Funnier than your grandma

Funny Bitch Friday: Pintester

07/20/2012 · 6 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

I have a love-hate with Pinterest. On one hand, I did learn how to alter a bunch of old t-shirts really well, and I’m a terrible sewess (sewer? Sewing magician? Not a wordsmith here). On the other hand, I’ve learned exactly nothing else. Most of the crafts look impossible, and those that look do-able look unbelievably stupid or impractical. I thought I was alone in thinking this.

Wrong. Pintester is fucking up Pinterest crafts so we don’t have to! She’s also funny, which makes this fantastic blog hilarious where it very well could have been sad and life-destroying.

Shaving Cream and Listerine Foot Mask

Miracle Mask

Clementine Candle

Popsicle Stick Bracelet

10-Minute No-Sew T-Shirt Bag

Drunk Gummies

Now I don’t feel so bad. It’s not me, it’s just that Pinterest is a goddamn liar.

{ 6 comments }

Uteruses Before Duderuses Before Misogynistic Asshattery

07/18/2012 · 26 comments

in Psychological Warfare,Sadist Vagina,What Is Wrong With You?

There’s been a lot of heat about women in comedy lately, and it’s high time everyone calm the fuck down and take a life time out to think about what’s actually going on.

Adam Carolla Says Women Aren’t Funny

I don’t think Margaret Cho is all that funny. It’s not because she’s a woman that I don’t like her. I don’t care for her style or her jokes, but I acknowledge that others do. My distaste for her comedy doesn’t automatically make all women unfunny. On that same hand, I also don’t like Vince Vaughn, Dane Cook, Steve Byrne, Jeff Dunham, Adam Sandler, and Russell Brand–not because they have penises. I don’t like them because, to me, they’re just not funny.

The problem with saying “women aren’t funny” is that if a man isn’t funny, he’s just not funny. It’s not because he has a dick, or a chest blissfully tit-free. When a woman isn’t funny, she isn’t funny because of her lady sensibilities. When you’re a good comedian, you’re really good and everyone ignores your gender. When you’re an unfunny woman, you’re a dumb cunt and because of you no women are funny ever.

I once hit the front page of Fark.com with Oh Good, You Saved Your Bullshit, and got a fair number of replies. I noticed a pattern in the comments: somewhere around 80% of the good ones never stated a gender. 15% straight up thought I was a dude. 5% said, “that’s a funny lady,” or something along those lines. Those who found me not funny were the first to point out I was a woman. The issue is not that they didn’t think I was funny. Not everyone is going to find me funny. Some people are turned away by the language I use or by the jokes I make. Some people just plain don’t like me, and that’s fine. Comedy is subjective.

What bothers me is the idea that if some people don’t think I’m funny, the first thing they will do is attack my gender.

“Women only talk like that to sound like a man.”
“Women only joke about boyfriends and periods.”
“Women only get laughs because they have boobs and men want to fuck them.”

Kevin Hart can tell period joke that is hilarious, but if I were to tell it, it automatically becomes prohibited “bitch comedy.” That’s bullshit. Gender doesn’t matter. Who gives a shit if I’m a woman or not–if I make you laugh, I make you laugh.

I was once told, “Well, you’re not as funny as Louis CK, so women aren’t funny.” Fuck, of course I’m not as funny as Louis CK. I’m also not as funny as Amy Poehler, Carol Burnett, Tina Fey, Lucille Ball, Kristen Wiig, Nasim Pedrad, Stephnie Weir, Laura Kightlinger, Melissa McCarthy, Maya Rudolph and so many other female comedians. Judge comedy on the comedy itself, not on the person delivering.

Look, it’s not fair at all that women are judged on their comedy like this, but that’s the case right now. If you’re a woman in comedy, you have to be good enough for you and trust that others will find you funny. The culture isn’t going to automatically change because you bitch and because it’s unfair. You have to work a little harder. You have to be a little better. You can’t change your gig to make misogynists laugh–good men will find you funny, assholes will be assholes. Fuck ‘em. Be good anyways.

The Heckler and The Tosh

Hecklers deserve 100% of the bullshit they get because FUCK HECKLERS. If comedy is participatory, the performers will let you know. They will call you out, they will make it clear. Other than that, SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP. You’re ruining everyone’s day when you heckle.

What made this particular heckler so different is the fact that when she was called out for saying Rape Jokes aren’t funny (most aren’t–very, very few are.) Tosh responded, with not a rape joke, but a call for this woman to be gang raped in a joking manner. That’s not a rape joke, that’s not a rape comment–that’s a half-assed call for rape.

