Inside My Mind

Alas you won't find any trace of mania in my Mondays. Each Monday seems to be the same with little change or differance from pretty much every other day of the week. In other words, Mondays for me are just as ho-hum and boring as the other six days of the week.

This Monday is no different. While the mercury is rising during the day, the morning is still chilly almost cold. Rain is off to the west and moving in our direction. Soon the sunshine will give way to the clouds and the accompany precipitation falling from the sky.

Slept until the alarm went off this morning. Tried to ignore it, but eventually had no choice than to get out of the bed. I really had no reason to rise, but knew whether I wanted to or not, I couldn't stay in bed all day. Of course Iohn continued to slumber for another hour and a half.

Speaking of Iohn, he doesn't go back to work until Wednesday. Then he'll work at least through Saturday. Hopefully the patrons of the Twisted Spoke will be in the holiday charitable mood and reward him properly.

Thursday we will be driving down to Sullivan for Thanksgiving with Mom and Bill. As of now it looks like Jackalee, my niece, and Chance, my nephew, along with his girlfriend will also be sharing the meal with us. Still hoping we get in a few hands of euchre before we have to leave and Iohn go to work.

It may be 56 out in the Cornfield right now, but I'm tempted to turn on the heater. There's a chill in the air inside Mark's Den. Alright you talked me into it. I am going to move the heater into the living room and turn it on.

As I said there is no manic in my Monday. Another boring day waiting until evening when television viewing will hopefully provide some entertainment. On tap tonight is The Voice and Revolution. Later we will take in the first half hour of Jay Leno. Gots to see those headlines.

There are 30 days, but it seems we are rolling through November as if it were taking only a week. The month is more than half over and yet it seems it just began and we're looking at the end already. Thursday is Thanksgiving and one week later Kev, my youngest son, will turn 23. Can he really be that age?

When Iohn arrived at the Twisted Spoke last night shortly after 9 p.m., he was put to work immediately with Jello shots. The place was packed for the cancer benefit which featured a live band and a silent auction. When the band quit at 1 a.m., Iohn said the place cleared out. Iohn was able to close at 2 instead of 3 a.m. since no one was left in the bar. I managed to stay awake until he came home shortly after 2:30 a.m.

This morning breathing is not quite as labored as it has been. Had the usual morning coughing spells getting rid of infection-ladened slime that had built up over night. This has become a regular morning ritual. The pressure on my chest is less today, for some reason, than usual.

I am actually not feeling all that rough today. In fact so far today I am feeling better than I have felt in weeks. Of course there's still a lot of daylight and several more hours to go before this day is over.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I am resigning myself to the reality that I will most likely spend whatever days I have left on this Earth living in the Cornfield. The chance of relocating is down to nil. Don't like the idea, but unless I hit the lottery I can't see how we'll ever find our way to a more hospitable climate for me.

Should be able to get in a couple of hands of euchre when we go to Mom's on Thursday for Thanksgiving. We can't stay too late since Iohn has volunteered to work that evening. His shift starts at 7 p.m. and he works until close, whatever time that will be.

Well, guess I should just enjoy the warmer weather, getting up to 58 today, and the sunshine that is blanketing the Cornfield.

There is a real fear that I am sliding downhill and quite quickly hurling toward the bottom. From the continuing weight loss and breathing difficulty to the general malaise and lack of energy, the signs are there I am not as robust from day-to-day.

I know I've been talking about how I am tired of fighting my body. I know I've written about not wanting to continue the struggle in which I've been locked for over a decade now. Yet as it becomes more apparent as each day passes that I have hit the top of the mountain of life and now headed down the other side, it scares me and part of me wants to fight even more that I have.

It is a conundrum of sorts. While I'm fatigued with the battle, I do not want to surrender either.

The patrons at the Twisted Spoke showed their "love" for Iohn last night. We needed that. He is back behind the bar tonight, but not until 10 p.m. The bar is hosting a fundraiser for a woman afflicted with cancer. There will be food, drinks naturally, a silent auction and a band on hand to provide entertainment. In support Iohn has suggested we eat there this evening since it is only $5 for all you can eat with the proceeds going toward the benefit.

The mercury is rising today. I've already had enough of the cold and it's not even winter yet. Thanksgiving Thursday is looking like a beautiful day, sunny with highs in the 60s. So different than a couple of years ago when it was cold, rainy and turned to snow.

While we've been kicking around the idea of moving into the larger apartment next door or across the street into the mobile home, I am sort of reluctant to leave the current Mark's Den. The apartment size is adequate for us if not the most spacious. Of course with the toaster oven going kaput the other night and the range oven being dead for the last year, it is a bit of a problem on food preparation.

My mental state is anything, but positive this Saturday morning. I am pushing back against the darkness, but feel I'm losing this skirmish.

While the sun may be shining brightly across the Cornfield and the mercury is rising into the mid-50s today, it is not doing much to allay the anxiety I am feeling over my continued weight loss and difficulty in breathing. Every day it seems to get worse.

I am doing my best to maintain my sanity, but it is increasingly difficult. Between the concerns over my deteriorating health and our less than stellar financial outlook, I am more on edge than normal. Yet I tend to live on the precipice and have for several years. But I'm getting tired of fighting to keep from plunging over the cliff. I am wearing out not just physically, but mentally. Not sure how much longer I can resist the inevitable.

Back to the grind at the Twisted Spoke for Iohn this evening. He works from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. Hopefully tips will stay as good as they were on Sunday and Tuesday evening.

