Write Around Portland

Newsflash: The Apocalypse Has Been Cancelled

Nov 15, 2012 by Jenna Zine

[Photo Credit: Committed]

When Advertising Campaigns Go Awry

Nov 11, 2012 by Jenna Zine

Oh, Oregon State - what possessed you? Yes, Portlandia is wildly popular - and rightfully so. But I officially declare - this is taking "put a bird on it" too damn far. (Albeit with hilarious consequences. And bless that woman for being bold enough to agree to be the face of this campaign.)

[Photo Credit: from my phone. You can find this little gem in the hallway at the Portland airport.]

A Visit From Judgey McJudgerson - The Katie Holmes Edition

Sep 25, 2012 by Jenna Zine

I know I said I was turning over a new leaf - up with humorous life anecdotes and down with celebrity gossip. (Well, down with me writing about it - not down with me reading it. What can I say? I love, love, love it; much to the disappointment of my brain.) But, as most of you know, I have very little self control. I also have a tendency to say one thing and do another. In short I am a good-hearted, weak-willed, dilettante who can't resist a piece of candy. And this Katie Holmes "I'm a victim of Scientology" bullshit is a big fucking piece of candy. 

I'm not one to argue with the esteemed Vanity Fair, but in this case... I must. The cover story should be called What Katie Knew - and the tagline should be Everything. Katie Holmes is savvy and, in my opinion, was more than happy to get a leg up in Hollywood by signing on to be Tom Cruise's wife. Only Blake Lively could give this little lady a run for her money in the upper echelon of world-class famewhoring. (Kim Kardashian and Co. being the top of the heap, from the bottom of the barrel.) These young women want it, bad. 

Only, in Katie's case, her bid failed. (Perhaps not in the long run. Time will tell if this victim stance continues to gain her sympathy and opportunities.) The Cruise/Holmes courtship was an embarrassment of epic proportions. Did anyone buy that Tom was so overwhelmed with passion that he could not resist jumping on Oprah's butter-yellow leather couch? No, not one person. Did it become one of the most shocking, unintentionally hilarious gaffes in gossip history? Yes, yes it did. And so began the downward slide. Katie never got the cred she craved. There was no transition from "wife of Tom" to "wife of Tom and well-respected actress/Oscar-nominee" ala Nicole Kidman for Holmes. Instead, people just laughed. Every civilian from Iowa to L.A. could guess that their "love story" was a complete sham. And the mystery of Suri's birth/paternity didn't help their case either. 

My point? Katie was far more dissatisfied with her lack of career than with Scientology. (Though I do buy that she has legitimate concerns for Suri's well-being - she's a mother, not a monster.) A quick Google search - or, you know, having read any kind of entertainment publication backdating to the Eighties - reveals Tom's involvement in the "religion." It's not a secret. Nor are their creepy practices. Yet, she agreed to the union - and not with blinders on either. The real problem - and most likely the real impetus for the split - was the fact that Tom didn't pay out on his end of the bargain. The unquestioned industry acceptance followed by plum roles never materialized. Sure, Katie had everything money could buy - but the real prize/promise was never delivered. My guess is that she was ready to shed the mantle of "laughingstock" and embrace taking a chance on her own. (That, and the rumored contract was up.) Even in Hollywood there are no shortcuts - just short-sightedness. 

[Cover Credit: links to the in-depth Vanity Fair article. Just because I disagree with the title doesn't mean I didn't think it was incredibly well done. Also read Anne Helen Peterson's breakdown of the dissolution of the Cruise union. It's outstanding - as is her entire website!]

A Billboard Where Peace Reigns

Sep 25, 2012 by Jenna Zine

One of the many things I love about Portland is the city's attempt to embrace everyone, and the effort shows - right down to promotional billboards for soft rock FM stations. K103 has taken a bold stand. No favorites have been chosen in the ongoing Taylor Swift/John Mayer feud. No, not here. Instead a neutral stance is held aloft, as the two are forced to sit side by side in airbrushed harmony; proving that there's more than enough room for both douchebag Lotharios and 22-year old unicorn-loving twees in the Rose City. It warms the heart. 

What In The What?

Sep 23, 2012 by Jenna Zine

Me: "I'm feeling a little warm. Could you please turn the fan on?"

Him: "What?"

Me: "The fan. Could you please turn it on?"

Him: "The fan?"

Me: "Yes, the fan! Could you please turn it on?" 

(The lights were out and the fan is on his side of the bed, for anyone wondering, "Why didn't you just turn it on yourself?" Plus he's my husband and he loves doing things for me - just not in this moment, apparently.)

Him: "You want the fan on?"

Me: "For the love of god. Yes, I want the fan on."

Him: "I'll turn the fan on for you."

Me: "Thanks! I was beginning to think you were trying to gaslight me." 

Him: "Gaslight?"

Me: "Yes, gaslight."