To those who say she deserved it, that it was called for, let me give you this: what if Tosh began a set by talking about a guy getting the shit kicked out of him, and some man in the audience yells, “fight jokes are never funny.” Tosh responds, “wouldn’t it be funny if this guy got the shit kicked out of him by like 5 guys, right now? Like right now?”

It’s innocuous, right? “Oh man, that guy deserves to get the shit kicked out of him because he heckled. Hi-larious”

But then, what if he did get his ass kicked? What if 5 guys beat this man into an unrecognizable pulp right in front of everyone? Is that funny? No, it’s fucking horrific and uncalled for and it’s squarely in Tosh’s hands at that point. Half-assedly calling for a heckler to be raped or beaten or murdered is not okay. Tosh fucked right the hell up. As a coach and successful comedian said this week to me, you have to own what you say and be prepared for what that might cause. Sometimes you say stupid shit onstage because you’re not thinking and it rolls off your tongue and you immediately wish you hadn’t said it. Sometimes that ruins careers. All of the time, we have room to learn from their mistakes.

When things get too tense in a room, the quickest way to diffusion is to tell a joke. Comedy, in that same turn, points out the absurdities of racism, sexism, rape culture, dick culture, war, disease, hate, and every other negative thing about our world. That means talking about scary, potentially offensive things in order to bring them into focus. Comedy has a strange power over people–Jon Stewart is a great example of the good comedy can do from making possibly offensive jokes to get a point across. Tosh’s heckler is a bad example.

Comedians are meant to find the perceived line and cross it. Your offensive line is different than mine, and because of that, not every joke can be handled the same way. Not every comic is the same, not every crowd get the same show, not every heckler is the same. You can’t demand that no one tell any potentially offensive joke ever again because that’s absurd and defeats the entire point of comedy.

Instead of rearing up because you hear a joke that offends you, I want you to think about why it offends you. Is it because you hold those same sentiments and someone called you on it? Is it because it was told poorly and was perhaps unintentionally offensive? Maybe it was just because it was sexist or racist as fuck and it’s a shitty joke to tell (and probably said for cheap shock value). Figure out what you didn’t like, why, and then start talking.

We’re all on this planet together. Sometimes, you’re going to hear, see, do, and experience things you don’t like. We are only going to learn and grow through a dialogue, and not by screaming at a problem demanding that it never ever happen again ever. Misogynists especially will not listen even a little bit when you scream–they’ll work harder to silence you. You have to do your own research, form your own opinion, and be a better example.

It’s the hard truth to learn that everyone sucks–everyone on this planet has something shitty about them. Mother Theresa even sucked a little bit. She probably had a wicked farting obsession and farted on as many people as she could. You suck, your mother sucks, Tosh sucks, I suck. We can all suck less if we all calm the fuck down and talk.

–

I’ve been fortunate to not be hit by too much sexism in my comedy career. I know others have–any stories? What do you think about these two events?

{ 26 comments }

Re: ‘Merica, Where That Mothafucka Got Shot

07/16/2012 · 31 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This,I'm A Terrible Person,Social Services,What Is Wrong With You?

I really have no right to judge people about their lives. I mean, I once threw a suitcase up a spiral staircase fully expecting it not to come rocketing right back down and back over me in the process, and I have been kicked out of a minimum of 30 businesses in my life, one of them being a permanent ban from Christopher and Banks. I’m not exceptionally smart or talented or better than anyone else, so I should just keep my mouth shut.

But I can’t stop judging people, because these things happen:

1. Re: Abraham Lincoln and Ford’s Theatre

High School Teen 1: “Yo, why that girl get all huffy about that theatre?”
High School Teen 2: “That where that mothafucka got shot.”

You have to be fucking kidding me. I’ll give you this, at least you knew the low-down about Ford’s Theatre, but “That where that mothafucka got shot?” I just can’t imagine a greater history class than one of your masterfully poetic design, HST2.

What contribution to the world did Mother Theresa provide? That bitch fed those poor-ass kids like a fucking boss.
What happened to Jesus? That mothafucka got crucified like a bitch, yo.
Who was Harriet Tubman? …wait, no.

2. Re: Harriet Tubman

High School Teen 1: “Why that Tubman bitch got all them people followin’ her?”
High School Teen 2: “That bitch had a map, yo.”

