Shut my mouth and call me Patchy.

Not a lot of news, so let’s talk about some patches, shall we?

There are lots of games out there that come out that are… shall we say… pieces of crap until some developer makes a patch to make it ultra cool and not so… crappy. Why do they put them out there with these bugs, you might ask? Well… because they want to make YOU, the consumer, happy by getting their software out by its release date. When they do that without testing and fixing all the bugs, however… You and I are both very unhappy customers. So we have to go to their websites and search and post in the forums and WHINE and CRY and weep yourselves to sleep every night until a patch comes out to fix your precious hours of entertainment.

What’s worse is when a bug is caused by your video card and then the game development company says “OH NOES! YOU CAN’T PLAY BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T USE OUR FAVORITEST VIDEO CARD EVAR! Go away and do not come back.”

Then what do you do?! Huh? What do you do?! You can never play the game until you get a brand new computer and I ain’t going to buy a new computer for a $40 game.

Oh wait, you can just buy a new video card.

Anyways. There’s some patches for some games that just came out that I’d like to share with you.

Adventure Gamers tells a tale of woe for the new game the Secret Files: Tunguska. Apparently this patch will fix several problems the game has with old piece of crap video cards and the super cool and new dual processors. It also has an alternate ending, where penguins tap dance with polar bears.

Okay… I just made that last part up, but they should at least put that in there as an Easter egg or something.

The best part of this patch is that it’s only for our German speaking friends. I feel abused.

You can read more about it in the Tunguska forums.

This update also comes to us from our Adventure Gamer friends. According to AG, a patch has been issued for Broken Sword: The Angel of Death. We are now on Broke Sword version 1.1. At least we’re not still on Windows 3.11, because that would suck. And what do those two topics have to do with one another, you might ask? NOTHING. I’m just rambling.

You can get the patch at Gamer’s Hell. Gamer’s Hell says that the patch fixes stuff like compatibility issues with ATI video cards. It also fixes some sound problems and some issues with older AMD processors.

See… Every game has video card problems. Jerks.

And finally… we bring you to some patches I earned while I was in the Girl Scouts a few years ago…

I got this one, because I totally survived summer camp. Those Boy Scouts tried to put my bra on the flag post, but I KILLED THEM. SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.

I got this one, because I love me some scrapbooking. My teacher said I was the best EVAR.

I got this one for playing my piano on a boat. MAN, that piano was HEAVY.

I got this one for killing an undead skeleton with a jump rope, while I was at a soccer game, eating a lunch of cheese and milk. That was the proudest day of my life.