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A Girlfriend Attempts to Name 10 Baseball Players

For as relentlessly as the ESPN family of networks air in our home, my girlfriend Sussy has done a remarkable job of blocking the flow of sports information into her brain. My challenge to her: try to name 10 major league ballplayers.

The first name out of her mouth was Manny Ramirez - makes sense, he’s one of baseball’s best hitters and most memorable personalities. Next she said “A-Rod” - again, one of the most recognizable figures in baseball. Two names, two future Hall of Famers. Naturally, the next player she named was… Chuck Knoblauch. I thought perhaps the former Twin was on her radar because she was born in Minnesota, but no - she conjured up the Knoblauch name because, “He once hit Keith Olbermann’s mother in the face with a throw.”

Next Sussy named Derek Jeter - a no-brainer, current All-Star, oft-mentioned in her celebrity rags of choice. But she had to take a drastic U-turn through history to come up with her next name: Tommy Lasorda. While not a player, per se, the former Dodgers manager was big in 1980s LA, where she spent her childhood. This is the same reason that the #6 MLB player she could name was one-time Dodgers ace Orel Hershiser, who threw his last pitch nine years ago.

She named another Twin next in Kirby Puckett - and replied “HE’S DEAD!?!!” when I disputed the naming of deceased players. (Puckett died of a stroke in 2006 - out of respect, I decided to let his name stand.) Next she got a bit hung up trying to recall a player known more by his distinctive nickname - “It’s something like The Deuce, or the Squeeze, or the Unit.” Or - The BIG Unit, pitcher Randy Johnson, a player who Sussy will from this day forward describe as “He once killed a bird with a pitch.”

At this point in the challenge she got desperate and tried to cheat, naming “Tito, uh, Gonzalez,” thinking that SURELY at SOME point in baseball history there’s been a Latino player by that name. (There hasn’t.) But then she had an ah-HA! moment as she remembered “That guy who complained about riding the 7 train in Queens.” Could she mean former Braves reliever/punchline John Rocker? I asked her what this player had complained about, specifically. SUSSY: “He said there were ‘too many queers’ and ‘people with purple hair and AIDS.’” Yes, that’s John Rocker.

With nine down and just one remaining player to be named, she said, with no hesitation, “And Brandon Inge.” As in… the Tigers’ third baseman and a career .237 hitter? Why, of all players in baseball, did she think of Brandon Inge? SUSSY: “There’s a playwright named William Inge who wrote a play called Picnic that we did my senior year of high school. William Inge, Brandon Inge– that’s memorable.”

So apologies to the tens of thousands of current and former major leaguers who do not have partial playwright namesakes - all your work is in vain.

Well, except for you, Red Sox single-A prospect Enrique Mamet.

This entry was written by Kula and posted on April 8, 2009 at 9:47 pm and filed under Everyday. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

2 Comments

  1. anony#2
    Posted April 9, 2009 at 12:50 am | Permalink

    Pretty impressive! Brandon Inge is currently on pace to hit 162 homeruns this year so he should be a household name pretty soon.

  2. Curious
    Posted April 10, 2009 at 6:59 am | Permalink

    Is this the girl who lists Killebrew in her credits?

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