Join us on Facebook
How NOT to Smuggle Cuban Cigars into the United States
Featured, Laugh Rich. — By Emily on November 21, 2011By Amy Vansant
My brother-in-law, Gary, is a GENIUS at getting his way. A self-serving savant. Somehow, he managed to institute a rule in MY HOUSE that during visits, I have to make him drinks until 9pm, at which time he must make his own. I don’t know how that happened, but everyone agrees it’s a rule. Gary could label an empty soda bottle “emergency air” and sell it to a stranger on the street. This is why I found it odd and delightful that he failed so miserably at smuggling Cuban cigars back into the United States after our family trip to Mexico.
Without issue, I passed through customs like a ninja, or like an aging blonde whose complete inability to properly apply eyeliner erased any possibility of hidden talents like spying or smuggling Russian nesting dolls made out of treated cocaine. It could have been the clever way I held my passport next to my face and said, “It’s me! Ha!” before handing it to the customs lady. (They love that.) However I accomplished it, they didn’t single me out for luggage check.
Gary was not so lucky. Security pulled the only member of our group doing anything vaguely illegal off to the side. At our resort, even our morning toast came deep fried, so we were all smuggling five extra pounds of converted Mexican food. Gary wasn’t the only one looking bulkier on the way home. I guess airport security’s instincts were just bang on that day.
An affable security officer unzipped Gary’s luggage and discovered three Cuban cigars attempting to find asylum in the United States.
The guy looked at Gary. Gary offered his most charming smile.
“Are these your cigars?” asked the guy.
Gary nodded. “Yep!”
Standing nearby, my eyes grew panicked and I looked away, searching for my husband. I had to tell him I wasn’t going down with his brother and talk him into making a break for it with me. He always wanted to go to the Maldives. The Maldives have no extradition laws with the U.S. This could work.
“But they aren’t Cuban cigars,” said the security guy, starting to tuck them back into Gary’s luggage.
Gary blanched, offended. “Oh yes they are!”
The guy stopped stuffing.
“What’s that now?”
“What’s what?”
The guy blinked at Gary.
“These cigars aren’t Cuban, right?” he repeated in a slow, measured tone.
“Oh, yes! Yes they are!” said Gary, bursting with pride. “I bought them right before we left. Got a good price for them! You can get some pretty good deals on things like that in Cancun.”
The security guy straightened. ”But they aren’t CUBAN cigars, right?”
Gary titled his head like a dog confused as to why his master keeps repeating “sit sit sit sit.”
“There are only three of them,” offered Gary.
“Right.”
“Just three cigars.”
“Right.” The security guy took a deep breath and leaned towards Gary. “But. They. Aren’t. CUBAN. Right?”
“Um… but they are?” said Gary, beginning to fidget.
I slapped my face into my hand. My god, I thought. I’m married to this idiot’s brother. The security guy had given Gary every chance, short of calling out dancing girls with signs that read “Just tell me they aren’t Cuban!” to form a chorus line behind him.
The security man let out a deep, disappointed sigh.
“Well sir, since they ARE Cuban, I need to destroy them.”
“What?”
“You are not allowed to bring Cuban cigars into the United States.”
Gary’s jaw hung slack as the man crumbled his prize cigars into little piles of tobacco dirt.
“I thought you could bring a few,” he mumbled, still in shock.
The man zipped up Gary’s luggage and pushed it towards him.
“NOT CUBANS.”
Gary gathered his bag and turned to walk beside me as we left the customs area. He remained quiet for some time. I could only take it for so long.
“Don’t you have anything else you want to confess to him?” I asked. “Are you sure you claimed all your gifts? Do you want to tell him about the time you lied to your Mom?”
Gary snorted a bitter laugh.
“Shut UP.”
Amy Vansant is a writer, blogger (kidfreeliving.com), professional nerd, and shameless Labradoodle mommy. She is probably at a restaurant drinking wine as you are reading this right now.
Photo credit: Cuban Cigars by Alex Brown
|
Scenic Beaches in the United States Luggage Restrictions: United Airlines Airline Food Service: United Airlines |
22 Comments
Hahaha this is excellent. Your brother in law sounds like a real treat to me around. I am sure he is great to have in your home around the holidays. Glad you got to see him suffer a bit!
Not quite as slick as you were with getting the laptops into Argentina.
haha yes, this guy was not as prepared as I was!
So freaking funny! I do appreciate the pride he took in having authentic Cubans.
Annette | Bucket List Journey recently posted..Hunting for a Rock Star in Jerome, Arizona
Funny story! (I’m a shameless labradoodle mommy too)
Margo recently posted..Editor’s Choice: The Holiday Edition and Giving the Gift of Travel
I that’s the only kind of Doodle mom there can be.
Amy recently posted..Life’s Suggestion Box: To the Bird Who Repeatedly Defiles My New Mailbox
HA! I love this story. I so wanted him to say they weren’t Cubans, but I think it’s hilarious that he didn’t figure it out.
Christy @ Ordinary Traveler recently posted..Travel Shot: San Fernando Cathedral at Night
Great story! I like the cut of this Amy’s jib. She’s got mad writing skillz!
Raymond @ Man On The Lam recently posted..The Agony in the Air Con
Thank you for the kind words! But having an idiot for a brother in law does help…
Amy recently posted..Amazon PayPhrase Gets Nasty
That is so awful. He kinda deserved it? Does saying that give me bad security karma for the next two years or anything?
Abby recently posted..This is why I travel
I always have bad security karma. Last time I got pulled out of line so someone could pat down my hair bun. wtf?
That finally explains why my mother got her hair cut into that permanent dome back in 1984.
Amy recently posted..Swim
Ha! I could just picture Gary’s personality exactly.
Oh you poor thing. Do you have one?
Amy recently posted..CSI: Labradoodle
Haha! This is too funny!! How did he not know that Cuban cigars are illegal in the US?!
Sabrina recently posted..Only in Texas: Skull with Horns on Truck
I guess he thought he could bring just a few!
Ohhhh deaaar!!! This is hilarious! It must’ve been priceless watching this scene unfold
Audrey of That Backpacker recently posted..Tübingen On A Cloudy Day
As a cigar smoker… love, love, love this post!
Michael Hodson recently posted..The #UTC11 Wrap Up — One Amazing, Long Train Journey
HAHAHA men,…….
Jade Johnston – OurOyster.com recently posted..How We Almost Lost Our Entire Website
Hilarious. Now you have something to never let him forget.
Claire recently posted..This Spring, the Ultimate Journey Begins
so it would have been that easy – just tell security guard – he even gave hints!
Todd @ Visit50.com recently posted..The Baby Rockstars of Mabul Island
Cornelius Aesop recently posted..New Brew Tuesday: Hinterland Saison Farmhouse Ale