Excerpt from:
God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!
Making Peace With Difficult People

"We all talk about the people in our lives who make us want to tear our hair out, but nobody has any clue what to do with them. Greg Popcak is a wonderful antidote to this problem, sharing a wealth of insights and solid wisdom."

Mark P. Shea, author, Making Senses out of Scripture

God Help Me! Will enrich your life by helping you discover the surprising answers to such questions as:

• How can I respectfully and lovingly bring about changes in my life and in relationships?
• How do I cope with people who will not change their self-destructive ways no matter how hard I try to help them?
• Is it ever acceptable to sever ties with a friend or family member?

Chapter One:
Aaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggg!

I Love Christianity. It's Christians I hate.
-G.K. Chesterton.

Some days it seems like they are everywhere; people who are intent on making our lives miserable. Try as we might, we can't escape them. Our mate is driving us crazy, our kids are plotting a coup, the boss is just plain insane, and the neighbors? Don't even get me started.

The answers to such "problems" would be easy--say, a poisoned apple? or at least a poisoned pen--if only we weren't Christians. Scripture tells us, "Love your enemies, do good to those who persecute you." Like it or not, every delicious revenge fantasy we otherwise well-meaning Christians conjure up is automatically spoiled by that nagging bit of Spirit-pricked conscience... "If someone slaps you, offer them the other cheek as well."

But how are we supposed to "turn the other cheek" when a coterie of our closest friends, not to mention society-at-large, is screaming names at us like, "sucker!" "victim!", "enabler!", or the dreaded, "co-dependent!" for even thinking of such a thing? And to be perfectly frank, look where the best practitioners of this doctrine ended up. Ghandi, Martin Luther King, the Son of God Himself? As enthralled as our spirits are by such shining examples of moral courage is as repulsed as our flesh is at the thought of suffering the slightest discomfort, the smallest indignity, let alone dying for our faith. Ghandi once commented, "everybody is eager to garland my photos, but nobody wants to follow my advice" and Jesus chided his disciples in the Garden at Gethsemane, "Could you not stay awake with me even one hour?"

Caveat Emptor

And yet, the reality is that we are Christians. Yes, we must encounter irritating, obnoxious, controlling, demeaning, exasperating, irritating, and otherwise grating people in our lives, but we must respond to those individuals differently than the world does. Jesus tells that "even pagans" love those who love them in return, but Christians are obliged to do more. We must respond to difficult situations and difficult people with a white-knuckled dedication to the virtues of faith, hope, and love.

Now, before I get too "het up" as they say in the mountains not too far from here, perhaps I should take a moment to mention that I will not be setting myself up as any kind of model for you to follow in these pages. When my wife mentioned to her sister that I was offered a contract to write a book on making peace with difficult people, my dear sister-in-law, who knows that I have a nasty habit of going on some length about people who irritate me, noted dryly, "Oh! I didn't know he could write a book like that."

Touch. So, exactly what does qualify me to write "a book like this" after all? Several factors; the first of which being that I have had more than my share of practice in putting the techniques presented in these pages to work. Likewise, wherever possible, and however painful, I will happily share some of those experiences with you. But even more important than my own experiences are the stories of many other faithful men and women with whose acquaintances I have been blessed. Thanks to my work as a counselor and the director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization that offers telephone counseling and seminars for Catholics struggling to apply their faith to tough marriage, family, and personal problems, I am daily a witness to the efforts of countless others who fight against their baser instincts to do what God and their consciences command, while (and here is the real trick) not becoming a doormat in the process. The fact is, God may call some of us to become martyrs, but he has little use for doormats, and it is important to know the difference.

Looking Down the Road

As we prepare to make our journey, I'd like to take a moment to give you a sneak peak at some of the landmarks we'll pass along the way. The first step to making peace with difficult people is understanding what our responsibility to be loving to others really entails. Jesus said, "Anyone who says he loves God but hates his neighbor is a liar." Clearly, living an ethic of love in our lives and relationships is one of the most important missions for the Christian. But what does it mean to love? Are we required to hold warm fuzzy thoughts for everyone we meet? Does love require us to ignore the truly hurtful actions of others or always give into another's demands--regardless of how unreasonable they may be? And what is the difference between Christian love and pathological martyrdom (i.e. co-dependence) anyway? We'll look at these questions, and discover the meaning of true Christian love along the way.

Then we'll expose the secrets of "loving the sinner while hating the sin." You will learn to see yourself and others with a God's eye view. You will develop a mindset that enables you to acknowledge very real flaws while not giving into judgmentalism, despair, dismissiveness, or self-righteousness. To this end, you'll discover the secret to uncovering the positive intention or need expressed by a person's sinful, self-destructive, or obnoxious habit/behavior. For example, the person with a compulsive habit (e.g., gambling, drinking, sex) may be looking for a way to find relief from the pain and stress of his life, the suicidal person may believe she has found the ideal "solution" to her problems, the child who throws tantrums may not know a more effective way to get his needs met, the incessant gossip may be looking for a way to feel accepted, the teen who is endlessly being grounded might actually be looking for a way to spend time with his parents (or avoid more serious peer temptations) but still look cool to his friends, and so on.

Once you can understand the intention or need that underlies a problem behavior (your own or someone else's), you can then develop a plan for changing that behavior using the five step PEACE process, or when this is not possible, you will learn how to set firm but respectful limits that empower you to maintain your emotional safety and dignity, as well as your credibility in the eyes of others.

Next, you will be given many examples of how to fine tune these techniques as you apply them to yourself, in your marriage, with your children, at work, and in the community-at-large. And finally, you will learn how the attitudes presented throughout the book can help you find out what God is trying to tell you when you are suffering hardship, or otherwise feeling picked on by the Almighty.

All in all, I am proposing a fairly thorough look at how to foster wisdom and peace in your relationships with yourself, others, and the God who made you. This having been said, I have three questions for you.

• Have you ever wondered what it would take to resolve those conflicts that sap your strength, undermine your own dignity, and alienate the very people you ought to be able to draw strength from?
• Do you wish that you could overcome the despair that inhibits your self-esteem, serves as an obstacle to your social or career success, or poisons your relationship with your spouse, children, or God?
• Would you like to discover the secrets to fostering greater peace and love in your life?

If you answered "yes" to any of these, then I invite you to turn the page.

Let the change begin!

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