News

New York DA’s Previous Profession: Porn Star!

by Doug Stephan on November 19, 2012

A New York district attorney has admitted that he acted in pornographic movies in the 1970s. Mark Suben, the DA near Syracuse has stated that he lied about his past in the days before this year’s election. Suben, who used the pseudonym Gus Thomas, apologized for his “bad judgment.” His spokeswoman, however, has stated that Suben will not resign.

Keep Reading ⇒

What Every Bitter Lawyer Wants for Christmas, Part 1

by Doug Stephan on November 13, 2012

The holidays can be a difficult time for the legal profession. Some new graduates have to face their extended family for the first time since failing the bar exam. Others are now inundated with questions from friends casually seeking legal advice. But let us focus on the bright side of this time of year: You are probably going to get some gifts. And free gifts are awesome.

Keep Reading ⇒

I Say, You Say, We All Hearsay

by Doug Stephan on November 8, 2012

Coming to a Civil Procedure exam near you: James Washington has been convicted of a 1995 murder after giving what he thought was a death bed confession when he suffered a heart attack, only to survive. Washington, who was already in prison, believed he wouldn’t live to face the consequences as he told guard James Tomlinson that he killed Joyce Goodener. After surviving the heart attack, Washington tried to take back his statement, but it was too late. Washington now faces a life sentence.

Keep Reading ⇒

BREAKING: Early Polls Show Democrat With 22 Point Lead Over Challengers!

by Bitter Staff on November 6, 2012

This just in. Polls are showing Democrat Jed Bartlet with a commanding lead in the Bitter Lawyer Presidential Election. Mr. Bartlet, who served as President in the West Wing, has so far received 44.44% of the vote. His closest challengers, Thomas Whitmore (Independence Day) and James Marshall (Air Force One), are tied at 22.22%. However, analysts agree that Bartlet would lose in a fist fight with either Whitmore or Marshall.

Keep Reading ⇒

The Bitter Lawyer Presidential Election

by Doug Stephan on November 5, 2012

Which Harvard nerd should win on Election Day? One is a boring Con Law professor who sounds like, well, a boring Con Law professor; the other is the jackass boss from Office Space.  One guy is the pretentious dork who homebrew craft beer, the other has never drank a beer in his life. You know it is a bunch of Harvard dorks when President Obama, who wears sweatpants when playing basketball, is the tough guy (Tagg Romney excluded). Off the court, President Obama wears mom jeans . . . okay, well so does Mitt. Seriously, you both are millionaires; you can’t buy a normal pair of non-mom jeans? They do have nice suits and ties, but neither have cool personalized fleeces like Chris Christie. Nonetheless, on Election Day we must make a choice between the two barristers. Either way, so long as the commercials and emails stop, we all win. Except the Corn Dogging commercial. That can stay. I love corn dogs. However, there are better choices. America has had great leaders that deserve a write-in vote. Thus, without further adieu, we present the 2012 Bitter Lawyer Election.

Meet the Candidates

Gambling Ring Took Big Bets On Pee Wee Sports

by Doug Stephan on November 2, 2012

After booze, gambling might be the legal community’s worst vice. Perhaps it is our competitive nature. Maybe it is our addictive personalities. Sometimes I think that we just believe we are smarter than the wise guys in Vegas (we aren’t) and cannot resist betting because it’s ‘a lock’ (it’s not). However, I hope our Florida lawyers were smart enough to avoid a recently discovered gambling ring allegedly taking bets of local Pee Wee football games. Yes. Pee Wee football. The South Florida Youth Football League was rocked this week when Broward Sheriff’s Office uncovered several coaches, parents and team officials ran a massive gambling operation exploiting kids between the ages of five and 15.

Keep Reading ⇒

An Ugly Divorce

by Jeana Brookes on October 31, 2012

Divorces can be ugly, especially when “ugly” is the reason for the divorce in the first place. Jian Feng, living in Northern China, sued his wife when he found out that she had plastic surgery prior to meeting him. It may be old news in China, but Fox News recently resurfaced the story of an odd divorce that occurred in May 2012 and since its headline, it has gone viral.

Keep Reading ⇒

Bieber Fever

by Doug Stephan on October 26, 2012

Justin Bieber needs Justice Beaver. According to a new lawsuit filed against the popstar, by a Michigan man claiming to be Selena Gomez’s father, the Biebs is in a bunch of trouble. Read on for a list of my favorite highlights from the lawsuit.

Keep Reading ⇒

Scalia Spews Career Advice on Law Students

by Bitter Staff on October 26, 2012

Our brethren . . . errr . . . bloggeren (?) over at Lawyerist reported today that Justice Antonin Scalia of the United States Supreme Court has some advice for law students:

Take the bread-and-butter courses. Do not take, ‘law and women,’ do not take ‘law and poverty,’ do not take ‘law and anything.’

That’s cool. Very good of him to offer law students his wisdom on their course schedules. But is he the best source of advice for today’s law students facing a market like none other in history? Moreover, when was the last time he was out there in the market? 1967. 1967!? And he didn’t even make partner at this firm. Oh, what did you say, Tony? You had always wanted to teach, that’s why you left your firm before making partner? Yeah, sure. Face it, you couldn’t handle the real world – Mr. Supreme Court Justice! Just pathetic. Clearly, he’s a Bitter Justice.

Any who, is he the best person to be doling out law school guidance advice to the next generation of law-talkers?

Postscript: Tony sure doesn’t look like he’s been on a bread-and-butter diet these days.

Via Lawyerist.com.

Woman Serves Chicken Gizzards To Husband, Pays Price

by Doug Stephan on October 22, 2012

Jabulani Ncube, 40, was on trial for assault of his wife when he raised the old Zimbabwe chicken defense. Ncube was upset that his wife, Nomusa Sibanda, 24, served chicken for dinner and kept the breast and one drumstick for herself. Sibanda gave her husband the gizzards, wings and the other drumstick. This apparently ruffled Ncube’s feathers and he assaulted Nomusa. According to the local tribal court, the tastiest parts of the chicken — the back, breast and drumsticks — are to be reserved for the man of the house. Thus, the tribal court found Nomusa guilty and fined her one chicken for the offense. The court also fined Sibanda’s grandmother, Gogo MaDawu, one chicken for failing to teach her granddaughter “how to treat her husband and dish out meals.”

Keep Reading ⇒