And all is right within the world of history. Jesus Rollerblading Christ. You first had me hooked when you called Harriet Tubman “That Tubman Bitch,” which is the most eloquent title I can think of for a leader of the Underground Railroad. I thought that would be the end to the glory, but nary a worry, because that bitch HAD A MAP.

Little did I know that Harriet Tubman was a historical Dora the Explorer. That Tubman bitch had a Map in her singing hobo sack and solved problems like slavery with her little friend, Oppressy The Cat. I bet that Tubman bitch still had to fight against Swiper, who instead of stealing apples and shit, stole her own people from her to put them back into slavery in nightmarish conditions.

I can’t tell if that is really funny to think about, really racist, or just really, really sad.

3. Re: 4th Of July

5-Year-Old Ginger Kid: Raves the fuck out of some glowsticks, then straight up drops down and pops his booty
Dad: YEAH! Get it tight, son!

Nope. None of that should have ever happened. While I’m not going to deny the outstanding awesomeness of watching your ginger kid rave for his goddamn life on that Cookie Monster beach blanket, I’m very concerned with your style of parenting.

Let there be no surprises when your son keeps raving for attention from you, and when that no longer brings cries of “get it tight, son,” and “clap that shit,” he’ll start snorting Pixi Stix and dosing hard on Smarties. Then he’ll start a downward spiral into Fanta, which leads to harder things like Faygo. That’s where it turns dark–you know what Faygo causes, sir? Juggalos. Faygo=Juggalos4Lyfe.

I hope your raving ginger kid was worth the dark carnival of souls.

4. Re: Ranch Dressing

Lady in Wal-Mart: We can’t just be buying up ranch dressing. We ain’t the damn Kardashians, Ron.

Truer words, my good lady. As a very fancy lady myself, who often takes bubble baths and keeps cats and eats only sub-par dressing sauces on my salads and french fried potatoes, I can assure you that only the fanciest can be buying up ranch dressing. And when one thinks of the height of fancy class, grace, and overt elegance, one’s mind immediately brings up pictures of Reggie Bush giving it fancy dirty to Kim Kardashian, who does have the money to be buying up ranch dressing.

Ron was seriously out of line in expecting ranch for his side dishes. Bravo to your bravery in establishing the social order madame, bravo.

5. Re: My Goddamn Face

Child: Slams a giant ball right into my face during my rice and pasta selection time
Me: Stares in abject horror
Child’s Mother: Did you see that? Merlin just hit some bitch in the face with that ball. MERLIN. Don’t go hitting no bitches with that ball. Slaps the ball out of Merlin’s hand, bouncing it into the rice and knocking over a shitload of it
Merlin: Begins whipping rice about like a grain tornado

1) Your kid’s name is Merlin
2) That mini-assbomb nailed me right in the gob with a giant ball and you called me a bitch afterward
3) Your kid’s name is Merlin
4) You knocked over a metric fuck-ton of rice and walked away like it never was a thing
5) Your kid’s name is Merlin
6) You didn’t even flinch when MERLIN began mercilessly whipping Uncle Ben at everyone’s shocked riceholes because goddamnit, you needed to finish that text
7)YOUR CHILD IS NAMED MERLIN GODDAMNIT

I hate everyone for all of the reasons.

–

What are some spectacular visions of humanity that you’ve seen lately?

{ 31 comments }

Funny Bitch Friday: Pregnant Chicken

07/13/2012 · 8 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

Most of the time, I don’t think pregnancy is funny. It’s kind of horrifying and awful and doesn’t end with great results because even after you’re done being pregnant, you have to deal with a goddamn baby. Most of the time, I won’t even joke about pregnancy because as Garfunkel and Oates says, pregnant women are smug.

Pregnant Chicken has shown me that I am so goddamn wrong about all of it. I can’t remember the last time I read about the gross and real parts of pregnancy and laughed my ass off. You win, PC, you win.

Awkward Pregnancy Photos

New Dad Survival Guide

Happily Ever After Giving Birth: 10 Things They Don’t Tell You

When I Have Kids I Will Never ________

Porn for Pregnant Ladies

{ 8 comments }

Me Look Pretty One Day

07/11/2012 · 45 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This,Psychological Warfare

Thanks, Alicia, for taking the pictures and also being witness to the slow destruction of my mind.

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Ever failed at something on Pinterest (or EHow, or any of the other bullshit sites)? Tell me about it!

{ 45 comments }