Snobs vs. Slobs

Current baseball nicknames in use:
Everyone’s Favorite Genius Dusty Baker, former Cubs manager. Not actually a genius.
Murt McGurt/Murton For Certain/Carrot-Top/Naranja Matt Murton, Cubs outfielder.
The Fat Shortstop Juan Uribe, White Sox shortstop. He has weight problems.
Knuckles McGee Charlie Haeger, White Sox pitcher. He’s a knuckleball pitcher and, therefore, a site favorite.
Roberto No-throw-a: Cubs relief pitcher Roberto Novoa. Novoa throws real hard, doesn’t strike anyone out, and hands out walks like a religious zealot hands out pamphlets. Naturally, Dusty Baker loved him.
Grimace – Aramis Ramirez, Cubs 3B. Aramis, like the famous McDonaldland character Grimace is somewhat pear-shaped and immobile. And while Grimace is merely hungry for McDonald’s food when he steps up to the plate, Aramis is hungry to hit the ever-living crap out of the ball. And he does.
TippyPitch McGee Jose Contreras, White Sox pitcher. He’s got a propensity for tipping his pitches.
The ChiPod, Pods Scott Podsednik, White Sox outfielder.
The Magic Elf Kirk Hinrich, Bulls guard. He has slightly pointed ears and is relatively small and white. Like an elf.
Bald Spot Paul Konerko, White Sox first baseman. As explained in the Handsome Man team, his bald spot is slowly taking over his head.
Chairman Mauer Joe Mauer, Twins catcher. Bestowed upon him by friend of the site BatGirl. He is a nemesis of the White Sox.

Current football nicknames:
Rexy, Rexstacy, Sexy Rexy Rex Grossman, Bears quarterback. “Rexy” was Steve Spurrier’s name for Grossman while both were at Florida. “Rexstacy” was coined by the fine folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber, an excellent football blog.

Nicknames used sparingly:
Baseball
Handsome Corey Corey Patterson, Orioles outfielder. Speaks for itself.
The Future Brandon McCarthy, Former White Sox pitcher. Traded in offseason deal to the Texas Rangers.
The Artists Formerly Known as the Snugglies The Chicago Cubs. The Snugglies is a nickname bestowed on the Cubs by Joe Sheehan and used a great deal by Chris Kahrl. “Snugglies” is a reference to the Cubs’ marketing strategy to make the team as lovable as possible. With the recent string of booing at Wrigley, Ross has taken to calling the Cubs the Artists Formerly Known as the Snugglies.
The Meat Tray Sergio Mitre, Marlins/ex-Cub pitcher. He serves it up, as though it was on a meat tray. Also, that’s his name.
Hot Pants Kyle Farnsworth, New York Yankees reliever. He wears tight pants and throws 100 mph. He is rumored to be a Mormon.
The Hitless Wonder, The First-Pitch Express Neifi Perez, former Cubs infielder. While he has a golden glove, Neifi’s propensity for hitting for good contact, yet never with a decent SLG or OBP keeps him a Dusty favorite.
Calfzilla Mark Prior, Cubs pitcher. Prior earned this monicker at USC. He has enormous calves. It’s tough to see on television, but next time you watch Mark Prior pitch, look at his calves… then look at Derrek Lee’s calves in comparison. Now, Derrek Lee is a big guy, and probably has pretty impressive calves of his own, but Prior’s calves are just freakishly large.
The Ozzeroo, The Quote Machine Ozzie Guillen, White Sox manager and eloquent man. Quite simply, no manager in major league baseball even comes close to saying stuff as entertaining as Ozzie does.

Basketball
The Executioner- Ben Gordon, Bulls guard. He takes over in the fourth quarter and executes teams.
Baby Shaq, Easy E, Skyline Eddy Curry, New York Knicks/Bulls center. Easy E is obvious, Baby Shaq was what some were calling him on draft day, 2000, and Skyline because of his tattoo of the Chicago skykine. Ross’ favorite basketball player.
The über-moron Chad Ford, ESPN Insider columnist. His columns on ESPN.com are about as inane and stupid as it gets. His outlandish love for unathletic Euros and his constant trade speculation make him a contender for “Dumbest person at ESPN,” a title which can fit a lot of people over there.
The Four-Letter Network ESPN sports network. I am increasingly unhappy with the way they cover sports up there in Bristol. Worldwide leader, my ass. (Unless they want to hire either of us)