

 • How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
 You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

 • Did you hear about the drummer who went to college?
 Me neither.

 • How do you get a drummer off your porch?
 Pay him for the pizza.

 • What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
 Drool.

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 • What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
 Homeless.

 • What's the last thing the band wants to hear the drummer say?
 "Hey guys, wanna try one of my songs?"

 • What's the first thing a drummer says when he moves to LA?
 "Would you like fries with that sir?"

 • Why do bands have bass players?
 To translate for the drummer.

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 • How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
 You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

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 • I once asked a drummer how to spell "Mississippi".
 He said, "the river or the state?"

 • Why did the drummer stare at the frozen juice can?
 Because it said, "Concentrate".

 • How do guitar players get away with parking in the handicap spots?
 They put drumsticks on the dash.

 • What do you call a dozen drummers at the bottom of the sea?
 A good start!

 • Did you hear about the drummer who got accepted to Yale?
 Neither did I.

 • Why are drummers always losing their watches?
 Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.

 • What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
 The poster child for Birth Control.

 • What do you call a bunch of kids with drums?
 Jerry's Kids.

 • What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
 Mildly retarded.

 • What do you call 10 guys in a drum circle?
 A dope ring.

 • What has three legs and an asshole?
 A drum stool.

 • What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
 One will mature and make money.

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 • Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
 Me neither.

 • What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?
 A tattoo.

 • Why do drummers have lots of kids?
 They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.

 • What's the difference between a large pizza and a drummer?
 The pizza can feed a family of four.

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 • What's the difference between a high school drumline and shoes in a  dryer?
 Nothing

 • Hey there, how late does the band play?
 Oh about half a beat behind the drummer.

 • How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
 Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

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 • What do you do if you accidentally run over a drummer?
 Back up.

 • What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
  Overqualified.

 • What is the difference between a bad drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
 You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

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 • How can you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?
 Take the Pizza sign off of it.

 • What's the biggest lie told to a drummer?
 Hang on a minute and I'll help you with your gear.

 • Why are band breaks limited to only 20 minutes?
 So you don't have to retrain the drummer.

 • What did the drummer say to the band leader?
 Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?

 • What's the biggest lie told to drummers?
 Hold on, I'll help you with your gear.

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 • If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. - Ancient Proverb

 • Oxymorons: Drum Music

 • So many drummers, so little time. (Ouch!)

 • Overheard: "Will the musicians please come to the stage. Oh, and the drummer  too."

 STORIES

 • An amateur drummer died and went to heaven. He was waiting outside the  pearly gates when he heard the most incredible fast and furious drumming coming  from within. Immediately he recognized the playing and rushed to ask St. Peter if  that was Buddy Rich playing drums inside the gates. St. Peter responded: "No,  that's God. He just thinks he's Buddy Rich."

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 • A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will  have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he  woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and  accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain instead. You're now a drummer".

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 • A man goes to a pacific island for vacation. As the boat nears, he notices the  constant sound of drumming. As he gets off the boat, he asks a native how long  the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad  when drumming stops."
 Later that day, the drumming is still going and it is really starting to get to him. So,  he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's  just been spooked. "Very bad when drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

 After a couple of days with little sleep, the man had had enough. He grabbed the  first native he saw, slammed him up against a tree, and shouted, "What happens  when the drumming stops?!"

 The native replied, "Bass solo."

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 • A New York drummer by the name of Joe was out of work and desperately  searching for a gig. He went to the union office where they told him about plentiful  jobs in Greece. "Greece?, the drummer said. The union representative replied,  "Hey, do you want to work or don't you?".

 So the man packed his bags and headed off to Greece. He was to meet up with  an old guy by the name of Tarek at a small pub near the town of Perin. Upon his  arrival, he located the pub but Tarek was nowhere to be found.

 He tracked Tarek down later by phone. He said he needed him for a last minute  wedding gig tonight at the Oasis hotel. There would be over 400 guests but  unfortunately there wouldn't be time for a rehearsal. Tarek said, "Just show up  with your drums and be ready to play." Well, the NY drummer wasn't that  nervous. He had played hundreds of wedding gigs back in New York and he  was just happy to have some work.

 Joe arrived at the hotel on time. The whole band was there except the band  leader, Tarek. He set up his drums and patiently awaited for the old guy. Tarek  finally arrived 5 minutes before they were supposed to go on. He frantically set up  his music stand and raised his arm to lead the band. "Wait!, shouted the NY  drummer, what are we playing?" Tarek looked at him calmly (knowing he was a  professional drummer) and stated, "Just relax and give me strong backbeats on 7  and 13."

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 • St. Peter was checking ID's at the pearly gates. He asks the first man, "What did  you do on Earth?" The man replied, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "OK, go  right through those two shiny gates to your left.

 "Next person! What did you do on Earth?" , "I was a school teacher."
 "OK, ..through those two gates and to the left.

 "Next! ..And what did you do on Earth?" . "Oh, I was a musician."
 "All right, go around to the back door, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen  and..."

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 • A customer walks into the brand new store downtown that sells brains. There  are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering gray brain. The first one  says "SCIENTIST", and it costs $100. The second says "ELECTRICIAN" and  costs $1000. The third says "DRUMMER" and costs $10,000. The customer is  confused, and questions the salesperson.
 "I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get  an scientist's brain for $100?".

 The salesman replied, "Because, it's never been used."

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 • A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came  back from vacation to hear a rumor that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe  it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?"

 Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week."

 "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up.

 A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?"

 "No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the  phone.

 Ten minutes later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?"  he said.

 She recognized his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S  DEAD!" And slammed down the phone.

 Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the  horn player asked.

 Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E.  A. D., DEAD. Why do you keep calling me to ask for Buddy???!!!!"

 The horn player replied, .."I just love hearing you say it."

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 • If a hundred dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and Santa Claus, the  Easter Bunny, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were  standing in the corners, who would get to it first?

 The drummer with bad time of course. The other three don't exist.

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 • A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play   some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches   the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."
  The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire   extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

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 • A young drummer girl was walking along the street when she heard..
 "Psst! Down here!"

 She looked down and saw a frog sitting by the curb. The frog says to her, "Hey, if  you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you rich and  famous!"  She thought for a moment and reached down, grabbed the frog and  stuffed it in her  pocket.

 A woman standing nearby witnessing the whole event said, "What did you do that  for?"

 The girl replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a  famous drummer any day!"

 • Two cowboys were waiting in their bunkers for the Indians to attack. They  listened to the distant pounding war drums.
 One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums."
 Just then, an Indian voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"

• A guy walks into a shop and tells the clerk, "I'll take a Fender Stratoblaster with an extra pack of nylong strings. The clerk says to him, "I take it you're a drummer?". The guys says, "Why yes, how did you know?". The clerk says, "This is a Travel Agency". - Submitted by Ernie L.

• What's the difference between a drummer and a government bond?
Government bonds mature and make money.   - Submitted by Karen

• Little Johnny: Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a drummer!
Mommy: Now Johnny, you can't do both.   - Submitted by Peiter

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 • The Star Spangled Banner from the Drummer's Perspective:

Oh, say can you BOOM, CRASH
By the dawn's early BOOM, CRASH
What so proudly we BOOM, CRASH
At the twilight's last gleaming.
Whose broad stripes and bright BOOM,CRASH
Through the perilous BOOM, CRASH
Oh the ramparts we BOOM, CRASH
Were so gallantly streaming