...so anyway, as I was saying...
People often say that it's "raining cats and dogs"... Well, I don't know about that, but I'll never forget the day it was raining hedgehogs and gophers. Hundreds upon hundreds were literally dropping from the sky. Apparently, they fell out of a passing cargo plane. Faulty latched door, I suppose. Jeez, what a mess that was!... (Almost as bad as the day it was raining ferrets and badgers, but I'm getting ahead of myself...)
21 Personal Favorite Foods That You'll Never See On Any Restaurant Menu
(All highly recommended... and with only minimal health risks.)
Words of advice: Never sneak up on a sleeping cat and practice your bird calls. You'd be surprised how quick they are with those razor-sharp claws if they think a male white-throated sparrow (zonotrichia albicollis) is perched on their head...
Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, you're now able to get an infinite supply of my mindless drivel any time you'd like! All you have to do is simply click on...
THE RANDOM NONSENSE GENERATOR
Includes sentences never before uttered in the history of mankind! A guaranteed absolute time-waster! Different every time! No repeats!
I don't know about you, but my neighborhood is overrun with squirrels. However, unlike most people who feel that these pests are nothing more than a major nuisance, I say if it wasn't for those furry little friends I never would have been able to learn the art of taxidermy, prepare gourmet rodent delicacies or design fur-lined vests with matching bushy-tailed hats...
Sponges Their One And Only True Purpose In Life. Cement Boots Very Stylish, But They Ain't Coming Off. World Records Longest Fingernails? Biggest Tumor? Huh?? Supermans Suit Potential Secret Identity Problems Here. Squash Oh, Like You Wouldn't Have Done The Same Thing. Cold Medicine Better Read That Fine Print Again. My Dog I Didn't Even Know He Could Write. Stomach Growling What's Actually Causing Those Sounds? Beggars Begging For Acorns? Shocking Discovery Revealed! Astro-fish Someday They'll Be Launched Into Space! Miss Universe Proof That Those Pageants Are Rigged. Spy Satellites You're Wasting Your Time Spying On Me. Cannibals Mmm! Lung Appetizers! They're To Die For! Tear Gas Hey, What Are You Looking At? I'm Not Crying. Catboxes You Know, They're Not Just For Cats. Emergency Rooms How Serious Is A Disembodied Brain? If vampires can't see themselves in mirrors, then how come they always have perfectly combed hair?
Hey, remember what they say: "Don't cry over spilt milk"... That is, unless you're some truck driver who's just crashed his 18-wheeler and spilled 10,000 gallons of Grade A Homogenized Milk all over the highway...... then, I guess it's OK to cry.
Satanic Rituals Now What Are Those Kids Up To? Dinosaur Theory Maybe They're Not Extinct After All. Autopsies Hey, I'm Trying To Eat Over Here. Hypnotists My Plans For World Domination... Or Not. Famous Last Words No Great Wisdom On My Deathbed. Telephones My Solution To Those Annoying Phone Callers. Dogsleds Hey, It's Not In The Rulebooks. Monkey Massage Just Close Your Eyes And Enjoy. Boxers Do They Realize Their Head Is The Punching Bag. Slugs Why They Rarely Play Hide And Seek. Praying Mantis No Wonder They're Praying... Batman The Secret Contents Inside Batman's Utility Belt. Flying Cars OK, This Could Be A Major Problem... Vampires A Possible Flaw In The Wooden Stake Theory. Tortoise & the Hare How I'd Update The Classic Story. You know, for someone with eight eyes, it still amazes me that a spider never sees me sneaking up from behind to step on him...
I wonder if they'd still let you enter the "3-legged race" if, let's say, both you and your partner each had only one leg? (Hmm? Better check the rulebooks on that one.)
Raisins Don't Put That Thing In Your Mouth! Grand Canyon Hey, Don't Be Fooled. It's Just A Huge Hole. Tree Surgeons Surgeons? We're Talking About Trees Here. Wizard of Oz The Ugly Truth About This So-Called "Wizard". Cows The Secret Lives Of Those Wild Swingin' Party Cows. Superman Yea, Right... He's Got X-Ray Vision. Stone Age It Must Have Been Hard Getting Cozy Back Then. Voodoo Acupuncture Just Relax... I'm A Professional. Post Nuclear World End-of-the-World Fun For The Family! Time Machines I Still Haven't Met Anyone From The Future. Facial Creases And You Thought They Were From Pillows. Evil Dolphins Trust Me... They Are Pure Evil, I Tell You! Cartoon Lumps Warning- Do Not Try This at Home... Fortune Cookies It's About Time One Finally Came True... The Future Did I Mention It's Going To Be REALLY Hot?... It's a good thing firefighters don't "fight fire with fire" because then houses would burn down even faster...
If Cinderella had left behind a glass eye instead of a glass slipper, I bet it would have been a lot easier for the Prince to track her down...
