• by Evan Hoovler
• (1) Comment 

November 15, 2012 at 7:21 pm

It’s hard to choose between Texas Chainsaw Massacre the 8th Remake 3D and that movie that uses super-authentic footage to show you how a couple of sexy teens figure out that CGI ghosts are, like, totes real. Because they’re both going to suck, and you know it. The only scary part of most modern horror films is how atrociously shitty they are:

Plot Holes

The film industry seems to assume that most people are retarded and won’t notice and/or care about plot holes the size of Justin Bieber’s gaping vagina. Since millions and millions of dollars are made from most of the crappy crap that makes it to major theaters nationwide, they may not be too far off. Paranormal Activity 4. Worst movie ever. Everyone knew it would be the worst. But they could have at least made a small effort to construct a cohesive story. If everyone in the family knows the house is haunted by evil ghosts, what are you all still doing there?!

Sinister. A little more solid. Spoilers: The guy’s wife is surprisingly nonchalant about finding out that a family has been, oh, you know, murdered in the backyard of her new home. Sure, she argues with her husband about it but completely forgets it the next day despite the fact that the kids are doing weird, alarmingly evil stuff. But that’s neither here nor there, because they move out of the creepy murder house so that they can be a family again… and then the husband locks himself in a big creepy study room the first night they arrive at their new place. Whatever happened to family time? Everyone is okay with this except for me.

Remakes

Didn’t they just remake Texas Chainsaw Massacre, like, a few years ago? For the third time? Why, then, is a new one coming out in the next few months? Oh, that’s right, because the legacy wouldn’t be complete(ly ruined) without a 3D version of a film that was nearly flawless to begin with… about four decades ago. The funniest difference between the original TCM and the upcoming 3D one is that the original cost under $300,000 to make and caused turmoil and outrage among audience members and critics alike for its unprecedented violence, whereas the new one will cost millions to produce and cause outrage only for its unprecedented shittiness.

I don’t believe that people are running out of ideas. I believe that they are lazy and understand that the masses want to guzzle down the same ole purple drank they’re used to; people flock towards what is familiar. The saying “stick to what you know” has been rewritten a million times — write about what you know, do what you know, whatever — because that’s what people want and are comfortable doing. Unfortunately, that method makes for pretty awful cinema. Horror remakes tend to throw a random, unnecessary plot element into the film to make it “different.” Anything from a two-dimensional romance, a main character with daddy issues, to irrelevant alcoholism can turn the remake into an annoying, nonsensical charade of the film it began as.

Unoriginal Non-Remakes

Hey, did you see that one about the ‘real footage’ of people who find murderous ghosts? Or the one about weird aliens coming to earth and causing an impromptu apocalypse? Or that other one with the ‘real footage’ of the impromptu apocalypse? Or the one about the creepy little kid who gets possessed while his parents are in total denial of how blatantly evil he’s becoming? Or the one about the zombies?

I’ve heard a lot of people say that the movie industry is ‘running out of ideas,’ which I don’t believe, not even a little bit. There are bits of originality here and there — Rob Zombie’s films are always different. Antichrist was a breath of fresh air despite its student film-esque beginning (it feels so wrong to call it that in any context). Also, who doesn’t love a good three-way with a tree (Tree-way? Ménage à Trees?) There are some who are willing to push the boundaries, but it seems like most are concerned with only a few things: money, money, and money. Stick to what people like and know, give them more of it, change up the characters a little, use a different girl with bigger boobs as the love interest, and maybe CGI a few differently drawn monsters and we’re good to go.

Rating System or Rapings System?

Poltergeist was rated PG when it came out. Despite its maggot-infested, crawling steaks, that crazy demon-dog made out of old cobwebs, slime-covered pools filled with dead bodies, and a guy ripping his own face off in the mirror, it was rated as a children’s movie. That was in 1982. Today, our overzealous society has begun meticulously categorizing movies as PG, PG-13, R, NC-17, and X. While this is useful for labeling films that are clearly inappropriate for kids (looking at you, Irreversible), it’s also caused many filmmakers to clamor for that PG-13 rating. R cuts off a whole demographic of people from seeing the movie and consequently giving more dollars to those who produced it. Sinister, Paranormal Activity 4, Insidious, The Last Exorcism, The Grudge — the list goes on and on. Movies that are supposed to scare the crap out of you are significantly dumbed down to welcome in the mall kids of America. Those guys are worth a whole lot of money. Gore and nudity doesn’t necessarily make a film better, but I am immediately retracting that statement to say that yes, yes it does. And fitting a film into the PG-13 standards diminishes the freedom of the movie to do its job.

CGI

CGI never looks better than real makeup. Never. Event Horizon? The Exorcist? Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the original)? No CGI there. The easiest way to ruin an otherwise decent film is to take the one crucial moment where the audience is supposed to be frightened by a gruesome villain or gore-filled violence, and use CGI to put it together. It always looks fake. CGI isn’t fooling anyone. A computerized demon is never as scary as a well put together monster who looks like he could legitimately walk into your bedroom and eat your intestines — which is basically one of the main points of horror movies as a whole: to scare you badly, and more importantly, realistically, so that your overactive imagination is actually convinced that something from the fictitious movie you just watched could maybe possibly totally rise up out of the lake while you’re swimming and you’re going to get out onto the safe beach now because you’re “cold.”

Hi! I'm editor-and-chief of EgoTV. It is my main goal in life to ease the pain of your workday with humor. If you found this article entertaining, please share it. I'm always checking our Facebook page for reader input, so if you have some go here: goo.gl/bHi3V

Recent Articles by Evan Hoovler

Workers Paint Handicapped Space around Car
Passengers Film Plane Crash
Tank Destroys Road During Parade
Don’t Flip off a Judge
Baby Flips out for Gangham Style

View All »