The New York Times’ Pete Wells has a few questions for Guy Fieri, who just opened a humongous restaurant in Times Square.

Actually, Wells has 49 questions, and not one of them is going to send a customer into the Goatse-sized bunghole of an eatery for a Farm Black Angus beef patty covered in something called Donkey Sauce.

When a review opens with an intro like this, you know you’re in for a wild ride:

GUY FIERI, have you eaten at your new restaurant in Times Square? Have you pulled up one of the 500 seats at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar and ordered a meal? Did you eat the food? Did it live up to your expectations?

Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex?

Wells takes no prisoners.

Were you struck by how very far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders are? If you hadn’t come up with the recipe yourself, would you ever guess that the shiny tissue of breading that exudes grease onto the plate contains either pretzels or smoked almonds? Did you discern any buttermilk or brine in the white meat, or did you think it tasted like chewy air?

And:

By the way, would you let our server know that when we asked for chai, he brought us a cup of hot water?

When you hung that sign by the entrance that says WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?

And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?

Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?

Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?

It’s beyond sad when virtually every aspect of the Guy Fieri Experience is so disappointing you’d rather eat at Chuck E. Cheese’s or an elementary school cafeteria. It’s even more sad that this monstrosity takes up enough Manhattan real estate to house a few thousand restaurants that don’t suck.

The only good thing about Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square is this review.

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