I ran across a listing on Zillow last night for a way-too-good-to-be-true house for rent in Bay Ho, a neighborhood of San Diego with mostly mid-60′s ranch-style homes in a quiet area. This house was everything we wanted: not too big, not too small, a big backyard, mid-century, relatively new kitchen and all for only $1500/mo, all utilities included (water, electric, trash, cable, internet).

The utilities alone were enough to make me call “bollocks!”, but the price was the kicker. It’s hard to find sizable rentals under $1700 and those are usually well under 900 sq ft., so I had a feeling it was falderal, but I’d hate to pass up an opportunity if one presents itself, so dubiously, I emailed for more information.

This morning I received this email from a woman named “Peggy Phillips”:

Thanks for your interest.My home is available for rent and ready for you to move in,once you agree to my terms.Though,we wanted to sell but for the advice of my family about the property market we did decide to rent it out and we are looking for a God fearing family that could take good care of our home.

The property is located in a 1,556 sqft.A 3 bedrooms and 2 Bathrooms.Pets are allowed and the rent is all inclusive.The rent is $1,500 while the security deposit is $1000.

Ah, the ol’ “God Fearing Family” routine. I’ve hear this song before.

I replied back that I am not a god-fearer, but am a responsible, successful entrepreneur with excellent credit and stable income. Their month-to-month set-up is not for me, but how much are they selling for?  I said I’m in the market to buy (which is true) and I’d like to see the property right away. Oh, but I’m also a science-loving atheist with two same-sex live-in lovers, 4 pot-bellied pigs and a miniature pony.  *waits*  I knew by now that this was 99.9% a scam, but now I just wanted to see how far they’d go.

Within a few hours, I received a long reply full of repetition and typos, assuring me that I would be perfect for their property. But, it was also a God-fearing bonanza. They must’ve said the phrase “God-fearing” like 30 times. Naturally, they were leasing the property themselves due to their “former realtor being unreliable”, but oh! By the way, they’re in Washington, so could I please send them the application and deposit right away since there is so much interest? Then they’ll mail me the keys so I can see the house! Joy of joys!

Um… no. But I’d be happy to send you this cordial reply:

“Peggy”,
Thank you for your reply, but you shan’t see a red cent or an application from me.

1) I Googled your phone number and found you have several listings on Zillow scattered throughout the country (Chicago, Bridgeport, Los Angeles, Miami, and Seattle, to name a few) using the phone number you’ve provided (which is a land line based out of Pikesville, Maryland, by the way, not Washington) for the exact same price and security deposit in every city. Because that’s not suspect at all.

2) You keep pushing this “God fearing” thing — something you’ve mentioned too many times for it to smell fresh. Your religious affiliations have no bearing on a business transaction and your continued insistence that you are “God-fearing” and you want a “God-fearing tenant” conflict with your comments that I’m perfect for the property, as I’ve declared myself an extra gay science-loving atheist with a small zoo. This only tells me that you think I’m not smart enough to figure out that this is a scam and that I will blindly mail my money to someone I’ve never met in person simply because you “love Jesus”.

4) Your email is so full of typos and redundancies, it was very likely copied and pasted from numerous other email scams and/or you have a poor grasp of the English language. I’m going with both.

5) Someone lives there, Mensa. Next time pick a property that isn’t occupied already.

If you are a legitimate landlord and property owner, my application would probably be declined after this email. But since you are likely a scammer and emailing me from Nigeria and not Washington, you may kindly go fuck yourself.

Fearing Only Clowns,
Joelle

I boggles the mind that people actually send these miscreants money.

So, we moved. We’re here, in beautiful San Diego, my hometown and favorite city to live in.  I’m grateful to be here and so happy to be home with my friends, the fresh air and my beloved Mexican food. But getting here was a lesson learned.

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How sad. I have 2 double-bagged Trader Joe’s paper sacks full of magazines to unload pre-move: 4 full subscriptions (Self, Health, Cooking Light and Weight Watchers, with maybe a rogue People or an Eating Well thrown in there somewhere), over 2 years of issues — and I though I might donate them to the public library up here instead of just recycling them.

The library here is only open 4 days a week and their recording said “due to limited demand” they’re not accepting book or periodical donations anymore.

That makes me sad. I love the internet — my life revolves around it. But I have such fond memories of spending time in the library as a kid. I participated in summer reading programs and my dad would drop me off for full days of hanging out in the stacks reading Judy Blume, Paula Danziger, and Roald Dahl. I would even sneak over to the grown up side of the library and pour over biographies and occult books, reading about gangsters, Hollywood starlets and ghosts. (And when I got a little older, I read all those trashy V.C. Andrews books, naturally.)

Reading was such a huge part of my formative years, that it’s really disappointing libraries are struggling so much.