Alien Abductions Noah's Ark Allergies Cats Locusts Candy Cigarettes Heck vs. Hell Beat the Crap Popeye The Sailor The Tin Man Alexander Graham Bell Trapeze Artists The Tooth Fairy Smokey the Bear Zombies Doctors Squinting Leftovers
I think I'm going to start wearing red contact lenses from now on. You know, just so photographs of me will finally have my real eye color... (Plus, it gives you that demonic possessed look that's sure to terrify the kids!)
Here's an interesting fact: I discovered that my next door neighbors house is about 20 feet away... or about 23,900 miles away if you walk in the opposite direction. (Give or take a few miles... I got a little lost in Western Samoa.) By the way, I highly recommend that 20 foot route. MUCH, MUCH quicker!...
What Do You Think?-
Read my Dreambook!
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Entire Contents Written by John Schlabach
1999-2003
...Final Last Thoughts...
I hear it's still a few years away, but I absolutely can not wait until scientists finally figure out a way to grow meat on trees. Just imagine the joy of relaxing under the shade of a large Meatloaf Tree or biting into a savory, tender between-meals snack that you've just picked right off the branch of a blossoming Pork Chop Tree. Hey, I'm going to plant an entire orchard of Pot Roast Trees! ... or better yet, have a Bologna Tree Plantation!!...
Whenever I'm at the zoo, I find that the only way to ever get a good, close-up photograph of the lions is to first rub raw gazelle meat all over my entire body, then to stand perfectly still right next to their cage and let them slowly stalk me... Hey, when they pounce, start snapping away!
Here's an advertising slogan I bet you won't be hearing anytime soon on TV: "Use 'Preparation H' and kiss your hemorrhoids good-bye!"
You know what the best part about wearing mittens is? You can constantly be giving people the middle finger and they'd never know!... Hey, why do you think I wear them in the summer?
OK, here are my results so far. Now, I know the old expression is "close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades", but I've discovered it also applies to dynamite, tear gas, smoke bombs, flame throwers, plutonium, acid rain, volcanic eruptions and nuclear explosions... I'll keep you posted on any further findings...
Next time you're serving a festive turkey dinner and everyone's fighting over the dark meat, why not do what I do... I find that a can of Mahogany Mocha Brown spray paint comes in quite handy during these family squabbles. Simply apply a thin even coat onto those uneaten slices of white meat and... voila, problem solved. Never run out of dark meat again! It's just that simple!
If I was that Wicked Witch of the West, I sure wouldn't have left all those buckets of water just laying around the castle. Jeez, that was a meltdown accident just waiting to happen... (Think I'd also work on my social skills. Maybe take an Anger Management class.)
I'd hate to get into a water balloon fight in Antarctica. With annual temperatures well below freezing, in a matter of minutes it would be like hurling solid ice-cannonballs at each others head. Hey, all it takes is one good direct shot to the temple and then the fun's all over... I bet you really could literally put someones eye out with one of those babies...
Do you think that golf courses in the desert have "grass traps"?
Hmm? That's odd. Opened a can of evaporated milk... and it was empty.
Bet I can guess what the least successful business in all of Munchkinland is... 'The Big and Tall Mens Shop' - Plus-Size Clothing For The Larger, Over 4-Foot Tall Munchkin.
Whenever I open a magazine and the combined odors from all those perfume samples wafts through the air, there's always that brief moment when I wonder... Is there a gas leak?
I test how hot my soup is exactly the same way that I test how hot my bath water is... by dipping in my big toe first.
I'm surprised that superheroes and villains don't just burst out laughing when they catch that first glimpse of each other in tights. I know I would. Seriously, how can you possibly stay mad at an arch enemy in a leotard and skintight briefs?
Hmm? Must have been dreaming about wallpapering last night. I woke up from a deep sleep with my pillowcases, sheets, blankets and bedding all plastered to the walls again... Not a bad job actually. Let me tell you, it's a lot cheaper than hiring someone...
Just where exactly on the fish is the fishstick?... And do I really want to be eating it?
Here's a snack food tip for your next get-together: cubed porcupine meat makes perfect appetizers. They're tasty, plus they come with their own handy toothpick!
You know, I occasionally see dogs wearing these cute little sweaters and I often think: When did dogs suddenly learn to dress themselves? I couldn't even train mine to "roll over"... Hey, all I know is this: If dogs can wear clothing, then I'm going to start putting swimming suits on my pet goldfish...
You know, I don't quite get synchronized swimming. All that splashing and flailing around. Looks more like synchronized drowning... Now to me, something like synchronized javelin throwing would be a lot more exciting. Oh yeah, sharp pointy spears and possible impalings. Now that's a sport!
Hey, everyone! Next week, I'm going to attempt the first ever Cordless Bungee Jump! Wish me luck...
Long before the "Rock, Paper, Scissors" game even became popular, cavemen used to sit around playing a similar version called "Rock, Rock, Rock"... No real winners though...
Here's a tip: the next time you're getting ready to fight vampires and you realize that you're completely out
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