We are thinking about perhaps either moving into the larger 2-bedroom apartment next door when it becomes available or a 2-bedroom trailer across the street or just stay where we are. The rent and amenities would be the same in the next door apartment, but it needs a lot of work to make it what we would consider. The trailer would be on the ground floor and I would not have to climb the stairs. But, we would have to pay out for cable and internet. Rent would with paying our own cable and internet would be comparable to what we are paying now. But the current Mark's Den is homey and cozy. We have made it into a real home for us.

Looks like Thanksgiving will have decent weather at this time. No worry unless a change in patterns for snow or cold that day.

It's the weekend and much warmer temps for Saturday and Sunday. At least I have that to look forward to.

Looks like we may get a slight break in the cold weather that has hit the Cornfield come the weekend before the mercury slides back down next week. Sunday and Monday, the temperature is expected to rise to the high 50s.

This morning once again I received a fright as I realized that I was still losing weight. My legs are getting smaller as are my arms. The loss of "fat" is noticeable in my upper chest as well. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I had dropped 7 pounds to 149 from 156. This has me worried. Considering everything I continue to feel fine. My appetite is still good and I'm eating well. Yet, I continue to shed the weight.

It was my drastic weight loss last year and then again in February that led me to the doctor's office. It was learned after having lung surgery that I have/had a non-specific bacterial infection which ravished my right lung and was seeping into my left lobe as well. The cause was blamed on the hereditary condition that was destroying my teeth. The teeth and tooth stubs were removed. Yet now, I continue to drop the pounds and my frame continues to shrink. This seems to indicate there may be yet a new condition attacking my system. I am worried.

The stress from my concern seems to be feeding my cluster headaches which are once again exerting dominance. It also has an impact on my ability to breathe, which is labored all the time as it is. Then I'm stuck in the humid climate of Indiana with no way to relocate into a more hospitable clime. This adds to the anxiety.

Here I sit on this Thursday searching for a reason to look forward to the next year. Iohn is back working at the Twisted Spoke which helps, but is still not the most gainful employment. We still struggle to survive, but we are surviving.

To add the daily annoyances, our toaster oven, which has been our only means of baking or broiling, decided last night to call it quits. The oven on the kitchen range burned out over a year ago. We weren't too concerned since the top burners still work and we had the old toaster oven. Now we have no oven. We do have a microwave and the top burners, but much of what we eat and can afford to buy needs to be cooked in an oven. We're hoping our landlord will replace our range with one with a working oven. Otherwise it's looking at Craigs List and Goodwill to find either a free or cheap range or a toaster oven.

At least the sun is shining brightly across the Cornfield. Mark's Den remains warm and cozy. We have food. We have television. We have the internet. We have our "babies", Frankie and Gizmo. We have family who love us. We have each other.

What more do we really need?

While it seems this year has moved quickly from its start to the middle of November, at the same time, it seems that it is a slog, difficult trek, toward the end of the year. Time has spun the second hand around the face of the clock in what seems a dizzying fashion. Yet each day seems to take forever to come to an end. Part of that may be contributed to the national lunacy of setting our clocks back an hour each fall then forward an hour each spring.

Iohn doesn't work now again until Friday night. The past couple of nights he has worked tips have been up from where they were when he first started at the Twisted Spoke. Here's hoping that trend continues. Our economic survival is dependent on those gratuities from bar patrons.

A gray day across the Cornfield as the day began, but it is expected to be sunny for most of the day. The mercury won't make it to 50, though it will be close. Night temperatures continue to fall into the 20s. There's an expected slight warm-up by week's end.

Mentally I am probably at one of my lowest points in a very long time. I keep fighting against the darkness, but it would be rash of me to dismiss the impact it has on me each minute of each day. I guess as long as I am fighting that is a good thing.

The middle of the week and uncertainty of what may be or what may come is my constant friend. Uncertainty over whether we will survive into the new year breeds anxiety which I must also push back lest it overwhelm my sanity.

Last night was the coldest of the season. Inside Mark's Den, it was warm and cozy. Though the sun is shining brightly across the Cornfield, the mercury will remain chilly as the high reaches 44 today. Over night the temperature dropped to 25.

It's back to work tonight for Iohn as he goes in from 5 to close. Hopefully tonight's tips will rival those of Sunday. Lord knows we can use the funds just for weekly living expeneses.

We continue the arduous task of house breaking Gizmo. He is such a smart puppy, but is also very hard headed and stubborn. At times I'm ready to throw my hands in the air and scream.

Getting more use to my dentures all the time. I have found that for the best fit and ease of eating, I need to use adhesive on my top plate as well as the bottom plate. When the dentist made adjustments to the top plate so that it was not causing pain, it had the side effect of making the fit a less tight.

My eyes, which I do a check each day as advised by the ophthamologist, seem to be remaining constant. This is good since I have already been informed that eventually the presumed occular histoplasmosis syndrome will result in total loss of sight in both eyes.

The cluster headaches have provided some respite lately though not complete relief. At least I can say the intensity of late has dimminished making life tolerable.

Depression is ever my constant companion. With the season change, the seasonal adjustment disorder kicks in as well which means I have to push the ignore button even harder and hold it down.

The biggest issue medically I face each hour, each day is labored breathing. The inhalers make a major difference, but do not take away the difficulty completely. Not sure what I would do or how I would make it without the inhalers.

Going to do my best today to take in the sunshine and push ahead in spite of any obstacles that rise up along the road of life.