Him: "I've never heard of that."

Me: "Seriously?"

Him: "No. Gaslight? What is it?"

Me: "It's a phrase and a cultural touchstone regarding a person who is trying to drive someone else mad. It's derived from a movie."

Him: "A movie? What's the name of the movie?"

Me: "Gaslight."

Him: "Gaslight?"

Me: "Yes!"

Him: "The name of the movie is Gaslight?"

Me: "Yes! The. name. of. the. movie. is. Gaslight!" 

Him: "What's it about?"

Me: "It's about a wife who tells her husband to be quiet so she can go to sleep. She's really tired and doesn't want to engage in conversation anymore, but she promises to fill him in in the morning. It's very compelling."

Him: "Who's in it?"

Me: "You, in about 20 seconds if you do not shut it." 

Amends were made and bleary eyes soothed over coffee this morning. Needless to say, Gaslight was moved to the top of our Netflix queue, to be watched immediately. I still wonder though how he could not be familiar with Gaslight. Everyone knows that. Unless... wait a minute! 

Pork Belly, I'm So Gonna Do You

Sep 14, 2012 by Jenna Zine

"I'm gonna do." Remember such quaint phrases as, "I'd like to try the..." or "I'll have the..." To have, to do, to try - of the three, why does "do" ping my radar? It might be my dirty little mind (which nicely accompanies my trucker-like mouth), but "do" sounds so sexual to me. 

Perhaps it's the rise and rule of the foodie culture. Thanks to the Food Network, the Travel Channel and Bravo, everyone has access to the inner workings of restaurants like never before. One can educate him or herself simply by sitting on the couch! What a luxury. And if you're in front of your laptop instead of the tube, the fabulous Eater.com will fill you in on all you need know. (Want to learn from one of the best armchair enthusiasts around? Check out Steve Albini's website Mario Batali Voice. Who's Steve Albini? Oh, just that guy who recorded Nirvana - who happens to be both an incredibly talented writer and home chef on the side. All in a day's work.) 

Being a foodie is a luxury, which is where "to do" comes in. It's the Bacchanalia of our times. Pork belly with every dish! Farm to table in the form of cheeses and meats with carefully crafted backstories that would make Hemingway weep. The price of admission? A dinner reservation and whatever you're willing and able to plunk down. And thanks to the gourmet food cart craze, you can also get in on this willful orgy for $10 or less. Now that's a bargain - and you don't even have to strip down! 

My favorite "to do" theory that's been rattling around in my brain includes the celebrity chefs and sexy hosts that populate the airwaves. You might request the porchetta at Clyde Common, but what you're really asking for is an entree of Curtis Stone. Yes, Curtis is the catch - the one you take home to your parents and hope to marry (the adorable Gail Simmons being the female version). Anthony Bourdain is either the dirtiest one-night stand you'll ever have, or the hottest long-term relationship you'll ever know. (Seems like an either or with Anthony!) Eric Ripert and Padma Lakshmi are the refined unattainables - you can gaze longingly, but you're more likely to snag a last minute table on a Saturday night at Per Se than you are to find yourself in bed with either one of these two. Bubbly Rachael Ray is your sorority chick, the one you have that girl-on-girl kiss with as you lean over the keg and lock lips to the uproarious cheers of fellow party-goers. You can still laugh about it with her at the reunion ten years later over a bottle of Pinot Gris, as you show off your massive diamond rings while swapping stories about married life. For every sorority girl, there's got to be a frat guy nearby. I don't know why, but Rocco DiSpirito comes to mind. It might be that preppy bounce in his step. You'll crush on him for ages and, after months of flirting, you'll finally land the date - only to learn it's taking place at a sports bar, during a game, with his buddies in tow. He will get you your own frosted mug and pour your beers though, so you'll wind up giving him another chance. 

Granted, not everyone is casting their favorite chefs/hosts in a private rom-com, so I ran this theory by my husband to get another perspective. Not surprisingly, he had a completely different take. When he hears "I'm gonna do..." he thinks of checking things off a list. As indulgent as the foodie culture can be, there's also an air of competition. Have you had the fish sauce wings at Pok Pok? Yep, right after Andy Ricker* brought the recipe back from Thailand. What's next? In an era where time literally is as valuable as money, one has to be proactive. There's no window to get to Beast "one of these days" - not when new restaurants are springing up weekly. It's too easy to fall behind... and then what? You, my friend, will not be in the know. Are you gonna be like Nike and just do it?

*I can't leave this post without casting Andy Ricker. He would be the sweetheart you've known since high school - the good guy who, it turns out, is the love of your life and was right under your nose the whole time!

[Photo Credit: I did my best to deliver Padma to your bed, dear reader - but this is as close as I got. Credit links to a great article from the blog, Cooking Down Under. A fun read, which includes a very good reason why you should enjoy burgers in the privacy of your own home!]