Chris Kluwe: Kick Ass
10.2.2012
By Cyd Zeigler
Photography by David Bowman
Styling by Brent Austin Coover
"Your insults can’t be the standard fuck, shit, bitch -- it has to be something that sticks in people’s minds,” says Chris Kluwe, the Minnesota Vikings punter, explaining how to craft a devastating letter to someone whose views you hold reprehensible. “Generally the way you do that is to take a swear word—usually a part of someone’s anatomy -- and attach it to something else that it normally wouldn’t go with. When you come up with a good one, you’ll know you have it because you’ll just start giggling to yourself.”
For example, “lustful cockmonster.”
On September 7, you could sense the howls of laughter reverberating across the Internet after Kluwe’s excoriating letter to Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. was published on the sports fansite Deadspin and quickly went viral. A week earlier, in a letter brimming with self-importance, Burns had told the Baltimore Ravens to “order” linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo to cease advocating for same-sex marriage. Kluwe’s response was a master class in how to take down a pompous and wrong-headed ass.
“I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland’s state government,” Kluwe’s letter started, reasonably enough. “Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level.” Kluwe then went on to dismantle Burns’s position, point by point, culminating in a crescendo of wit and impishness -- and that now-fabled coinage. It’s worth running the penultimate paragraph in full, if only because it does such a good job of clarifying the issues:
“I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population -- rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?”
Oh, he also called Burns a “narcissistic fromunda stain” -- which is just showing off.
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Comments
Has anyone noticed the resemblance of this shoot to Craig Gilmore's character Jon in the 1992 film "The Living End" by Gregg Araki? I'm wondering whether this is a coincidence; the hairdo, the clothes.
GORGEOUS MAN INSIDE AND OUT!!!!!
As a long time Vikings fan (a l-o-n-g suffering Vikings fan;) nice to see them have a great year so far and even better to see such a smart, articulate guy speak up for what he knows is right."Treat others the way you want to be treated" sooooo simple, but so hard for most folks to grasp!
GO CK! GO VIKINGS!
He and Smart Ass Cripple are two of the most underrated writers in America today.
Yummy
Seriously - this is a good person doing great things. The courage to break the boundaries and stand up for PEOPLE makes Chris Kluwe a true sportsman, a true hero.
It is so good when somebody come out to fight on our side against all discrimination that still exist. We all should thank for those who embrace our cause of equal rights. I am very proud of him!
And where's Brendon Ayanbadejo's article with a sexy layout in Out Magazine? Could it be.... is it possible... nah, couldn't be because he's an African-American.
Good question. I can't find any coverage by Out about Ayanbadejo's activism for LGBT rights. What gives? In general, Out suffers from a lack diversity in its articles, models and writers. It's a very white yuppie gay male magazine. Would it really hurt any Out readers to hear about or from a woman or person of color once in a while?
Good question. I can't find any coverage by Out about Ayanbadejo's activism for LGBT rights. What gives? In general, Out suffers from a lack diversity in its articles, models and writers. It's a very white yuppie gay male magazine. does anyone have an answer for this?
Playing the race card here is off base. Grow up.
Why is it so off base? It is a good question. We should particularly be shining a light on African American folks like Brendon who take a stand for equality, especially given the distance we still have to travel in the AA community. Let's push Out and other media to give equal time to all footballers who stand with us and for us.
Yes: where is Ayanbadejo's article? Between him, Kluwe, and Scott Fujita, there could be a whole piece on attitudes towards gay marriage in the NFL.
I think Kluwe has gotten the lion's share of attention because of the way he presents his message: he's unabashedly confrontational and used plenty of swear words in that initial letter.
That said, I'm ALL for Brandon getting his due - he's smart, compassionate and smoking hot. Get on it, OUT!
I think the previous commentors have not mentioned the "H" word: Hero. The tide is turning with courageous people from unilkely places standing up to the stupidity they see rather than just going with what has been the sentiment for years. I can only say thank you.
I WOULLD LIKE THE CONTACTS OF KLUWE, TO GET INTOUCH WITH HIM,
You have it: @ChrisWarcraft Follow him on Twitter, and Tweet him! :-)
I love this guy, and I take comfort in knowing that one day there will be hundreds of pro athletes this smart, well-spoken, and caring. Not just, uh, two.
I love this guy... and hot to boot. I guess he's not afraid to show a little skin. It's nice when someone is secure in their own sexuality. Um... Um... Where was I? Funny how the negative comment on here was left by "anonymous".... Ha!
Emmet C. Burns, Jr. posted :
"He's a sick dude with an agenda. He isn't any different than somebody wanting attention like the Kardashians."
Irony, your hiding place has been located and transmitted to the world. You can blame Rep. Burns, Jr.
Clever guy....
Hidden Object Games
Do unto others as I have done to you....Treat others as you would like to be treated....Most successful societies are so because of how they treat those who are different or have less than the rest. Sensing a theme here? Any way you want to put it we're all here, and under the skin, we're all the same. Why oh why do some think they're more deserving than others? Maybe as Kluwe says "it's a lack of maturity". Please GROW UP PEOPLE! Having said that, I'm gonna indulge my inner child and say DAY-UM CHRIS, would love to spend a day in the locker room with you
The more he talks, the hotter he is. He's the anti-Lochte.
Thanks for the in-depth article, Zeigler.
If more people were as outspoken as Chris about the injustices he sees, the world would be a better place. I must admit, however - few are able to express themselves with anywhere near as much panache and chutzpah as Chris Kluwe. He's a whole lotta awesome.
And he's gorgeous!
“It’s all about the Golden Rule,” he says. “Treat other people as you want to be treated. It’s that simple. It’s something that needs to be spoken about, and it’s something I can do while fulfilling my job as a football player.”
Amen
I prefer the Platinum Rule. "Treat others the way they want to be treated."
Is it okay to say he's really hot?
Please like our facebook page! This group is about Chris Kluwe and his amazing words of wisdom when it comes to equal rights! Thank you Chris! We stand with you - Gay, Straight, Human ... we all stand together!
www.facebook.com/pages/Pro-Equal-Rights-Chris-Kluwe-Fans/28045392...
He's a sick dude with an agenda. He isn't any different than somebody wanting attention like the Kardashians.
At least he isn't on E! 40% of the week.
Sick NO! Agenda Yes! His agenda is for gay Americans to be treated as such! End of agenda.
Why is a troll like you on a gay site?
Really? Someone fiercely advocating for equality and human rights is no different than a plastic-manufactured media tart who can't stay married longer than two and a half months?
Pull your head out of your ass while the grown-ups are talking.
At least he does not post as anonymous. If you feel so strongly about that and feel you are right, then why hide your name? The rest of us (gay, bi, trans, AND straight) are not ashamed and do not hide.
if by sick dude, you mean deeply thought provoking, intellectual, caring, and a great straight male role model, then yeah, he's SICKKKKK!
Thanks Chris....what you say is so very true (and you did with such a "flourish")...Many people agree with you, but since it appears to bother some people in power, they say nothing! You put it in "lay" man's terms and even "EVERYDAY" Joe can grasp it! Thansk again...would love to meet you and shake your hand one day!!!! You are the best!!!!
Chris Kluwe is an amazing human being! I just read through all of his recent blog posts - Burns + several others. The Coach story - saving lives - is the heart of what is critical about every single element of full equality for LGBT citizens. No Child should be forced to grow up within the context of being considered less than - anyone, just because you ARE or your family unit incl